Vive la France !

"Bouillabaisse is only good because cooked by the French, who, if they cared to try, could produce an excellent and nutritious substitute out of cigar stumps and empty matchboxes."    — Norman Douglas (1868—1952), British novelist.
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Guidelines for American Tourists

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travelers only.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.


In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.


France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.


The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.


The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel.


Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.


France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).


France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.

A Word of Warning

The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.15 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless. Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Myrtle Beach, and you are advised to as well. Thank you and good luck.

When Charles De Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame De Gaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years ! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years ?"
"A penis", replied Madame De Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said: "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness !'"

C'est beau la langue française...

Un homme à femmes
c'est un séducteur
Un entraineur
c'est un homme qui entraine une équipe sportive
Un professionnel
c'est un sportif de haut niveau
Un coureur
c'est un homme qui est bon joggeur
Un rouleur
c'est un grand cycliste
Un turfer
c'est un homme qui prend les paris
Un gagnant
c'est un homme qui réussit
Un masseur
c'est un kiné
Un abatteur
c'est un homme qui fait un dur métier
Un homme qui fait le trottoir
c'est un paveur
Un courtisan
c'est un homme qui est proche du Roi
Un gars
c'est un jeune homme
Un péripatéticien
c'est un philosophe partisan de la doctrine d'Aristote
Un homme public
c'est un homme connu
Un homme de petite vertu
cela ne se dit pas, sauf pour les avocats
Un homme facile
c'est un homme agréable à vivre
Un homme sans moralité
c'est un politicien
Une femme à hommes
c'est une pute
Une entraineuse
c'est une pute
Une professionnelle
c'est une pute
Une coureuse
c'est une pute
Une roulure
c'est une pute
Une turfeuse
c'est une pute
Une gagnante
c'est une pute qui rapporte
Une masseuse
c'est une pute
Une abatteuse
c'est une pute qui turbine
Une femme qui fait le trottoir
c'est une pute
Une courtisane
c'est une pute
Une garce
c'est une pute
Une péripatéticienne
c'est une pute
Une femme publique
c'est une pute
Une femme de petite vertu
c'est une pute
Une femme facile
c'est une pute
Une femme sans moralité
c'est une pute...

Leçon d'anglais

Fini les cours d'anglais rébarbatifs et les souffrances liées aux efforts de prononciation contre nature. La découverte qui éclate ici au grand jour est tout bonnement révolutionnaire: l'anglais, bien loin d'être la langue universelle qu'on nous présentait jusqu'alors, l'anglais, la langue de Shakespeare, n'est rien d'autre que du français mal prononcé !

Ail ou radis?Are you ready?Êtes-vous prêt?
Saintes salopesThanks a lotMerci beaucoup
DébileThe billL'addition
Mords mon nezMore moneyPlus d'argent
On le donne à ces connesHold on a secondNe quittez pas un instant
Toute ta queue traîneTo take a trainPrendre le train
Qu'on gratte tous les jeunes!Congratulations!Félicitations!
Marie qui s'masseMerry ChristmasJoyeux Noël
Oui ArletteWe are lateNous sommes en retard
Mais dîne FranzMade in FranceFabriqué en France
Il se pique GermaineHe speaks GermanIl parle allemand
Ahmed a l'goût de tripesI made a good tripJ'ai fait un bon voyage
Youssef vole ma femme au litYou saved all my familyTu as sauvé toute ma famille
Sale teint de pépèreSalt and pepperLe sel et le poivre
Six tonnes de chairSit on the chairAsseyez-vous sur la chaise
Dix nourrices raidiesDinner is readyLe dîner est prêt
Beaune-ToulouseBorn to loseNé pour perdre
Les slips tout gais serrentLet's sleep togetherDormons ensemble
Guy vomit sous mon nezGive me some moneyDonne-moi un peu d'argent
Âme coquineI'm cookingJe cuisine
Délicate et saineDelicatessenÉpicerie fine
Deux bouts de chairThe butcherLe boucher
Varices de grosseurWhere is the grocer?Où est l'épicier?
C'est que ça pèleSex appealAttirance sexuelle
Ma queue perd son alcoolMake a personal callPasser un coup de fil personnel

Recipes / Recettes


Foreign tourists usually find a lot of bad things to say about France or, more often, about the French. But there's one thing they never complain about: the food !

Now you can cook yourself the same things at home thanks to this huge collection of recipes written by Alexandre PUKALL and available on the Net. Since they were only in text or MS Access format I converted them to html and compiled them into one big Windows Help file (.chm), which you can also read under linux with xchm.

It's freeware and I have the author's permission, so download it here. Warning: it's Windows only, French only and 6.6 Mb (10000 recipes).


Les touristes étrangers n'ont aucun mal à trouver tout un tas de trucs qui vont pas en France, ou plus précisément, qui vont pas avec les Français. Mais ils y a une chose dont ils ne se plaignent jamais: la bouffe !

Voici maintenant toutes les recettes accessibles grâce à Alexandre PUKALL qui les à mises sur Internet. Comme elles étaient seulement en mode texte ou MS Access, je les ai converties en html puis compilées en un gros fichier d'aide Windows (.chm).

C'est freeware et j'ai l'authorisation de l'auteur, alors téléchargez gaiment. Attention: seulement pour Windows, seulement en français et 6.6 Mégas (10000 recettes).