Sexual quotes

"You found it offensive ? I found it funny. That's why I'm happier than you."

The following are humorous (and sometimes serious too) quotes gathered from the Web, Usenet's personal .sig and other sources (in particular the excellent and original Top5 mailing list). Since it's all a big rip-off, I am assuming no copyright whatsoever. I don't even guarantee that they are accurate. Now that you've been warned, enjoy.

Love

"Love is an evil trick that nature plays on people to get them to breed."

"One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved."    — Romain Roland (1866-1944), french writer and Nobel prize winner.

"Q: Do you love me ?
A: What do you think ? That I'm doing pushups ?"

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question ?"    — Lily Tomlin.

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."    — Woody Allen.

"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."    — Franklin P. Jones.

"Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage."    — Dr. Karl Bowman.

"Love is like a fart: if you have to force it, it's probably shit."

"Of course I love you... I left you, didn't I ?"

"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."    — Lord Dewar.

"Love is being stupid together."    — Paul Valery (1871—1945).

"Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock."    — John Barrymore.

"Love is just extroverted narcissism."

"There is love without sex.
There is sex without love.
And then there is you, without either."

"Some people play hard to get... I play hard to want."

"I only ever thought there were two kinds of love: the kind that you would kill for and the kind that you would die for. But you, my darling, you were the kind of love I would live for."    — O.G.K.

"The Bible and the Quran both tell us to love one another. The Kama Sutra is a little more specific."

"Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled."    — Harlan Ellison.

"Considering all the evil that exists in the world, the fact that all of religion's condemnation is focused on expressing disapproval of two people loving each other proves just how evil religion is."    — Jan deBoer.

"Never trust a man who lets his god tell him how to fuck."

"The reason why you haven't found your soul mate is because maybe you don't have a soul."

"It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all."

"It's not you, it's me, because *I* have finally realized you are a piece of shit."

"Le plus beau vêtement qui puisse habiller une femme, ce sont les bras de l'homme qu'elle aime. Mais, pour celles qui n'ont pas eu la chance de trouver ce bonheur, je suis là."    — Yves Saint Laurent.

"The best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one !"

"In life, finding the right pearl requires one to open many bad clams."

"When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags."

"A relationship without trust is like having a phone with no service. And what do you do with a phone with no service ? You play games."

"The wagon of love breaks down under the baggage of life."

"Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another."    — H. L. Mencken (1880—1956).

"Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies."    — John Donne.

"MAKE LOVE NOT WAR (see driver for details)"    — Bumper sticker.

"Finding true love is really nothing more than matching your personal with either the same or a complimentary crazy in someone else. Wearing your crazy on the first date is risky, but reduces wasted time on those who are incompatible with your personal brand of insanity."    — Overzeetop.

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."    — Anonymous.

"I just want to make enough money for a girl to love me for who I am."    — Bill Beteet.

"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."

"Love: Two minds without a single thought."    — Philip Barry.

"How can I love you if you won't lie down ?"

"Why isn't there some cheap and easy way to prove how much she means to me ?"

"Who would give a law to lovers ? Love is unto itself a higher law."    — Boethius (524CE).

"Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin — it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring."    — S. J. Perelman.

"Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds."    — Johnny Rotten.

"There's no such thing as love. Only proofs of love."

"As my grandfather used to say: 'If we all liked the same thing, the world would be after your grandma'."

"A woman in lust wants chocolate. A woman in love wants diamonds."    — From the movie How to lose a guy in 10 days.

"Where does the family start ? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl — no superior alternative has yet been found."    — Winston Churchill.

"I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since."    — Arturo Toscanini.

"Nobody falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs somewhere to live."    — Ryans Content.

"Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled."

"My spirit animal is the bull because I, too, charge headfirst into red flags."

"I think my problem is I like to see how red the flag can get."    — Luis Vercetti.

"They are not 'red flags', they are 'fun facts about me'."

"A girl dreams about a bad boy who is gentle only for her. A boy wants a good girl who is naughty only for him."

"You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back inside."    — Heathcote Williams.

"My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends."

"If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without no middleman."    — Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody".

"Some say: 'Love means never having to say you're sorry'. To me, love means never having to hear: 'Where's my friggin' rent, you lazy bastard ?!' in the first place."    — John Crocker.

"Never let a kiss fool you, and never let a fool kiss you."

"He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now."

"The love triangle soon turned into a wrecktangle."

"One good thing about internet dating: you're guaranteed to click with whomever you meet."    — Mongo.

"Sometimes you meet someone and you know from the very first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them."

"In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the other really likes."    — Elizabeth Ashley.

"I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate — but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza."    — Alf Whit.

"My father started to give me the 'Why don't you find a soulmate ?' speech again the other night. I told him he's been watching too many eHarmony.com commercials. There's no such thing as a soulmate, just an I-tolerate-your crap-because-I-can't-do-any-better-mate."    — Jenn McNanna.

"Before I fuck my girlfriend on the hood of my car, I always run the engine for a few minutes to warm it up — because that's the kind of thing you do when you care."    — Brad Osberg.

"Trying to describe an orgasm is like trying to describe being in love — you can't do it yet you know exactly what it feels like."    — Anonymous.

"Writing is like making love. Don't worry about the orgasm, just concentrate on the process."    — Isabel Allende.

"When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants."

"— If I made love to you, would you yell ?"
"— What do you want me to yell ?"    — Benny Hill.

"If the universe has any purpose more important then topping a woman you love and making a baby with her hearty help, I have never heard of it."    — Lazarus Long.

"Lovers, like bees, lead a honey-sweet life."    — Graffiti on a wall of Pompeii.

"Holidays in Amsterdam: have sex and get stoned. Holiday in Saudi Arabia: have sex and get stoned."

"— When I get home I wanna make love to you badly
— At least you don't overestimate yourself..."

"Never sign a valentine with your own name."    — Charles Dickens (1812—70), British novelist.

"Valentine's day is in five days, so if you are secretely in love with me I suggest you reveal it now."    — Miecroft.

"If you are sad about being alone on Valentine's day, just remember nobody loves you any other day of the year either."

"See, i'm fully willing to honour 'Valentines day' as long as the female in question honours 'naked nintendo day'."    — Rjx.

"Love is also like a coconut which is good while it is fresh, but you have to spit it out when the juice is gone, what's left tastes bitter."    — Bertolt Brecht (1898—1956) German dramatist.

"Crushes are wonderful, they get you heart pumping, remind you that you are alive & that true love is possible, until they open their mouth and ruin everything then it's on to the next soulmate."    — @stephenszczerba

"Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness."    — Bertrand Russell (1872—1970), British philosopher, Autobiography.

"Your picture's in my wallet and I'm sitting on it — if that isn't love I don't know what is."    — Frank Burns.

"Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires."    — La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680), french author.

"Love conquers all except poverty and toothache."    — Mae West (1892-1980).

"Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the bush, shoot more often and always eat what they shoot."

"In conclusion, sex is a disgusting sin you save for the person you love."

"Christianity has done a great deal for love by making a sin of it."    — Anatole France (1844—1924) French writer. Le jardin d'Epicure.

"Nuns are fun, once you get into the habit."

"I worry my soulmate is on a different dating site."

"I do understand what love is, and that is one of the reasons I can never again be a Christian. Love is not self denial. Love is not blood and suffering. Love is not murdering your son to appease your own vanity. Love is not hatred or wrath, consigning billions of people to eternal torture because they have offended your ego or disobeyed your rules. Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that is contingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being."    — Dan Barker, "Losing Faith in Faith".

"I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair."    — Gore Vidal.

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, great. If not, it's probably having dinner with someone more attractive than you."    — Bill Grieser.

"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."    — Johnny Depp.

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than to live with that bitch/bastard for the rest of your life."    — D.C. Moore.

"How do I love thee ? Let me count the ways... uh... never mind. How much do I owe you ?"    — Mystic7.

"True love is when your heart sweats in places that regular detergent just won't wash out."    — David W. James.

"The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage."

"Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals."    — Pierre de Beaumarchais, Le Mariage de Figaro.

"Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it."

"You know there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you."    — Jay.

"Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it."    — Maurice Chevalier.

"Don't have sex with rich people. They're selfish lovers. Rich people ain't given head since the French Revolution."

"Who normalized having sex at night ?! You're putting me in a bed at my bedtime and saying 'ok now do physical activity' ummm... No."

"I LOVE THIS ONE MORE."    — Seen on the T-shirt of a woman walking with twins, with an arrow pointing to the left side.

"'The whole world loves a lover' is an interesting theory, but a very bad legal defense."    — Keith Sullivan.

"I once begged someone to love me the way I loved them and that's the saddest thing I have ever done."

"Idk what kind of sex y'all had that makes y'all wanna tattoo people names on you, but I ain't had it yet."

"Surprisingly, girls with cats make the best girlfriends. Because they've learned to love something selfish and dumb — like your childish ass."    — The Captain.

"— Happy Valentine's day!
— Thanks, but I'm single
— Happy Independance day !"

"Sure there are plenty of other fish in the sea. But you're not anywhere near the sea. You're in the desert. Alone."

"Trust the overthinker who tells you they love you. They have, most assuredly, thought of every reason not to."    — LK Pilgrim.

"I want a girlfriend so hot she makes me look like a make-a-wish kid who asked for pussy."    — @eboyluder.

"Hey girl, are you http ? Because I'm :// without you."

Sex

"Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble."    — John Barrymore.

"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

"You know, if you smoke after having sex, you're doing it WAY too fast..."

"Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?"

"Thou shalt not  omit adultery."

"Adolescence /n./ The stage between puberty and adultery."

"Adultery is a sin. You can't have your Kate and Edith too."

"Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics."

"Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again ?"

"Sex is like cooking: everyone can do it, but only some make it delicious."

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."    — Woody Allen.

"Sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five it's fantastic !"    — Woody Allen.

"Kinky is using a feather — Perverted is using the whole chicken."

"Nobody should be kinkshamed. Unless you have a humiliation kink, in which case that's disgusting and you should be ashamed you worthless pig."

"One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other."    — Jane Austen (1775—1817)

"Coito ergo sum."

"Healthy, lusty sex is wonderful."    — John Wayne.

"Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome ! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry or as a human shield."    — Stephanie McMaster.

"Your grandma only ever uses her walker after I sleep over..."

"When I said I like it rough, I meant the sex, not the whole fucking relationship."

"My wife told me 'Sex is better on holiday'. Not the best postcard I've ever received."

"9 months before i was born, I went to a party with my dad and left with my mother."

"I have sexdaily dyslexia."

"I never yell, I never tell, but I'm grateful as hell."    — Benny Hill (1924-1992), when asked to comment on rumours that he had sexual affairs with women who appeared on his shows.

"Sex is emotion in motion."    — Mae West.

"I consider sex a misdemeanor, the more I miss, de meaner I get."    — Mae West.

"Why do we say 'have sex' ? It doesn't make sense. We don't say 'have dance' or 'have run', we should say 'I'm going fucking' or something."

"I wonder if young people on honeymoons today have as much sex as we did when I was young. For the first week on our cruise, most people thought my wife and I were Siamese twins."    — Jerry L. Embry.

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less."    — Brendan Francis.

"I'm always frank with my sexual partners... I don't want them to know my real name."    — Frank.

"I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look."    — Seen on the T-shirt.

"My doctor wrote me a perscription for daily sex, but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia."

"When I said I like it rough, I did not mean my entire life."

"A good date ends with dinner. A great date ends with breakfast."

"I'm not a baker but I'll stay up late with you to make a cream pie."

"If you are feeling down, I can feel you up."

"— Can you get this stain out of my dress ?
— Come again
— No. This time it's ranch dressing."

"You probably think Stephen Hawking is in that wheelchair because of a motor neuron disease. But if you got as much barely-legal student poontang as The Hawkster, you'd be in a wheelchair too."    — Scott Adams.

"Fornication /n./ Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with."

"It's only premarital sex if you end up getting married."

"Let's have a 'who's better in bed' contest. I hope to be a sore loser."

"There's a big difference between 'having lots of sex' and 'getting fucked a lot'."

"Fucked this girl last night for an hour and 45 seconds. Thanks daylight savings."

"There's no remedy for sex, except maybe more sex."

"France lost a great novel last night."    — Victor Hugo, the morning after sleeping with his mistress.

"Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up all night looking for them that does you in."    — Casey Stengel (1890-1975).

"I'm not into casual hookups, only in ranked competitive hookups."    — Keely.

"Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up ?"

"Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you."

"I asked once: 'how do you get into those pants ?' She said they stretch. Then I asked: 'how do I get into those pants ?'"

"Santa is always happy because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"Girls have magical powers: they get wet without water, bleed without injury and make boneless things hard."

"I actually lent a girl an umbrella yesterday, which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1."

"Being a non english speaking european, I googled 'getting laid' to find what it means. Google asked me 'Did you mean: getting paid more?'. So even google thinks money is more important..."    — Space in your face.

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."    — Butch Hancock.

"My wife only likes to have sex in places where there is a risk of getting caught. Well, I have caught her — numerous times, in fact."    — Brad Osberg.

"I remember my first sexual encounter because I kept the recipe."    — Jeff Dahmer.

"You can't ruin a relationship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles."    — Rajesh Koothrappali, The Big Bang Theory.

"I'm in a same sex marriage, ever since we got married, it's the same sex each time."

"To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature."

"I'm sorry I made that 'pew pew pew' noise when I came on your tits. I suffer from immature ejaculation."

"Success is like pregnancy: everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it."

"A human comes out of a human because a human came in a human."

"Irony is getting pregnant on a pull-out couch."

"Pregnancy seems like something H.R. Giger would design to make people never want to have sex."    — Daltesh.

"Massages are the appetizers of the sex world, but if I'm being honest, most of the time I skip straight to the main course."

"My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex, but my girlfriend insits it says dyslexia."

"Finals are like sex, I get done too quick, and I sit there quiet for an hour thinking about what i did wrong."    — Elim.

"I think there are two areas where new ideas are terribly dangerous: economics and sex. By and large, it's all been tried, and if it's really new, it's probably illegal or dangerous or unhealthy."    — Felix G. Rohatyn.

"The omnipresent process of sex, as it is woven into the whole texture of a man's or woman's body, is the pattern of all the process of all our life."    — Havelock Ellis.

"If God had meant us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs."    — Malcolm Bradbury.

"My answer to anything under the sun, like 'what have you not done in the business that you've always wanted to do', is 'Robert Redford'."    — Betty White (1922-2021), american actress.

"I own my own body, but I share."

"If you've had sex with less than 12 people, then you are more exclusive than the moon."

"I feel like my life is a movie. But it's being shown on TV. So all the sex scenes are cut."    — @Quasi.

"The ladder of success in Hollywood is usually agent, actor, director, producer, leading man. And you are a star if you sleep with them in that order. Crude but true."    — Hedy Lamarr (1913-2000), Austrian-American actress.

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."    — Rodney Dangerfield.

"The tragedy is when you've got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs."    — D.H. Lawrence.

"After the fifth time my girlfriend said: 'Give it to me', I looked her straight in the eye and told her: 'You're asking for it'."    — Walter Means.

"I was with a girl once and she pointed and laughed. She said: 'Who do you think you're going to satisfy with THAT&nbp;?'. I said 'Me'."    — Blum.

"I have screwed many girls here."    — Graffiti on a wall of Pompeii.

"It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married."

"How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers ? Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room."

"No two sexes are alike."    — B.C.

"Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either."    — Joseph Fischer.

"The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous and the expense damnable."    — Earl of Chesterfield.

"I think the people above me are having sex. Either that or they're sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot."

"Sex is natural, but not if it's done right."

"If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to ?"    — Bette Midler.

"The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image of fulfillment."    — Malcolm Muggeridge.

"I may not be the greatest actress but I've become the greatest at screen orgasms. Ten seconds of heavy breathing, roll your head from side to side, simulate a slight asthma attack and die a little."    — Candice Bergen.

"My wife stopped pretending to have orgasms years ago. That's all right with me, though, because it allowed me to stop pretending that I cared."    — Mike Ranston.

"— You told me you'd give me an orgasm...
— I did ! It's not my fault you spit it out."

"I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock."

"Tell him I've been too fucking busy — or vice versa."    — Dorothy Parker.

"I once knew a woman who offered her honor
So I honored her offer
And all night long I was on her and off her."

"Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute ?"

"I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty."    — John Waters.

"All this fuss about sleeping together. For physical pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day."    — Evelyn Waugh.

"Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary."    — Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume.

"Sex multiplies the possibilities of desire."

"Her kisses left something to be desired — the rest of her."

"My girlfriend and I had sex during a cross-country train trip. If I'm not mistaken, that makes us members of the Mile Long Club."    — Kim Moser.

"There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl."

"It's the good girls that keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time."    — Tallulah Bankhead.

"It's all this cold-hearted fucking that is death and idiocy."    — D.H. Lawrence.

"There's a difference between fucking and making love. Making love is what I wanna do after you've been nice to me. Nice by fucking me for instance."

"It is not true that sex degrades women... if it is any good."    — Alan Partridge.

"I love a man who can cook cuz look at you stuffing me twice..."    — Annabelle Wilin.

"Sex-appeal is the keynote of our whole civilization."    — Henri Bergson.

"My husband's German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me."    — Bette Midler.

"The art of life lies in taking pleasures as they pass, and the keenest pleasures are not intellectual, nor are they always moral."    — Aristippus.

"Proof is arbitrary... unless we're talking about sexual gratification."

"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."    — Groucho Marx.

"Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways."    — William Shakespeare, Henry IV.

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant."    — Henry Miller.

"My level of screaming during sex doesn't allow me to date a guy who stays with his parents."

"I wouldn't fuck her with your prick."

"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any."

"Sex is like pizza, even if it's done bad, it's still good."

"I've heard it said that sex is like pizza — even when it's bad, it's still good. I guess what I want to know is where I can call to get it delivered within 30 minutes."    — Sean P. McAskill.

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer."

"— Man, I want to fuck her badly
— You mean you badly want to fuck her ?
— No, I'm aware of my limitations."

"There are many ways to say 'I Love You' but Fucking is the fastest."

"If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised."    — Dorothy Parker (1893—1967), US writer.

"It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses."    — Mrs. Patrick Campbell.

"Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me. Then get the fuck out."

"You might as well say 'yes', the sheets are messy already."

"Mary had a little lamb. That's what she gets for sleeping in the barn..."

"Q: What's the difference between a hamster and a turtle ?
A: With a turtle you don't need duct tape..."

"It's not the size of the ship nor the motion of the ocean... It is whether the captain stays in port long enough for all passengers to get off."

"Bend over, I'll drive."    — Bumper sticker.

"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."    — Bumper sticker.

"My wife used to like experimenting with all kinds of different sexual positions — until eventually she found one where she can see the TV."    — Bob Van Voris.

"Localization: sex for the Europeans, violence for the Americans. The Japanese get everything."    — tsotha.

"The weirdest sexual position I've ever been in definitely has to be: 'Go stand on your head in the closet while I fuck your friend'."    — Mike Ranston.

"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."    — Matt Groening, from "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in Life In Hell.

"I have made love to ten thousand women."    — Georges Simenon (1903-89), Belgian novelist.

"Every time you sleep with a boy you sleep with all his old girlfriends."    — Government advert warning about AIDS, 1987.

"They say if you have positive thoughts about something, it will happen. Well, I've been thinking positively about my neighbor's 19-year-old daughter, but so far, no luck. I think maybe my wife's negative thoughts are interfering."    — Maurizio Mariotti.

"What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how she would look without them."    — Brendan Francis.

"From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it."    — Bette Davis.

"Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got."    — Sophia Loren.

"Panties under garters are for show; panties over garters are for go."

"The only unnatural sex act is one which you cannot perform."    — Alfred Kinsey.

"Big doesn't necessarily mean better... Sunflowers aren't better than violets."

"The bigger your shoes, the bigger your dick. The bigger your car, the smaller your dick. No wonder people are so afraid of clowns."

"I got ADHD — A Damn Hard Dick."    — Seen on a T-shirt.

"Q: Which is more important, length or girth ?
A: Turns out it's consent."

"Size matters not."    — Yoda
"Size matters."    — Godzilla

"If size doesn't matter, why are there no 3 inch dildos ?"

"Whether a long one or a thick one it matters not, as long as it satisfies in abundance !"    — Islamic proverb.

"Penis size is not really important. Like they say, it's not the size of the boat, it's the length of the mast divided by the surface area of the mainsail and subtracted from the circumference of the bilge pump. Or something like that."    — Donna Untrael.

"I tried setting my hotmail password to 'penis'. It said my password wasn't long enough..."

"The best thing about having a penis is sharing it with people who don't."

"Celebrating those happy moments when the penis is an internal organ."    — Oglaf.

"I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom."    — Rodney Dangerfield.

"Murder is a crime. Describing Murder is not. Sex is not a crime. Describing sex is."    — Gershon Legman.

"Act your age, not your size."

"It's not how you fish, it's how you wiggle your worm."

"A thousand million flies can't be wrong — eat shit."

"Friends with benefits is a SCAM it turns out the benefit is sex and not dental i have been MISLED."

"Judging from all the gagging and vomiting, I'm guessing the other passengers had never seen somebody eat a bunch of melted Reese's cups before. At least not out of a diaper."    — Bob Van Voris.

"My friend Russell takes a dump in a Port-a-Potty and a wrecking ball knocks it over. He's not even hurt, but a lawyer gets him $100,000. He always was a lucky shit."    — Jerry L. Embry.

"Imagine my horror when I discovered that the whole movie was basically an endless series of people dying or already dead, their faces locked in expressions of horror and terror. So I double-checked the box and, sure enough, it wasn't 'FECES of Death', it was 'FACES of Death'. But who in the world would want to watch 'Faces of Death' ? That's just sick !"    — Clynch Varnadore.

"I bet the people of Gomorrah felt like they got the short end of the stick. After all, they didn't get a perversion named after them."    — Mike Miles.

"Be creative: invent a perversion."

"I'm not perverted: I'm lewd."

"I've done stuff I ain't proud of. And the stuff I am proud of is disgusting."    — Moe (of The Simpsons).

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."    — Steve Martin.

"An erection is like the Theory of Relativity — the more you think about it, the harder it gets."

"I combined my penis with calculus, thinking that would make it incredibly hard. The bad thing is that my girlfriend no longer finds it necessary since her degree is in English."    — Tim H. Richweis.

"School is like a boner: long and hard. Unless you are asian."

"Oh, man, Bob's making photocopies of his ass agai— BOB, WAIT!! THAT'S THE SHREDDER!!!"

"When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks."    — Woman in bed.

"How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fetish ? Ask them what a dungeon master is..."

"Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'."    — George Carlin.

"Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone."

"My brain, my second best organ..."

"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the 'Four F's': fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating."    — Unknown neuropsychology professor.

"To go together is blessed, to come together is divine !"

"Every generation thinks that they invented sex."    — Andy Grove.

"College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come."

"The man who said 'A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush' has been putting his bird in the wrong bushes."

"It would be less demanding, enslaving, perplexing and strenuous for a healthy male to screw a thousand women in his lifetime than to try to please one, and the potential for failure would be less."    — Irma Kurtz.

"I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now."

"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment.
Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals — lions and lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime — fucked along innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."    — Alan Sherman, 'The Rape of the A*P*E*'

"A nurse says: 'This won't hurt a bit'. A schoolteacher says: 'We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right'. An airline stewardess says: 'Just hold this over your mouth and nose and breath normally'."

"What's the obsession with calling food or recipes 'better than sex' ? I tried your Pinterest risotto, Sharon, and frankly I'm wondering if your needs are being met."    — Kris Brizz.

"Science is like sex. It has practical applications. But that's not why we do it."    — Richard P. Feynman (1918-88), Nobel prize winner.

"Babies feel a lot better going in than they do coming out."

"NO BABIES ON BOARD — Feel free to ram into me."    — Seen on a car sticker.

"I think I could fall madly in bed with you..."

"I have an incredible sex drive... my girlfriend lives 200 miles away !"

"The word today is Legs... Spread the word."

"You are supposed to be fighting your demons, but I keep humping mine."

"A mistress comes between a mister and his mattress."

"I can't express how upset it makes me that shyness in women is sexualized, anger in women is sexualized, ignorance/lack of intelligence is sexualized, intelligence is sexualized. Being a woman is being sexualized for everything you feel or do.
But if you're a sexual woman, you're demonized."

"— What's the best drug to have sex on ?
— Birth control."

"I took my girlfriend to 5 GUYS for dinner. Later, during sex, I said: 'lol, now you have 6 guys inside you'. She understandably slapped me in the face."

"L'amour fait proprement est toujours sale."

Perversions

"I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac."

"Necrophiliacs liked cracking open a cold one every so often just like everyone else..."

"Dark humour is a lot like necrophilia, I only get it when it's dead and cold."

"— Is there sex after death ?
— Depends on your mortician."

"— If you could have sex with anybody (dead or alive) who would it be !? — Somebody alive for sure."

"— How did you realize your partner was dead ?
— Well, the sex was the same, but the dishes started to pile up..."

"My favorite thing to do after sex ?
Re-bury the body..."

"Buggery is boring.
Incest is relatively boring.
Necrophilia is dead boring."

"I wonder if sex in heaven is considered necrophilia."

"Necrophilia: better late than never."

"Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I realized I was just flogging a dead horse."

"A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward."

"Did you know pigeons die when they have sex ? At least the one I fucked did."

"Twilight: The story of a girl's choice to practice bestiality or necrophilia."

"I always get narcolepsy and necrophilia mixed up — which is the one where I fall asleep in the middle of banging a corpse ?"    — Mark D. Sabien.

"Hi, I'm into necrophilia. How well do you play dead ?"    — Pickup line for goths.

"I'm specifying in my will that my body be donated to the local necrophiliac's club. At this point, I figure it's my best shot at ever getting laid again."    — Christopher Urich.

"Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around."    — David Lodge.

"Baby showers are crazy: you get presents for having sex and your mom is here."    — @mjhorgss.

"I hate people who let their kids run around naked on the beach... It's hard to hide an erection in swimming trunks."    — Squinky.

"What's black and blue and hates sex ? The 7 year old in my trunk."

"Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy."    — Linda Festa.

"I love children and would like to have as many as possible. My cell-mate, on the other hand, robbed a convenience store."

"Perverts aren't the leading cause of pedophilia, it's sexy children."

"First time having sex was like my first time riding a bike. My dad was holding me from behind."

"My girlfriend accused me of being a pedophile. I said: 'That's a pretty big word for a third grader'."

"Q: What's the difference between pedophilia and necrophilia?
A: 4 Minutes."

"I was blessed with a 9" penis. That priest is in jail now."

"Guys who are into women who just turned 18 are like bosses that pay their employees minimum wage. Sure it's 'legal' but we know if it wasn't for the law they'd be going lower."

"What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne ? Acne waits until I'm a teenager to come all over my face."

"I like my women like I like my wine, aged 12 years and in the cellar."

"Pedophiles... Fucking immature assholes."

"For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders. Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns. Only downside is politicians usually have good security."    — badjokesbyjeff.

"I'm sweating like Gary Glitter in Mothercare."    — swarthy15.

"When I was a child, I remember laying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left."

"A man is walking through the woods with a little girl at night. Suddenly the girl squeezes his hand and says: 'This place is creepy! I'm scared!' The guy looks down at her and replies: 'YOU'RE scared!? Imagine how I must feel? I have to walk back alone'..."

"I'm going to guess that the phrase 'wants children' means something different, depending on whether you're on a dating site, or on alt.sex.lolita. Yes ?"

"They have just found Jimmy Savile's diary. His last entry was about 10 years old."

"Even if some pervert watches child porn doesn't make him a rapist or molester any more than you wanking off to 'normal porn makes you a rapist or molester. If you say he's supporting child porn, then you should follow the money and jail those responsible for creating it. If he's torrenting it, then using the **AA's logic, he's killing the child porn industry !"

"Incest /n./ Sibling revelry."

"Incest is fun for the whole family."    — Bumper sticker.

"What is wrong with a little incest ? It is both handy and cheap."

"A little girl sees her mum standing in the shower, she points at her boobies and asks 'what's that mum' to which her mum replied 'these are breasts', then the girl asks 'when will i get those', to which her mum replied 'when you're older'. Later she sees her dad in the shower, she points to his penis and asks 'what's that daddy?' to which he replies 'it's a penis'. She asks 'when will i get one of those', the reply is 'when your mother leaves for work'."

"Mom! Mom! Sis got her period!
How do you know that, little Johnny?
Dad's dick tastes like blood."

Prostitution & misc sex workers

"Just my luck — judging by the itching and the rash, I think I'm allergic to prostitutes."    — Wiley.

"If having sex for money makes you a hoe, does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganization."    — Cloud Bitch.

"Subway is like prostitution: you pay a stranger to do your wife's job."

"Hookers don't fart, they let out little prosti-toots."

"If love is forever, then it doesn't matter what you pay per hour."

"I'll give you the same advice my father gave me on the night I lost my virginity: 'just pick one. They all cost the same'."

"Who was the greatest prostitute in history ? Ms Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died."    — Will Ferrell.

"Selling is legal, fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal ?"    — George Carlin.

"If you think sex workers 'sell their bodies', but coal miners do not, your view of labor is clouded by your moralistic view of sexuality."    — Dr Eric Sprankle.

"Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money."    — Moliere.

"The best things in life are free... Try explaining that to an angry prostitute."    — Daniel Bokor.

"I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm !"    — George Carlin.

"We use sex to sell everything. We arrest those who buy and sell actual sex."

"If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it."    — Tommy Earl Bruner.

"Hamburg was fantastic. Between the whores and the groupies our dicks all just about dropped off."    — John Lennon, on the Beatles' early career in Germany.

"— I could never date a sex worker
— you're right, were very attractive, charismatic, independent, emotionally evolved, wise, and great at sex. You could never date a sex worker.
— That's not what I me—
— shhh... you could never date a sex worker."    — Cleo Constantine.

"Sex education classes in our public schools are promoting incest."    — Jimmy Swaggart, TV preacher, self-described pornography addict who paid prostitutes to commit 'pornographic acts'; hypocrite.

Alternative entry

"I bet the people of Gomorrah felt like they got the short end of the stick. After all, they didn't get a perversion or a criminal activity named after them."    — Mike Miles.

"It's only sodomy if it's from the sodom and gomorrah region of mesopotamia, otherwise it's just sparkling butt stuff."

"If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position."

"'The minivan': 2 in the front, 5 in the rear..."

"Is it normal for the doctor to have both his hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam ?"

"Despite global distaste, 'The Human Centipede' (2010) is not actually that bad. Most of it is tongue in cheek."

"Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex ?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak."

"My boyfriend once told me he's not a guy who buys flowers and yesterday I got flowers. The butt stuff is working !"    — @everanting.

"A world without women would be a pain in the ass. If you know what I mean."

"Expecting Parents, PLEASE, I beg you, please look at what your child's name will be spelled backwards."    — Marlana.

"Back in my day, 'buttlicker' was a top shelf, break in case of emergency, schoolyard insult. Nowadays it is a selectable option on most dating sites."    — troystru.

"Why is spicy the only flavor my butt can detect ?
Why can't I eat pancakes and then 14 hours later be like 'OOH PANCAKES AGAIN'..."

"My girl was asking me where I'm taking her for Valentine's day. Apparently 'from behind' was not the correct answer."

"Anal sex is a lot like your first car: you don't really want it but your step-dad gives it to you anyways."

"Pure of heart, dumb of ass."

"Anal sex is like spinach: if you were forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't enjoy it as an adult."

"My boyfriend once told me he's not a guy who buys flowers and yesterday I got flowers. The butt stuff is working !"    — @everanting.

"Some girl once asked me: 'Would you like breasts or legs ?' I replied I'm more into shaved pussy and anal and now I'm banned from KFC."

"Guys only like anal because women hate it."

"I used to date a hot english teacher. She dumped me after I improperly used her colon."

"I told him to fuck me like a man. So he put it in my ass and called me Steve..."

"My grandma just said 'it's easy to say you're over someone if you aren't seeing them. The challenge is to look them in the eye and see their smile and hear their voice and still be able to say 'I don't want to eat your ass anymore'' and idk why but that just hit me too deep."

"— Dad, why is my sister named Teresa ?
— Because your mom loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram for Easter.
— Thanks Dad.
— No problem Alan."

"It's tough being married to a teacher: she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon."

"Don't brag about how good you can cook, men will eat 3 day old pizza. Impress him with anal sex."    — Grandma.

"I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said 'I'm feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my arse!' As soon as I did, she screamed ! I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first."

"My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1 to 10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done."

"Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'."    — Jimmy Carr.

"If a guy doesn't text me back for a few hours I just write 'Anal?' Then when he replies (immediately) I say, 'Ooops sorry that wasn't for you'."    — Kate Quigley.

"My wife was really turned on when we finally did the anal bead thing. At least she was until I told her I'd used her grandmother's antique necklace."    — Gus Harris.

"I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction. My copy of the script clearly said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'."    — Lester Stevens.

"The eyes are the window to the soul. The door isn't specified."    — Oglaf.

"When the Red River is flooded, take the muddy path."    — Confucius says.

"One time my friend was having ass sex with his gf in the living room and when they were done... she dropped one on the carpet. Then his parents came home. It ain't big, just a little thing, but they ran out leaving it there. When the parents see it they take the dog to the vet and put it to sleep..."    — eviltown103.

"I got an erection during a prostrate examination; it was then that he realised I wasn't a doctor."

"When you think about it, there is really a fine line between being a proctologist and just being a perverted ass-freak. And according to the judge who sentenced me, that line is called a 'medical degree'."    — Brad Wilkerson.

"Today my boyfriend has found a new nickname for my butt: 'Gandalf'. Apparently his 'Thou shalt not pass' strikes a bell."    — Seigneurette.

"Your butt is mine."    — Michael Jackson, in song 'Bad'.

"To me sex should be like a run-on sentence: no peroids and no colons."    — Steve Ryan.

"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."

"There's a professional baseball team in Japan named the Swallows. I guess 'Takes It Up the Ass' was too long to fit on their uniforms."    — Anthony Myers.

"Remember: Anal sex is just like vaginal sex, except afterwards your cock may have shit on it."

"There's nothing that will bring a woman back down to earth with a rock solid THUD than realizing that you only have half of that 1/4 pound weiner from Costco in your hand."

"It was only after I untied my girlfriend from being face down on the bed that I learned her screaming, 'Asshole!' was a statement about my character and not an invitation or request."    — Dave Henry.

"My girlfriend always wants to make love at the same EXACT time, in the same EXACT position, while listening to the same EXACT music, with the same EXACT incense burning. I guess that's what they mean when they talk about 'anal' sex."    — Tim H. Richweis.

"The Ancient Greeks also invented sex, but the Romans tried it with women as well. Kinda like how the Arabs invented the condom, but the Europeans improved on it by removing it from the goat first."

"Women do: Piercings in the strangest places, Tattoos everywhere, Face liftings, Cesarian Birth, Liposuction, Surgical reduction of the abdomen, Plucking of facial hair and eyebrows, Depilation with hot wax. So how can they dare to tell you 'it hurts' when you ask for some anal sex ?!?"    — Maky.

"Don't call it 'bleaching you asshole' but 'changing your ringtone'."

"A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice."

"Lawyer /n./ Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to 'following too closely'."

"When you get right down to it, fisting is just warm, velvety muppet sex."    — From a Card againt Humanity hand.

"Don't fuck me in the ass and tell me it's a blowjob !"    — Joe Pesci in Casino.

"After my wife got a lower back tattoo that said 'Paradise', I complained that it lacked an arrow to point me in the right direction. Her answer: 'Too bad for you if you don't know where to go by now'."

"Ogni donna e seduta sulla propia fortuna."

"Oral Sex: the taste of things to come."

"Okay, I admit I'm not very good at oral sex. But my wife doesn't have to keep rubbing my nose in it."    — Gordon Sherman.

"My wife just had her teeth whitened. Although, to be honest, most of it landed on her chin."

"You know the worst thing about oral sex ? The view."    — Maureen Lipman.

"So my boyfriend has dandruff, and I need to give him head and shoulder. Okay, but how do I give him shoulder ?!?"

"If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent."    — Scott Adams.

Does a hand job from a deaf person count as oral sex ?"

"Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie."    — William Shakespeare.

"If you're not into oral sex, keep your mouth shut !"    — Helmet sticker.

"It's only a blowjob if you're a sex worker. Otherwise it's just a blowhobby."    — Mia Walsch.

"Great head is hard to come by, but easy to cum by."

"What is better than roses on a piano ?
Tulips on an organ."

"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball ? Nothing, she just gagged a little."

"The bird that delivers babies is called the stork. And the bird that prevent girls from getting pregnant is called the swallow."

"Titanic: goes down on you on the first date. Swallows a lot of seamen."

"Australian kiss: same as french kiss, but down under."

"You know you have a high sperm count when she has to chew before she swallows."

"What are the two most important holes in a woman's body ? No, it's not them, you dirty bastards. It's her nostrils... They allow her to breathe while she is sucking cock."

"Date people who want to suck your private parts, not your energy."

"69: a meal for two with a hairy view."

"6.9: just another good thing ruined by a period."

"69 + 69 = dinner for 4."

"I am gonna get a tattoo of a $100 bill on my penis... Because women like to blow money and I like to watch my money grow."    — Usama.

"It's weird how it's socially acceptable to put someone else's genitals in your mouth but eating a dorito off the floor after a few seconds is gross what a fuckin double standard."

"You penetrate my mouth. Your in-and-outs are furious. Sometimes a hair get stuck between my teeth. You always leave that white tasty liquid in my mouth... Good ol' toothbrush..."

"On the plus side, my girlfriend looked mighty sexy on Halloween night in her vampire costume. On the down side, she was too drunk to remember to remove the fangs before the blowjob."    — James Knowles.

"Honey, you need to suck his penis like your ex is watching."    — Dr Ruth Westheimer, sex therapist.

"If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth."

"Men: Vaginas with teeth are a terrifying concept holy shit no.
Also men: Wow I love blowjobs."

"Medical fact: if a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well."

"I can finish off a man in 30 seconds too, Connor Mcgregor is not special."    — Aut Nap.

"You mother is so stupid she got fired from a blow job."

"Blow jobs are ironic by nature: you suck; and for most people it's not your actual job."    — Oglaf.

"A 4in tongue can bring a 6ft man to his knees."

"Did you hear the one about the actress who blew her big chance but still didn't get the part ?"

"I may not be prettiest, or the funniest, but I gag on your cock with FULL INTENT of killing myself so what more do you want ?"

"These days, a woman can get anywhere by using her head   especially the mouth part."    — Kaleb Hewitt.

"I told my girlfriend that a praying mantis female eats its mate after copulation. She didn't take the hint."    — James Floyd.

"Great news: My girlfriend sucks ! Bad news: My girlfriend sucks ! Linguistic trick or another one of life's bittersweet mysteries ?"    — Ed Smith.

"When my wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled: 'Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!' 'Wow', I thought, 'I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this!'"    — Brad Simanek.

"Let's flip a coin: heads I get tail. Tails I get head."    — Seen on a T-shirt.

"Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing !"

"Courage /n./ Two cannibals having oral sex."

"It's not easy spelling bukkake. Especially with your mouth full."

"I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party. Everyone came, you should have seen her face."

"My wife just said 'bukkake' in front of the kids, to my shock. She then admitted that she didn't know what it meant and thought it meant like bullshit or something fake and she'd 'said it in meetings'. I made her Google it and now she's having a panic attack."    — K. Thor Jensen.

"If you go down on your college professor you *might* get a better grade, but if you kick him in the balls and threaten his life, you'll definitely get a better grade AND he'll still respect you in the morning."    — Stephanie Thompson.

"Word to the wise: Fellas, if your girlfriend casually mentions that she wants a facial, don't get your hopes up — it's probably not what you think it is."    — Dawson Rambo.

"When I was in high school, I kept hearing about guys giving their girlfriends facials. 1 remember thinking, 'I can't wait to have a boyfriend so I can get pampered too'. Imagine my surprise when the day finally came."    — Melanie Gibson.

"An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants."    — Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live.

"Let's flip a coin. Heads, you give me head; tails, I get some tail."

"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls, but when I got the bill for the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that it was enough to make a blown man cry."

"My ex-wife had a fixation about having sex in her ear. Every time I tried to stick my cock in her mouth, she turned her head."    — Dave Henry.

"At a wedding last week, my wife said: 'Isn't the bride beautiful ?' When I responded by saying, 'Yeah, but her blowjobs aren't half as good as yours', she got all pissed off. Women — they can't take a compliment!"    — Dave Henry.

"68: Do me now and I'll owe you one."

"Girls that think oral sex isn't really sex are so fucked in the head."

"Some guys try to be smooth on Valentine's Day, giving their lovely lady a gift of lingerie or jewelry over dinner in a blatant attempt to get lucky. I prefer to let the dinner speak for itself — I just hope my wife enjoys the entree of blowfish and clams in white sauce I ordered for her."    — Brad Simanek.

"She made me suck her strapon and then called me her little sea turtle because I was choking on plastic."

"I want a girl that can swallow my pride."    — Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess".

Right: What did your dentist say?

"I saw a woman on TV touting Hummers starting at $50,000. Well, for that price, Honey, I'd expect to see my unsheathed testicles hanging out through my urethra when you're done."    — Mark D. Sabien.

"God is love... and you shall honor him on your knees..."    — From the Bible.

"Cunnilingus is next to godliness."    — Kali Nichta.

"If she sits on your face she legally owns you. Squatters rights and all that."

"What I lack in dick game I make up for with my mediocre cunnilingus skills."

"She was sucking it so hard the sheets were going up my ass..."

"I wish I could sleep with Mr. Spock. Not that he's so great looking or anything, but it would be easy to grab those ears and steer him on a course down south."    — Rita McCleary.

"I was eating a chocolate bar in my kitchen the other day, when my mom walks in. I was like 'it's like an orgasm in my mouth' and my mom says 'oh, believe me, you DON'T want to know what that tastes like'. I guess she realized what she said, because she walked out really quickly."    — Delanushorse.

"I choked Linda Lovelace."    — Now THAT is a boast.

"I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw."    — Tallulah Bankhead.

"Great lover /n./ A man who can breathe through his ears."

"— Damn this pussy so good
— thanks I just got it
— You what ?!?"

"I think the hardest part of eating pussy is digesting the collar."    — James Curry.

"What do smoking cigarettes and eating pussy have in common ?
The flavor changes when you get to the butt."

"It used to bother me when people called me a pussy. But the joke's on them — after all, you are what you eat!"    — John Schmidt.

"When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. 'I really haven't thought about it', gulped the stunned surgeon. 'You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!'"

Homosexuality

"I'd make a gay joke. Butt fuck it."

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."    — Lynne Lavner.

"If homosexuality were normal, God would have created Adam and Bruce."    — Anita Bryant.

"Homosexuality: not even mentioned in the Gospels, and the Old Testament has more to say about the evil of pork."

"Jesus had two dads. Why can't I ?"

"The world is full of men who hate each other, why worry about two men that love each other."    — Tony Benn, Prime Minister.

"My sexual orientation is straight
to the computer when I wake up."

"KNOW YOUR GAY HISTORY: Before the development of 'gaydar', people had to determine gayness by the stars, using a same-sextant."    — Tim Long.

"After 16yrs of marriage is finding out that your spouse sucked 100+ dicks before getting hitched a big deal or is my wife just overreacting ?"    — @larsonmatt2.

"Calling yourself non-binary categorizes everyone into binary or non-binary. creating a binary system which makes you binary again."

"The only straight I am is a straight up bitch."

"Shrimp is called an abomination in the Bible four times more often than homosexuality."

"According to the literature, man was made before the woman. So men were made with other men in mind."

"Gay sex is literally twice as manly as straight sex."

"For those of you confused about gay marriage, it's like normal marriage but with blowjobs, anal and fewer arguments about who left the toilet seat up."

"Have you heard about the guy who discovered he's both dyslexic and gay ? He's still in Daniel."

"If the fetus you save is gay, will you still fight for its rights ?"

"Asking who is the woman and who is the man in a gay relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork and which is the knife."

"I can't watch Brokeback Mountain for the same reason i can't watch horror movies. I would scream 'HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!' in the middle of the theater."    — who.

"Rape is 'God's will' but homosexuality is my 'choice'. Talk about making shit up as you go along."    — David Lauterstein.

"I went to a gloryhole thinking it'd be fun, chicks go to gloryholes, or so they do in the videos. Felt good for a while until I heard a moan from other side in a distinctly masculine voice, and that's when I realized I'd actually been sucking a guy's dick the entire time."

"My third eye must be a glory hole because my mind is FUCKED."

"If an individual has never tried broccoli, and another has tried it once, and both say 'I do not like broccoli', who has the more valid claim ? In this essay, I'll explain why it is more straight to fuck a dude in the ass once, than not at all."    — @scraftpunk.

"My Thai girlfriend said a small penis doesn't mean you can't have a loving relationship. I'd still prefer if she didn't have one though."

"Y'know what i don't get ? Lesbians who date girls who look like they may as well be guys... I mean... WTF... it's like deciding you like skydiving, then buying a submarine."    — Rebka.

"The lesbians next door asked what what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said: 'I wanna watch'."

"Kids should not run with scissors. And lesbians should not scissor with the runs."

"If the Barbie movie doesn't have a scissoring scene it will be completely inaccurate."    — @misslindsayv.

"Emily Dickinson really wrote to Sue 'I tore open your letter and licked the envelope's seal for any lingering taste of you' and historians thought they were just friends."    — Rosé.

"Why do lesbians masturbate with plastic penises and not with vaginas ?"

"Double standards disgust me. When a guy sleeps with a ton of women, he's a stud, but when a girl sleeps with a ton of women, she's a lesbian."

"My mom asked me if I was a lesbian and I was like no way I love big fat cocks in my mouth and she still got upset."    — Sarah Beattie.

"MF it's so hot I'm about to go from genderfluid to gendervapor."    — @yrfavblkhottie.

"If you don't support gay marriage, maybe you should stop watching girl on girl porn..."

"I recently found out that my best friend is gay. I know because his dick was hard while I was doing him in the ass..."

"The worst thing about a relationship between two women, you don't automatically know who's supposed to cook."    — Driph.

"NBC has announced it will air a three-episode marathon of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy opposite the Super Bowl on February 1st. So, if you get tired of watching a bunch of buff, sweaty men in uniforms patting each other on the ass and bending over to pass something between their legs, you now have the choice of watching something really gay."    — usrbingeek.

"Faggot isn't offensive to gays; it's got nothing to do with gays."    — Ann Coulter.

"If you were on a bus full of gay guys, would you get off ?"

"Virginia is for lovers, unless you happen to be gay, lesbian, transsexual or otherwise not straight."

"I'm not gay, although I wish I were, just to piss off the homophobes."    — Kurt Cobain.

"That does it, I'm creating characters of you in The Sims and I'm gonna make you have a gay marriage."    — neo_alex.

"The 'guns don't kill people' people sure seem to think a book can make you gay."    — Noah Garfinkel.

"Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children."    — CharoNoMe.

"I hope the next time you bow your head in prayer, you see the blood on your hands."    — Zooey Zephyr.

"Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall."    — CharoNoMe.

"I want to get a shirt that says: 'Marriage is for fags'."    — EpiPhony3693.

"I've certainly met quite a few more violent christians 'lets go kill us some fags' than violent gays 'lets go break into someones house and decorate it'."    — cevik.

"Homophobia: the fear that another man will treat you like you treat women."    — Andrew Sullivan.

"San Francisco /n./ Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse."

"San Francisco: A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces there."

"There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco — the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does."

"I'm never coming out to anyone ever again. If you can't tell I'm a little gay then that's on you."

"...I'm not a lesbian or anything (I would be if I were female, though)..."    — Drone74B.

"Did you know that you can get AIDS from a toilet seat ? But only if if you sit down before the other guy has gotten up."

"AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."    — Jerry Falwell, televangelist and professional bigot.

"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen'."    — Jerry Falwell, said after the sept 11th attacks.

"Hello sir, I'm from your internet provider. You recently said that 'homosexuality is wrong', so we've blocked you from seeing lesbian porn."

"Homosexuals are brute beasts... part of a vile and satanic system that will be utterly annihilated, and there will be a celebration in heaven."    — Jerry Falwell, televangelist and professional bigot.

"Bi now, gay later!"

"Bisexual /adj/ politically correct way to say you fuck anything."

"A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow."

"Still don't understand whether bisexual means twice per gender or every other gender."

"Bisexual /adj/ equal opportunity lover."

"Bisexual: putting the xy back in 'sexy'."

"The vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality could go either way."

"Still don't understand whether bisexual means twice per gender or every other gender."    — Bunnie.

"Byesexual (adj.) Being single for so long that you don't even remember what it's like to have romantic/sexual feelings."

"Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!"    — Bisexuality 101.

"I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year."    — Rodney Dangerfield.

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."    — Woody Allen.

"Being bi must be awful: that's twice as many people you can't have sex with."

"Being bi feels like being the straightest gay person and the gayest straight person."

"Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful — provided you get between the right man and the right woman."    — Woody Allen.

"Note to self: www.manpages.com is NOT an online resource to get Unix manual pages'."    — Techdeck.

"There's no way that whole Siberian Orchestra is trans."

"When you claim cisgender is a slur because you use transgender as one."    — Grae Hall.

"I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary."    — George Carlin.

"'Trans debate' is the newest iteration of such classics as the 'Jewish question' and the 'Negro problem'. People aren't debatable."    — jabletown.

"I got some girl mad. She told me who her boyfriend was. She asked you know him ? I said yeah i dated him."

"Did you hear that Marvin Gaye was shot by his father ? Some parents can't deal with their kids being gaye."    — wayfinder.

"I think we should change 'Being in the closet' to 'Keeping a straight face'."

"The fact that the straights have convinced themselves that wresting isn't gay erotic foreplay is truly the greatest mystery known to mankind."

"I think all guys have doubts about their heterosexuality at some time in their life. Especially the times they're touching another guy's penis."    — Jim Rosenberg.

"Quando voi eravate ancora sui alberi, noi eravamo gia froci."    — Antonio, da Roma.

prOn

"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting."    — Gloria Leonard.

"Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection."    — Anonymous.

"I think i'm allergic to porn, everytime I look at porn my cock swells."    — Piratez.

"Porn is like McDonald's. It's gonna be here whether you love it or hate it."    — Sasha Grey.

"Porn /n/ any picture or video you suddenly lose interest in after masturbating."    — As defined on cracked.com.

"The internet was created by the US defense department as a decentralized, fault tolerant network to ensure that in the event of a nuclear war, American soldiers would have continued access to pornography."

"You know you're twisted when pornhub doesn't autocomplete your searches..."

"A woman I graduated high school with is a semi famous pornstar, and seeing her videos move to the mature section of pornhub has made me feel worse than hearing the songs I grew up with on the classic rock stations."

"I'll NEVER forget when a boy in my high school chemistry class told me 'You'll never work at NASA' and laughed at me. That was the day I decided to do porn."    — @eggshellfriend.

"If someone says you look familiar, tell them you work in porn."

"IRC does something to people. If Steven Hawkings went onto IRC he would be talking about porn within 10 minutes."    — Ironfrost.

"I once saw a porn with the title 'supermassive black holes'. Wait, i think it might have been 'submissive black hoes'."

"Slow internet again. Either my son is downloading porn. Or my daughter is uploading it."

"All you need is love. All you want is sex. All you have is porn."

"I just watched my first pron today. I was so young back then..."

"I'm fairly sure if they took porn off the internet, there'd only be one website left, and it'd be called 'Bring Back the Porn' !"    — Dr Cox.

"Russian state porn: only Putin, no pull out."

"A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says 'I hope the porn is disabled'. The guy at the desk replies 'It's just regular porn you sick fuck'."

"There is always at least one person in Japanese porn who isn't enjoying it. Often, it's the viewer."    — Jevgenij Jakunschin.

"Does eating pornography count as oral sex?"    — The Covert Comic.

"I had two options: either close the porn or pull up my pants..."

"<Cobra> so i was watching a pr0n
<Thunder> wait, why u guys always say pr0n instead of porn ??
Thunder has been kicked by Guardian (No porn on this channel !)
<Cobra> ...
<Cobra> so i was watching a pr0n"

"World Poke Her Tour."    — Best porn movie title ever.

"I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines."    — Marilyn Chambers.

"I heard about a 70s porn site... I REALLY hope they mean the 1970s."

"No one has ever died from an overdose of pornography."    — J. Money and P. Tucker.

"My neighbor died in his locked garage last night. When I asked the cop what did him in, he said 'ass fixation'. Holy cow, I better start deleting my porn right now !"    — Kristian Idol.

"I have to say that sex ruined pornography for me. I discovered that women don't scream, 'Fuck me you big-cocked cowboy!' when you touch their elbow."    — Logan.

"My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live."    — Erica Jong.

"A widespread taste for pornography means that nature is alerting us to some threat of extinction."    — J. G. Ballard.

"It'll be a sad day for sexual liberation when the pornography addict has to settle for the real thing."    — Brendan Francis.

"X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot."

"Internet porn is not out of control. It's out of your control. And that's the way I like it."    — QuantumG.

"You know you watch too much porn when you start to recognise the MALE pornstars."    — tom93.

"I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot."    — J. Hutter.

Right: Porn in alpha neolithic version (from Malta island).

"When I was your age, there wasn't any Internet. I had to walk barefoot in the snow to the Quicky Mart and sneak my porn home in brown paper bags the way God intended."

"Virgin teenage boys know how it's done now, because they're able to download porn from the internet for free. The internet, you see, exists so that we don't have to endure numbingly stupid sex scenes in movies anymore."    — Mike18XX.

"I love when strange men online try to tell me I shouldn't have opinions because I've done porn. Sir, I'm able to be a cum dumpster and have opinions, just like your mother."    — Sydney Leathers.

"Morons. These people who live in my apartment complex are connected to my wireless. They must think they're super-cool hackers by breaking into my completely unsecure network. Unfortunately, the connection works both ways. Long story short, they now have loads of horse porn on their computer."    — Mootar from bash.org.

"When I was a teenager, Mom said I'd go blind if I didn't quit doing *that*. Maybe she was right — since the invention of internet porn, computer monitors keep getting bigger and bigger. !"    — Bill Ervin.

"Isn't that like a greek tragedy ? A man who spends all his time downloading porn but never gets to look at it ?"    — Pander.

"I see ads saying that I can 'GET PAID to Surf the Web !'. Let's see... I'm at work checking out my favorite porn sites right now. Hey, I'm already getting paid to surf the web !"    — Bill Ervin Tigard

"Out of convicted rapists, 57% admitted to reading pornography. 95% admitted to reading the Bible."

"Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume ?"    — Richard Fleischer.

"G: No girl.
PG: The hero gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure which end it will be.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl."    — Handy guide to movie ratings.

"You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches."    — Dita Von Teese.

"— We gotta discuss some of the mysteries of life...
— Yes father, what do you want to know ?"    — Warner Bro Sylvester cartoon.

"I was pretty dumb about computers. Then I learned you could get porn on them. 3 years later I'm a system administrator."    — [NCA]Spank.

"You think the Teletubbies ever watch porn on each other's tv stomachs?"    — GarregMachGatekeeper.

"I hate when I'm watching porn and suddenly there's a man's butthole right in my face and I'm like 'go away dad I'm watching porn'."    — Bob DenBleyker.

Masturbation

"Don't knock Masturbation, it's sex with someone you love !"    — Woody Allen in Annie Hall.

"There's a big difference between a guy and a girl saying 'I went through a whole box of tissues watching that movie'."

"What's masturbation ?
It's a touchy subject..."

"— the doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it.
— No. He said you could have a stroke at any time."

"One time, I wrote so many double entendres... I had to rub one out."

"Are you addicted to masturbation ? Reach out to me, and we can beat it together."

"That's what you tell your parents if they catch you masturbating: 'I wasn't masturbating. I was cleaning it and it went off'."

"The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you."    — Woody Allen.

"The legal status of masturbation through out history have varied from virtually unlimited acceptance to complete illegality. In fact in a 1640s law code for the Puritan colony of New Haven, Connecticut in the 17th century 'blasphemers, homosexuals and masturbators' were eligible for the death penalty."    — Wikipedia entry on masturbation.

"Woman: — You are the greatest lover I have ever known.
Woody Allen: — Well, I practice a lot when I'm on my own."

"I'm like a happy meal because I always come with a toy inside."

"Masturbation combines the two greatest sensations in life: orgasms and not dealing with other people."

"Aladdin taught me that good things happen to those who rub one out."

"Sorry if I accidentaly liked your pics. My phone shakes a lot when I masturbate."

"My teacher said: 'female masturbation is a myth'. So I climbed up on his desk and became a legend."

"There are 27 bones in your hand... 28 if your are lonely."

"If you have masturbation addiction, you will either beat it or beat it."

"If a guy is addicted to masturbation but then gets addicted to sex, is it fair to say his addiction got out of hand ?"

"In 1994, when the Surgeon General of the United States, Dr. Joycelyn Elders, mentioned as an aside that it should be mentioned in school curricula that masturbation was safe and healthy, she was forced to resign."

"If you get caught masturbating and you stop, then you're just the guy who got caught. But if you keep going, then the guys who caught you become gay for watching. Success is all about finding the hidden advantage in a negative situation."    — Tony Robbins.

"If god hates masturbation so much, he should give me a girlfriend."    — Oglaf.

"Boys ? You mean sex toys that are rude and don't even vibrate ? No thank you."    — Anxius.

When anyone tells me my biological clock is ticking, ! tell them that I can't hear it since I took the batteries out and stuck them in my vibrator."    — Jen Natalie.

"You know it's overkill for a good sex toy when the motor is rated in horsepower."

"Physics is to math what sex is to masturbation."    — Richard P. Feynman (1918-88), Nobel prize winner.

"But what does God do when I kill a kitten."    — Minwee.

"My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt. I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives lots of time to jerk off to Chriss Pratt."    — ArchAngelofSloths.

"Anything more than three shakes is for fun."

"The CDC says to disinfect the places that you touch the most. Don't do it, it freaking burns !"

"Given that tickling yourself does not work the same as someone else tickling you, we really lucked out on masturbation."

"According to my Nike Fuelband, I just masturbated for 4 miles."

"If you don't enjoy masturbation, you only have yourself to blame."

"Maturity is being home alone and doing something more productive than masturbating."

"Sex is like anything else; if you want it done right you have to do it yourself."

"I masturbate because I'm the only person with standards low enough to fuck me."

"During my physical the doctor said I had to stop masturbating. I asked why. He said because he was trying to give me a physical..."    — Jim Carr.

"Masturbation: Put the 'stain' back in 'Abstain'."    — Mitch Berg.

"Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes 'say masturbate, it'll be hilarious'."    — Anna Kendrick.

"One orgasm in the bush is worth two in the hand."    — Robert Reisner.

"Having my right hand as a girlfriend is the best relationship I've ever had. It's always up for threesomes, it'll never cheat on me. And best of all, I don't have to talk to it after sex, because I don't know sign language."    — Deranged.

"An Oreo is a delicious sandwich cookie that never wanted to be the go-to metaphor for interracial threesomes."

"A threesome ? No thank you. If I want to disappoint two people at once I'll go to dinner with my parents."

"I had a 3-way the other night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a good time."

"'Will you marry me?' is a marriage proposal. 'Will, you, Mary, me' is a foursome proposal."

"A pessimist is forever alone. An optimist is always two people away from a threesome."

"If sex between 3 people is a threesome and sex between 2 people is a twosome, you should understand why they call me handsome."

"Stop assuming I've had threesomes because I'm bisexual and start assuming I've had threesomes because I'm fun and people want to rail me."    — Pamela Ross.

"Don't knock threesomes Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate."    — Sophie Duker.

"I love school. Today our term paper due date's set. Our instructor says that we WILL hand in the paper on time, and she'll accept no excuses except illness, with a note from our doctor, or a death in the immediate family, with a note from the dead member. So this wiseass pipes up: 'What about extreme sexual exhaustion ?' She waits for the laughs to die down and says: 'Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand'."    — glacial.

"Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure."    — Thomas Szasz.

"Nothing is better than sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, masturbation is better than sex."

"Her name is Palmela, she has five fingers and if I sit on her for 20 minutes I can call her a stranger."

"My friends keep telling me I'm doing it with Mary Palmer. That's not true — I'm too busy masturbating to meet anyone new."    — Rowdy Roddy.

"I'm stranded at the gas station of love, and I have to use the self service pump..."    — screevo.

"I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom."    — Strange de Jim.

"When I tell you to go fuck yourself, that doesn't mean to go off in a corner and masturbate."

"Involving other people in your sex life just complicates things."

"It's a fact that you have to deal with sooner or later: the latent homosexuality involved with masturbating."    — JtotheB.

"Wet dreams are just God wacking you off. He does it for you if you don't do it yourself. That sperm is gonna come out one way or another."

"Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing is jerking off, why do you care how big it is ?"    — From alt.sex.

"Since I've been depressed I've completely lost the urge to masturbate. I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately."    — Kim Moser.

"I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in her shadow !"

"And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with."    — Rodney Dangerfield.

"The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it."    — Truman Capote.

"The speed of sound is defined by the distance from door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close the media player and pull up your pants when your mom shouts 'OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING'."    — yoozer.

"For some reason I always confuse the words 'marinate' and 'masturbate'. Maybe that's why nobody likes my cooking."    — Scott E. Frank.

"Masturbation is our first and natural form of sexual activity and if that's inhibited or damaged, then we suffer for the rest of our lives."    — Betty Dodson.

"Haven't had sex in sooooooo long. It's gotten to the point where I masturbate thinking of other times I masturbated."    — RikI.

"The first time I had sex, I was terrified. I was so alone..."

"My sister caught me jacking off the other week and called me a pervert. Then just the other day I walked into her room and caught her masturbating. So she called me a pervert again ! There is no justice in the world..."    — Chin.

"Yes, but WHERE on Eileen ?"    — Charlotte A. Cavatica.

"When you're masturbating, there's no such thing as premature ejaculation. It's called efficiency."

"I am NOT gonna donate sperm for money. What would I do if, in 18 years, the kid looked me up ? I'd have to tell him that he was beer money."    — theSpear.

"When I donate blood, I do not extract it myself, a nurse does it for me. Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way..."

"The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said: 'Wee, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet'."

"As my spunk dribbled down the wife's chin, I looked her in the eyes and said, 'Do you like that ?'
'No', she replied, 'What the fuck is in this sandwich ?'"

"I was an altar boy, a spokesperson for the Virgin Mary, I was a choir boy but then at the age of 14 I discovered masturbation and all that went out the window."    — Guillermo del Toro.

"My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."    — Emo Philips.

"A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: 'Because everything does'."    — Honor Tracy.

"Every time you kill a kitten, God masturbates."

"Clinton masturbates in the sinks."    — Ann Coulter (1999).

"You know jerking off in the shower has its disadvantage. Now the rain makes me horny."    — Agilo.

"I jack off in the shower so much that I get a hard-on whenever it rains."    — SpudMuffn.

"How lucky we are that we can reach our genitals instead of that spot on our back that itches."    — Flash Rosenberg.

"If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate."    — Diogenes the Cynic (412-323BCE).

"I think masturbation is wrong and dirty. So, get someone else to do it for you."

"If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out. If thy dick offends thee, whack it off."

"I urge all our listeners to masturbate. Right now. Because it takes the wind right out of the sex drive. We don't want rapists going into society half-cocked and ready to go. If they masturbate, they'll say, 'Uhh... I think I'll rape tomorrow instead'."    — Loveline.

"If sex is so personal, why do we have to share it with someone ?"

"I just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens. That's 2 years of training I'll never get back."    — JFD1960.

"My favorite masturbation technique is called 'The Abraham Lincoln'. That's where I shoot a load on the back of someone's head and try to escape the movie theatre before getting caught."

"I used to consider myself a member of the Mile High Club until I learned that masturbating in Denver doesn't count."    — Tom Sullivan.

"— I masturbate cause my hand doesn't give me any backtalk. I'm like 'Get down there bitch'. And its all '!! k'. And afterwards it cleans itself off and doesn't say a thing.
—I sometimes make a little puppet with my hand, and make it talk before i masturbate with it, saying things like 'no, please... i'm a virgin!' and stuff like that. You know, resisting a bit. I like foreplay when i masturbate."    — Soap answering Talwin on IRC.

"If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again."    — Dennis Miller.

"Ok so im wacking off to a video of two lesbians fucking each other then i hear my mom walking down the hall to this room so i quickly close the video then she walks in and im sitting with my pants down, left hand around the cock, and she looks at me...then looks at the screen... my desktop was open and had three naked gnomes standing by a fireplace... the look on her face as she left the room will stick with me till the day i die."    — Chalklatemilk.

"They need to reinvent the internet so i can enjoy it with both hands."    — nocashvaluedrumz.

"It is called in our schools 'beastliness', and this is about the best name for it... should it become a habit it quickly destroys both health and spirits; he becomes feeble in body and mind, and often ends in a lunatic asylum."    — Robert Baden-Powell, British soldier and founder of the Boy Scouts. Referring to masturbation.

"I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late start without me."    — Tallulah Bankhead.

"Every so often, I try to masturbate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not really sure what it means."

"My bed is evil. It's a spy. At night... it squeeks. It's as if it's telling my mum: 'he's masturbating, he's masturbating!'"    — AnimeMan.

"What do you call a tall guy who can masturbate 10 times in a single day ? No, it's not a joke, I really need to know, because I want to put it on my resume."    — Damon R. Milhem.

"The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me."

"Compulsive masturbator on board... check your windshield wipers."    — Bumper sticker.

"Throughout my life, I've tried my hand at many things, and guess what? It turned out to be the perfect tool for masturbating!"    — Sebastian Pivnicka.

"Y'know, its sad when you have to fake an orgasm while masturbating."    — Kathryn.

"Remember: People who live in glass houses can see you masturbating in their bushes."    — Dan Johnson.

"Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand."

"Small wonder that proto-humans developed articulated hands with opposable thumbs — it's the only way to masturbate if you can't lick yourself like other animals."    — James Knowles.

"I hate being hungry and horny at the same time, because then I have to decide whether to eat or masturbate first, and it seems like I always choose wrong because the guy from Domino's arrives before I can finish up."    — Rabbi Crut.

"I'm not so sure that having a sexy young girlfriend is such a great deal. I'm spending a small fortune on fancy dinners and romantic bed-and-breakfast weekends, and what I'm saving on Kleenex and wrist braces doesn't even begin to cover it."    — Chris MacEachen.

"If you have sex with your Siamese twin, it is masturbation or incest?"    — Kris.

"Sigmund Freud: All men secretly REALLY REALLY want to have sex with their mothers. It's the Oedipus Complex.
Oedipus: (Who literally gouged his own eyes out and killed himself when he found out he accidentally had sex with his mother) I'm sorry it's the WHAT complex ?"

"Oedipus is a motherfucker."

"Climax is 1 percent copulation and 99 percent masturbation. At least for me. For the time being."    — Jim Rosenberg.

"I heard that practicing tantric sex can help you last for hours, so I tried it, and I'm happy to report that it works. The only problem is that my arm gets REALLY tired."    — Derek Winsworth.

"— Stop that son, you'll go blind !
— I'm over here dad..."

"The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said: 'It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want !'"

"Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself."

"Last night, I finally realized a longtime fantasy... I came all over my girlfriend's face. Man, was she pissed when she woke up..."

"I always ask my new girlfriends what's the first thing they think of when they hear the words 'shower head'. If they answer 'Home Depot', I dump them on the spot."    — Dave O'Shea.

"As I fill out the job application and get to the part about 'Sex: F or M', I never know which to choose — I really like to 'F', but spend most of the time alone 'M'-ing."    — Tony J. Podrasky.

"It's important to pay close attention in school — for years I thought that bears masturbated all winter."    — Damon R. Milhem.

"The trouble with my sex life is that it too often takes place with just one consenting adult."

"...It's like dating a nymphomaniac who can suck the cum out of your dick without even undoing your fly, and then being forced to go back to yee olde masturbation ritual of warm mayonnaise in a sock."    — Nikolaus Maack.

"The new 'Cindy Crawford Workout Video' is bloody marvelous. I've only had it a fortnight and I've already got a right arm like Arnold Schwarzenegger."

"I wonder if the person who invented the vibrator was moved to act by ghostly voices chanting, 'If you build it, they will come'."    — Brad Simanek.

"My girlfriend uses my razor in places I'd rather not know about and doesn't explicitly tell me. I'm okay with that, though, because I do the same thing with her vibrator."    — Mark D. Sabien.

"My girlfriend refers to me in bed as the 'Energizer Bunny'. It's not because I can go for hours or anything — it's because I'm really good at rolling over and handing her fresh batteries for her vibrator."    — Kim Moser.

"The person who sees your vibrator as a threat and not their collaborator is probably not your soulmate."

"Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said: 'If you build it they will come' ?"

"Have you ever tried to tickle yourself ? Everybody has some wacko aunt or uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's your fist. Thank God other parts of our bodies are dumber."

"How much wood would a woodsman sport if a woodsman spotted a naughty little wood nymph frolicking in a mountain stream ?"    — Doug Finney.

"If masturbation makes you deaf, fellatio makes you mute, at least until you finish it."

"Never masturbate faster than your guardian angel can fly."    — Mike MacDonald.

"I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again."    — Bart Simpson.

"The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on."

"Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite."

"If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter."    — George Carlin.

"In the nineteenth century masturbation was a disease; in the twentieth, it is a cure."

"Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked."

"Sex is like a bridge game; if you have a good hand no partner is needed."

"Sex with no partner is like playing cards alone. Your own hand beats you."    — Michael Whitmire.

"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation."    — Lilly Tomlin.

"When you have a cut, you have to leave it alone and let it scab over so it can heal, right ? So when a 14-year-old guy has a cut on his penis, that cut can be there until he's 27."    — Adapted from Loveline.

"Welcome to masturbation anonymous. I see everybody came today. That's disappointing."

"I feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations from sex. For example, having it with another person."

"In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities."    — Les Claypool.

"You know what's the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating ? Your ears listening for foosteps."

"Hats off to Christians who believe Jesus and grandma are always watching from heaven but masturbate anyway."

"911, what's your emergency ? I'm masturbating too much. Sir, that's not really a problem. One sec; did you hear that mom ? Now get off my case !"

"Les voies du Seigneur sont impénétrables, mais je doute que sa sensibilité soit inébranlable..."    — Trichelieu.

Virginity, abstinence and contraception

"To all virgins........ thanks for nothin'."    — Bumper sticker.

"I'm so virgin, there isn't even a word to describe how much sex I have not had."    — ecks.

"If you want to preserve your virginity, it's about not wanting to belong to the human species."    — Catherine Breillat.

"Abstinence /n/ NICE word for loser."

"I don't know how you can believe in Jesus and still think abstinence prevents pregnancies."    — rellekmr.

"Don't die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you up there."

"I'm all for promoting abstinence. The more people who are abstinant the less pathetic I look."    — rellekmr.

"Abstinence-only sex education makes as much sense as removing seatbelts from cars because the seatbelts will encourage speeding."

"Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers."

"Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie ? The parents hire a demon to get a priest out of their child."

"Half an hour after most Disney movies end, the main character loses her virginity."

"Well, I've got one son, but I'll be damned if I remember how that happened."

"Celibacy is a waste of my fucking time."

"What pleasures do monks have in life ? Nun."

"You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy. I would go a month, two months, without having sex. It worked for me because it made me a vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything like that."    — Jake LaMotta.

"The only downside to being a virgin is that you can literally be used as a blood sacrifice at any given moment."    — cheezetits.

"I haven't lost my virginity because I never lose..."

"Nothing is so much to be shunned as sex relations."    — St. Augustine (354-430), Soliloquies.

"My friends and I experimented sexually during high school. It sounds cools, but I was the control group."    — Wyattfeegrado.

"Oral contraceptive /n./ The word 'No'."

"The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after, but instead."

"I would like to outlaw contraception... contraception is disgusting — people using each other for pleasure."    — Joseph Scheidler (Pro-life action league).

"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion."    — Spike Milligan.

"A more well known form of contraception is known from ancient Egypt a plug made from crocodile dung and sour milk. This is suggested to be both a barrier and a spermicide. The smell may have also acted as an incentive for the man to go outside for a brisk walk instead."    — Alun.

"I have a friend who affectionately calls her three kids pill, condom, and diaphragm. Nothing worked for her."    — Aronnyn.

"Condoms are cheaper than diapers."

"Condoms are for fucking pussies."

"Unions are like condoms in that the amount of pushback you get for demanding to have one is directly correlated with how much you need one."    — Paul Byron but scary.

"Condoms are like picking up dog shit with a bag. You can't really feel it, but you know its there."    — Daniel Tosh.

"Cashier, scanning condoms: Sir, do you need a bag ?
Me: No, she isn't that ugly..."

"So I was at the pharmacy the other day and I told the lady I wanted 50 condoms please, two girls behind me started to giggle so I turned around and looked them in the eyes and said: 'make it 52'."

"When I was a senior in high school we had to make a video and had to have blood packs. The best blood packs are made from condoms. We had the following on the checkout counter: 1 Box of Trojan Magnum condoms, 2 Bottles of Corn oil, 4 Bottles of red food color, 2 Super 8 video cassettes and 1 Roll of duct tape. I have never before gotten weirder looks."    — TheDarkOfKnight.

"A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked. The cucumber said: 'Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad'. So the pickle looks at him and says: 'You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar'. The penis glared at them both and said: 'You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until i throw up and pass out'."

"When I was in the fifth grade I was taught sex-ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian. Either way, there's been very limited experience handling meat."    — Allen Lindsey.

"Conservatives say teaching sex education in the public schools will promote promiscuity. With our education system ? If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math or science, they've got nothing to worry about."    — Beverly Mickins.

"Why should we take advice on sex from the pope ? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!"    — George Bernard Shaw.

"Q: What's the difference between a line of costumed Star Wars fans entering the premiere of EpIII and a line of costumed cardinals entering the conclave to pick the new pope ?
A: The Star Wars line has a higher concentration of virgins."

"I remember in high school, somebody made an off hand remark wondering why they sacrificed virgins. And I was all like: 'they sure as hell ain't going to give up the ones that put out'. And then I got detention."    — ZADrinking.

"Why ruin a young girl's life when you can make an older women SO very happy !"    — Ben Franklin.

"Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already been born ?"    — Benny Hill.

"Birth control pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest."

"Until that day when women, and only women, shall determine which American males must, by law, have vasectomies, then — and only then — will you or any man have the right to determine which American women can have abortions."    — Betty Beale.

"Doesn't it strike you as mildly ironic that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place ?"    — George Carlin.

"I'm against abortion because I'm just against women making choices"    — MassHypnosisJoe.

"I doubt I'd ever be in favor of aborting an unwanted pregnancy I'd helped create, but I know damn sure I don't want Tom DeLay involved in the decision."    — Jonathan Colan.

"If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament."    — Florynce R. Kennedy (1916- ), US lawyer, civil rights activist, and feminist.

"Well, abortion jokes aren't funny. There's no delivery."

"We should ban life jackets and other flotation devices
They only encourage risky behavior. The only 100% effective way to prevent drowning is total abstinence from going in the water. And if you do, by chance, find yourself struggling with drowning, then no life-saving or otherwise procedure or act should be allowed to be administered. You got yourself into this mess, you have to live with the consequences.
You should see drowning as a gift.
Also, if you were forcibly pushed into the water, don't worry. If it was a legitimate pushing, your body will find a way to shut out all the water and survive the drowning."

"I think what I liked most about my first time having sex was that glowy feeling from head to toe you get after realizing you can't be thrown into a volcano as a sacrifice anymore."   — Fred Taming.

"I bet you one unplanned pregnancy that you are secretly pro-choice."

Marriage

"The longest sentence known to man: 'I do'."

"Marriage is the sole cause of divorce."

"Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn't have to end at work."

"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished."    — Goethe.

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."    — Henry Youngman.

"Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it from charity, or revenge ?."    — Gustave Vapereau.

"Take this marriage thing seriously – it has to last all the way to the divorce."

"Marriage is only good for two things: tax breaks and adultery."    — Skwisgaar Skwigelf.

"My main problem with dating apps is I'm pitching a product I really don't believe in."    — Ginny Hogan.

"Dating in your 30's is rough: you're just waiting for the good ones to get divorced."

"Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man."    — Joubert.

"He said 'Communication is key' then communicated with 20 other women."    — @Noorthevirgo.

"My husband doesn't like it when I call him my ex-boyfriend."

"If you're not happy with your life right now, just remember there's someone meeting your ex thinking they found someone special."

"Dad walked me down the aisle to marry my third husband. He looked at me and said: 'I keep giving you away and they keep giving you back'."    — gmamarcie7x.

"Years ago I got married because I needed more alone time."    — @realHamOnWry.

"Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly."    — Voltaire (1694-1778).

"Charles Darwin once made a list of the pros and cons for marriage, the pros included: 'constant companion and a friend in old age better than a dog anyhow'. The cons: 'less money for books' and 'terrible loss of time'."

"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations — we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."    — Rodney Dangerfield..

"Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time."    — Laura Marie.

"My wife's superpower is observing when I'm happy and putting an end to that nonsense."    — @ZingHurler.

"It isn't premarital sex if you never get married."

"My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me."

"Marriage is learning about women the hard way."

"Marriage: on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don't."

"Marriage: betting someone half your money that you'll love them forever."

"Getting married before the age of 25 sounds a lot like leaving a party before 10pm to me."

"My wife and I have been married for over 50 years and I can still make her scream my name in bed. I just fart and pull the covers up over her head."

"The only way I'm coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do."

"Stop asking why I'm single. I don't ask how you're still married..."

"I'm single by choice. Just not my choice..."

"Marriage is like a deck of cards: In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a fucking club and a spade."

"Marriage is one of the toughest jobs in the world. You're always worried you'll come in some day and find some temp doing your job, or even worse... you've been replaced by a machine."

"In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems."    — Shelley Winters..

"I decided not to take my company up on that life insurance offer. My wife has incentive enough as it is."    — Tidewater Joe..

"Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it."    — Peggy Joyce.

"A light wife doth make a heavy husband."    — Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice.

"Marriage /n/ The moment in life when parents go from discouraging you from having unprotected sex to insisting that you have unprotected sex."    — Smbc.

"I'm a serial bigamist."    — Russ Meyer about his third wedding.

"So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response."

"I like how millions of Americans love to watch marriage turned into a game show and still believe there is something sacred about it."

"Marriage is hard. Marriage is so hard Nelson Madela got a divorce. Nelson Madela spent 27 years in a south african prison getting tortured and beaten everyday of his life for 27 straight years. He got out of jail, spent 6 months with his wife and said 'I can't take this shit !'."

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bycicle repair kit."    — Billy Conolly.

"I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying 'til I get it right."    — Richard Pryor.

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'."

"The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb."

"Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life."

"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before ?!?"

"Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred."

"The only thing wrong with marriage is that one of the persons involved is a man."    — Kiss singer Gene Simmons.

"4 steps to a happy marriage:
1. It is important to find a man that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a man that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a man that likes to have great sex.
4. It is very, very, very important that these three men never meet."

"Marriage /n/ long term financing on a piece of ass."

"Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs."

"Marriage is like buying a car. It's better to lease them and get a new one next year."    — Ackbar.

"There's only two things about me that my wife doesn't care for:
1) everything I say, and
2) everything I do."

"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."

"When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else."    — David Pryce-Jones.

"'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor."    — Samuel Butler.

"Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ?
A: Because they want to."

"Optimist /n./ Someone who goes down to the marriage bureau to see if his license has expired."

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once."

"Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing."

"— Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?
— I don't know son, I'm still paying".

"— Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?
— That happens in every country, son."

"They say that breaking up is hard to do — but it's much easier with a restraining order and a rotweiler."    — Dakota Shepard.

"The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a chance to prove it."

"Marriage is an institution — but who wants to live in one ?"

"I can't mate in captivity."    — Gloria Steinem on why she has never married.

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

"Joining a nudist colony saved our marriage. Once there, we learned to air our differences."    — Little Dockery.

"It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it."

"The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships... is you."

"My last relationship was like forest gump, she was a whore and I was a retard."

"I used to think that there was no greater pain than losing the woman you love. All of that changed, however, when I got kicked in the groin."    — Dan Montalto.

"Personally I know nothing about sex because I have always been married."    — Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."    — Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

"It is a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as he can."    — George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950), Irish dramatist and critic.

"For others who may not know this: when the preacher says, 'You may now kiss the bride', he's only speaking to the groom."    — David Gunter.

"It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be."    — Brigitte Bardot.

"If you don't beat your wife every three days, she'll start tearing up roof tiles."    — Chinese saying.

"Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."

"The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, and sixth years."

"If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws."

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."    — Steven Seagal.

"Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much...
...Monogamy ? It's the same."    — Oscar Wilde.

"Monogamy /n/ Belief so strong that millions of people end perfectly good relationships in order to start another."

"A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy."

"Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters are written in prose."    — Beverley Nichols.

"Well I don't see why I have to make one man miserable when I can make so many men happy."    — Ellyn Mustard, about marriage.

"It's nice that we've been married for a year now, but I do kind of miss that 'new wife' smell."    — Bob Van Voris.

"Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can get you shot."

"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener !"

"My husband and I married for better or worse — He couldn't do better and I couldn't do worse."

"You never truly know a woman 'til you meet her in court."

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."    — Agatha Christie (1891—1976), British detective-story writer.

"For others who may not know this: When the preacher says 'You may now kiss the bride', he's only speaking to the groom."    — David Gunter.

"Life is a bitch, then you marry one."

"The most common form of marriage proposal: 'YOU'RE WHAT !?'"

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."    — Mignon McLaughlin.

"A successful husband is one who can earn more money than his wife can spend; A successful wife is one who can find such a husband."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."    — Rodney Dangerfield.

"I've had so many wives, I can't remember all their names. To keep it simple, I just called them all 'Plaintiff'."    — Lewis Grizzard.

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished."    — Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry."    — Brendan Behan (1923-64) Irish playwright.

"Ah, yes, 'divorce'. From the Latin for 'having your genitals torn off through your wallet'."    — Robin Williams.

"90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife."    — SuperKing.

"If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you can't afford divorce."    — Jack Nicholson.

"A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife."

"My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog."

"Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy ?
A: Two Mother-in-law."

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel !"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"How do most men define marriage ?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free."

"I've been married about 10 years now, but the wind chill makes it feel more like 50."    — SkyWalker.

"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."

"Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."    — George Burns.

"Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution."    — Bertrand Russell (1872—1970), British philosopher, Marriage and Morals.

"Q: How do most men define marriage ?
"A: A very expensive way to get your laundry done free."

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."

"If diamonds are forever, why do you have to buy a new one every friggin' anniversary ?"    — Josh Forman.

"Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they be married too."    — H. L. Mencken.

"In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems."    — Matt Sullivan.

"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that."

"If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books."    — Alan King.

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."    — Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"My toughest fight was with my first wife."    — Muhammad Ali.

"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success."    — Jim Backus.

"It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !"    — Emperor Akbar the Great of India (1542—1605) who had 300 wives and 5000 concubines.

"Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage."    — Benjamin Franklin (1706—1790)

"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."    — Professor Irwin Corey.

"Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up."    — Evelyn Hendrickson.

"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers."    — Richard Pryor.

"Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them."    — Sydney Smith.

"Adam & Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married... and she didn't have to hear about how well his Mother cooked."

"Dicker /v./ What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work."

"Many men owe their success to their first wife... and their second wife to their success."    — Jim Backus.

"My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely."    — Rodney Dangerfield.

"My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two hours and I was faithful to her the whole time."    — Jonathan Katz.

"Terrorism? I don't give a fuck: I've been married 2 years."    — Sam Kinison.

"I think that men who have a pierced ear are better prepared to be married: they are already acquainted with pain and have already bought jewels."    — Rita Rudner.

"Q: What food sucks 80% of the sex drive from a woman ?
A: The wedding cake."

"They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death."

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."    — Socrates.

"It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else."    — Will Rogers.

"Do married people watch gen Z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of 'Nam ?"    — @lolennui.

"Q: What's A wife ?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done."

"Do you cheat on your wife ?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Who else ?" answered the patient.

"I still miss my Ex, But my aim is getting better."    — Bumper sticker.

"It is so hot outside I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady."

"A fart is just a turd honking for right-of-way."

"Sex is the lube that makes going through singlehood bearable."    — River.

• A fart just isn't a fart unless there's someone around to complain about it.
• All ogling must be done on the sly — which leads to healthier eye muscles!
• All that money you save on hookers and blow.
• Avoid the stress of wondering if your underwear is clean.
• Finally, a break from the frenzied sexual exhaustion of singlehood!
• No more trying to remember her name in the morning (theoretically).
• Play your cards right and sooner or later you'll get laid.
• THEY'RE NOT! I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU HEARD THAT, BUT IT'S NOT TRUE! I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU PEOPLE GET THESE STUPID IDEAS!
• Twice the Prozac lying around the house.
• Wedding bouquet rituals are transformed from an obligation to participate into an opportunity for handicapping.
• When you shoot someone in the head, juries tend to be more sympathetic if you're married.
• You can pretend you're humping someone new every night.
• You don't have to worry about having fun.
• A built-in accomplice who cannot be compelled to testify.
• A pair of frigid feet in the small of your back? Ninety-five percent more effective than an alarm clock.
• Knowing you're not getting any tonight is less disappointing than thinking you might get some and not getting it.
• Less morning-after awkwardness.
• Lots of love, no glove.
• No longer have to beg for oral sex, now that there's no point in begging.
• Nothing beats a quiet evening at home with a rental movie and the challenge of trying not to appear too interested in the nude scenes.
• Single people don't know what they're missing; married people do.
• The best things in life are free, but beer and drugs are much cheaper to buy in bulk.
• The comfort of knowing exactly on whom you're cheating.
• There's always someone to blame for your failings.
• Think of the money you save by having someone around who might
• object to all those Spice Channel orders on the cable bill.
• Three months of bliss not worrying about dating. (movie stars only)
• When someone leaves the toilet seat up, you know who did it.
• When you come home mad and spoiling for a fight, you always have a sparring partner.
• You always have an acceptable excuse for taking the stranger you meet at the bar back to *her* place.
• You can perfect the art of ignoring those who annoy you.
• You don't have to remember to leave the money on the nightstand — she'll take it right out of your wallet for you.
• You always know who's going to turn down your requests for sex.
• Single men often face the stressful diplomatic necessity of post-coital conversation.
• The "in sickness and in health" clause includes her cleaning up the bathroom after a night of your binge drinking.
• You rediscover the teenage thrill of possibly getting caught masturbating.
• Aimless angst replaced by focused misery.
• There's someone required by law to listen to you tell the story about that time you were arrested in Mexico every time you feel like telling it.
• No more having to shave your back to get laid.
• Mom's guilt-inducing lectures about not producing grandchildren are much more bearable than Mom's guilt-inducing lectures about screwing strangers at biker bars.
• It's neither fun nor satisfying yelling at *yourself* for buying the wrong kind of friggin' fish sticks.
• Finally! A companion you can trust to help hack up the bodies.
• Your parents can move on to complaining about all the *other* ways in which you aren't living up to their expectations.
• "Oprah" is just that much better when you have someone to share it with.
• Half off admission at swingers' clubs.
• In exchange for sex once a month, the wife gets a spider killer on call, 24/7.
• Relieved of the daily pressures of maintaining good hygiene, you have much more time for watching television.

   — The Top Reasons Married People Are Happier than Single People.

"If your really want your spouse to listen to you, talk in your sleep..."

"Marriage is the only war when you sleep with the enemy."

"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience..."

"During the first year of the wedding, put a quarter in a jar each time you make love. Then during the second year, take a quarter out each time you make love. At the end of the second year go to a good restaurant with what's left..."

Misc

"Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself."    — Potter Stewart.

"My dick led me to places I wouldn't even go with a gun."

"10 - Touching all the bases
9 - Getting a facial
8 - Going for a 30-minute lube job
7 - Ordering the pork
6 - Glazing the donut
5 - Getting a little behind in your work
4 - Buffing the hardwood
3 - Boning the ham
2 - Blowing off your boss
1 - Stiffing the waitress."    — Top 10 Common Activities That Sound Sexy but Aren't.

"I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convenience store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified."    — Locl-Yocl.

"Why do moths fly with their legs apart ?
...have you seen the size of moth balls ?"

"Why does an elephant have four feet ?
...it would look bloody silly with six inches."

"A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed."

"Q: What kind of bees give milk ?
A: Boo bees."

"Without nipples, breasts would be pointless."    — Jody Nathan.

"Stop whining about losing your hot years to Covid. Some of us lost our hot years to not being hot."    — Rhiannon Shaw.

"The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts."    — Conan O'Brien.

"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him..."    — Ripping Yarns.

"In 1272, the welsh invented the condom using a sheep's lower intestine.
In 1873, the english somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first."

"The awkward moment when you realise that the sound of nature is partially just the sound of animals trying to get laid."

"As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept saying 'Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with one of his patients', but another voice kept reminding me, 'Howard, you're a veterinarian'."

"Why do the Scots wear kilts ? Because the sound of zippers scares the shit out of sheep..."

"How does a scotsman find a sheep in tall grass ? Very satisfying."

"Look at it this way — if you came into a country where they had strict laws against molesting livestock, where they preached against it in their churches, where children were strictly warned against the practice, and where the subject caused almost hysterical condemnation it's not because you've run into a country of animal-rights activists. You've come to a country of sheepfuckers."    — Cicada.

"There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats."    — Elton John.

"There's no shortage of pussy — it's just the delivery system that's messed up."    — Dr. Roy V. Schenk.

"Any panties are edible panties if you are Mothman."    — @Dagger_dance.

"I can never decide if I pitied or envied Smurfette, being the only female in a village of men with blue balls."

"So tonight my philosophy professor had these nasty bruises all over her arms and she stopped mid-lecture to say 'sorry you guys have to look at my bruised-up body, my friend brought a stripper pole over for thanksgiving and that shit is not easy. tip your strippers. tip your strippers well' and then immediately kept talking about philosophy."    — deanprincesster.

"When a guy on a date says: 'How are you still single ?', apparently you are not supposed to tell him."    — @JenniferJokes.

"He was tenser than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day."    — Scott Adams.

"Times are tough so once again I will be selling my nudes.
$5 to get one
$25 not to get one."

"Don't mistake 'the affections of a desirable lover' with 'the infections of a rehireable lover'..."

"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea ? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face before..."

"Imagine you have a wife and she's getting drilled by everyone and you can't do shit. But you have the marriage certificate. That's the NFT."

"My mom said she wasn't afraid of me having sex, she said quote: 'No one would want you to fuck them anyway'."    — epix.

"Isn't there any other part of the matzah you can eat ?"    — Marilyn Monroe (1926-1962) on being served matzah ball soup three meals in a row.

"Don't mistake 'A date who's a looker, a shot of booze and my penis willin' with 'A date with a hooker, ooze and a shot of penicillin'..."

"Penis envy /n./ The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long."

"He who asks is a fool for 5 minutes, but he who does not remains a fool forever."    — Chinese Proverb.

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."    — Emo Phillips.

"If you're gonna play something that involves dungeons and you're over 20, it'd better involve gags and leather restraints."    — 4D6963. "It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color."    — Voltaire.

"Of all sexual aberrations, chastity is the strangest."    — Jacques Anatole Thibault.

"Chastity is curable, if detected early."

"The penis mightier than the sword."    — Mark Twain.

"Life is like a dick. When it's soft, you can't beat it. But when it's hard, you get fucked !"    — Written in a women's bathroom.

"Q: What's the best thing about twenty eight year olds ?
A: There's twenty of them..."

"Sometimes I threaten to black male my sister."

"I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat."    — Rebecca West, 1913.

"If a case of the clap spreads is it called 'applause' ?"

"Sorry I took my pants off at your gender reveal party. I thought we were all participating. My bad."

"Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you ?"    — #1 pickup line of all time.

"Just saying 'no' prevents teenage pregnancy the way 'Have a nice day' cures chronic depression."    — Faye Wattleton.

"I degaussed my girlfriend and I'm just not attracted to her anymore."    — William A. Emanuelsen.

"I had an out-of-body experience once. I suddenly felt like such a turd."    — Harrison Cockerill.

"Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer ! Take a look at that purty young lady over thar ! Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners !"

"Freyja — goddess of love, sex, beauty, fertility, gold, war, death, witchcraft and cats. Proof the vikings understood women."

"Sex with 2 people is a threesome, but sex with eight people is tiresome."

"— If you went camping and you got REALLY drunk with your friend and you woke up the next morning with a condom stuck up your ass would you tell anybody ?
— i dont think so
— Wanna go camping ?"

"It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard."    — Dorothy Parker (1893—1967), US writer and wit. On going into hospital for an abortion.

"...One witness told the commissioners that she had seen sexual intercourse taking place between two parked cars in front of her house..."    — The Press (Atlantic City, N.J.), 6/14/79.

"It's bad luck to try the same pickup line twice on the same woman."

"Why am I the only naked person at this gender reveal party ?"

"And no, I'm not the sugar daddy. I'm too broke to even be a Splenda daddy."

"If I wasn't supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl ?"    — Stoned Cold Fox.

"If I wasn't supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl ?"

"Everyone wants a sugar daddy until daddy wants his sugar I think the old saying goes."

"Can you imagine how fucking sexy I'd be if I ate right and took care of my body ? I mean... I'm not going to, but can you imagine ?"

"While redecorating, I realized my wife and I have drastically different tastes in furniture. She wanted to keep only the pieces that reflected the French provincial theme she was creating; I wanted to keep all the stuff we'd had sex on."    — Brad Osberg.

"The cashier said: 'Strip down, facing me'.
By the time I realized she meant the debit card, it was too late."

"Being kissed in your sleep is like the purest form of love, unless you are home alone or in prison."

"Part of me wants to tell my friends about how I had sex all night long last night. The other part, however, thinks it might be better if I just summed it up as 'Prison sucks'."    — Ryan Trifari.

"Upon discovering that your new muscle-bound cellmate is of French descent, I'd advise against any condescendingly snide references to 'us saving your ass'."    — Brad Simanek.

"I studied the Paris Hilton sex tape as if it were the JFK/Zapruder film, but no matter how many times I replayed it frame-by-frame, I swear I saw only one shooter on that grassy knoll."    — Uncle Url.

"My favorite position is the JFK: I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car."

"I'm going to learn yoga. It would certainly make my sex life more interesting *and* I could lick myself clean afterwards."    — Stephanie Thompson.

"My ex once said that he couldn't live without me and I've recently found out that he's still alive.
More lies."

"I refer to all of my ex-girlfriends as my 'aunts' to head off invariably annoying comparison questions from my current girlfriend. She'll ask 'Where did you get that beautiful lamp ?' and I'll say 'Oh, my aunt bought it for me a few years ago'. The system works really well, except for that one discussion about my genital warts."    — Carl Knorr.

"One night after sex I was lazy and left the condom on the floor till morning. Her dog ate it. And her dad found it hanging from the dog's butt the next day."    — WickedClown.

"How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house ? Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time."    — VanJeans.

"Until I really looked at it that way, I never realized my penis looks a lot like a banana — though I wish I had noticed the resemblance before sticking it through a hole in the monkey cage at the zoo."    — Brad Simanek.

"My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. But then the librarian yelled at me to take it out."

"Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex ?
A: They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick."

"Sew one button, doesn't make you a tailor; cook one meal, doesn't make you a chef; but fuck one horse and you're a horse fucker for all of history..."

"I would never fuck an animal unless it was a really good kisser."

"NSFW — What's a popular sexual act or experience that you think is overrated and why ?
— Doggy style. It's awkward and hard on the knees and the dog doesn't seem to enjoy it much."    — From an AskReddit.

"Did you know that pigeons die when they have sex ? At least the one I fucked did."

"When you see a blonde with great tits and a great ass, you say to yourself, 'Hey, she must be stupid or must have nothing else to offer', which maybe is the case many times. But then again there is the one that is as smart as her breasts look, great as her face looks... so people are shocked."    — Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I recently read that Arnold Schwarzenegger collects Hummers. Now we know why Maria's face is frozen in that puckered position."    — Brad Wilkerson.

"If a lad remembers the color of your eyes after the first date... you've got small tits."

"Why is it called boob sweat and not humititties ?"

"All my friends complain about how small their boobs are and I'm over here like 'take some of mine'."

"If your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra."

"Just a reminder that mammogramming your boobs is more important than Instagramming them."

"So, my neighbor with the big titties is outside gardening topless today... Just wish his wife would do the same."

"Two tits and an ass can pull more than a mule."    — Saying from Cuba.

"If you're gonna ride my ass, at least pull my hair."    — Bumper sticker.

"Flat girls hold you closer to their hearts."

"I sexually identify as a microwave dinner, because I am ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I'm just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you're desperate."    — S.M. Phoenix.

"I bet that the best thing about being a hermaphrodite is that you always get to use the bathroom with the shortest line."    — Brad Wilkerson.

"Familiarity breeds contempt, but without a little familiarity it's impossible to breed anything."    — Noel Coward.

"Once you've googled every single guy whose last name you remember that you slept with, the internet sorta becomes a useless tool."    — From Craig's list.

"I think my girlfriend is having cybersex with a guy she met online. I'm really pissed off, but more so because she could have the decency to bang him in a hotel room the cuckold-fashioned way."    — Brad Simanek.

"Let's go back to meeting on-line. You're much better looking there."

"I had a dream that Britney Spears rubbed her breasts in my face and Jennifer Lopez gave me head while Salma Hayek sucked my toes and the Olsen twins videotaped everything. I would have kept dreaming it, too, if I hadn't set off the smoke detector."    — Tristan Fabriani.

"I tried wrestling my demons but it only turned me on."

"Q: How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out."    — timovgod.

"Our teeth grated and my nipples went spung."    — A character in Robert A. Heinlein's The Number of the Beast.

"When the guys laugh at me for volunteering at the women's mental health clinic I just shrug it off. But when they tell me I'm fucking nuts, I have to smile, because then I know they understand."    — J. Murphy.

"An egg is the unluckiest danged thing in all creation: it only gets laid once, it only gets eaten once, it takes eleven minutes to get hard, it comes in a box with eleven other guys, and the only one who ever sits on its face is its mom."

"People say to me, 'Danielle, you're such a wonderful person. Why are you single ?' How the hell do I know ? Why don't you ask the people who aren't dating me ?!?"    — Danielle Henderson.

"Done with dating sites. I'm now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza."    — @PiratedTweet.

"I have come across so many of the same people on dating apps over the years I've started to see them as coworkers."    — Anne Sundell.

"At 72, I'm still the Latin Lover. What am I ? A fairground freak ?'"    — Marcello Mastroianni.

"It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up."    — Joan Rivers.

"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes she's a tramp."    — Joan Rivers.

"Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal)."

"Communists do it without class."

"Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears."

"Ribbed condoms don't even taste like ribs..."

"I'm a children's book illustrator. I don't do it for a living, though — it's just a hobby. On weekends, I go down to the library with a Magic Marker and draw filthy pictures in the margins."    — Anthony Myers.

"An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card."    — Alex comfort.

"The angle of the dangle is equally proportional to the heat of the meat provided that the urge to surge remains constant."

"A faery gave me a wish: I could either have a perfect memory or a huge penis... I can't remember my decision."

"Subway says their six-foot sub serves twenty to twenty-five people, which sounds like advertising bogus to me. I'm a six-foot sub and I'm pretty sure I'd be exhausted after, like, a dozen at most."    — Nytwind.

"— How did you get hurt ?
Let's just say if you're dating a dominatrix, never say 'it's time to hit the sack'."

"The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit."    — Nytwind.

"Please help: my biology teacher asked what's the opposite of 'dominant' and I confidently answered 'submissive' to the whole class."    — asteriek.

"Jean is submissive and genes are recessive. Which one is more fun ?"

"The brain is viewed as an appendage of the genital glands."    — Carl Jung.

"Apparently one can temporarily sterilize oneself by heating one's organs in boiling water."    — Anonymous British Teenager.

"Like the ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem."    — Alan McKay.

"A girl with a future avoids the man with a past."    — Evan Esar.

"Too much of a good thing is wonderful !"    — Mae West.

"For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time."    — Isabel Allende.

"We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition."    — Alex Comfort.

"When choosing between two evils, I always try to choose the one I haven't tried before."    — Mae West.

"'cute'=fat, 'stud'=small penis, 'kitten'=usually over 50 yrs old, 'sexy'=desperate, 'girl' or 'gal'=usually over 40 yrs old, 'cuddly'=exceptionally overweight, 'hot'=lousy in bed, 'wet'=incontinent, 'boy'=still a virgin at 30, 'single'=married but horny, 'hard'=on viagra, 'divorced'=will be if his wife finds out."    — FyreStorm.

"I have no idea what a freudian slit is and at this point I'm too afraid to ass."

"I had a dream last night that I walked into my college cafeteria and discovered one of the workers having sex with a scrambled-egg-and-sausage breakfast burrito. I'm sure this dream has a Freudian meaning, but I think it may be in my best interest not to figure out what it is."    — Rabbi Crut.

"On the topic of sexual deviancy, I've just come to the realization that there are women out there who are willing to have sex with dogs but there are none that want to have sex with me... Sob..."

"I hate it when the dog sneaks into the bedroom while my girlfriend and I are having sex. Inevitably, he'll start licking his balls right there in front of us. It's just his way of rubbing my nose in the fact that he can have as much fun as me without first having to buy someone an expensive dinner."    — Brad Osberg.

"Embarrassment /n./ Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap."

"They say that dog is man's best friend, and I think it's true. My dog does a lot of the same stuff my best friend does, like drool on my couch, mooch my food and hump my wife."    — Brad Wilkerson.

"I can always tell when my dog has been in the cat box again because he'll amble into the room with a big shit-eating grin."    — Brad Simanek.

"Some chicks absolutely love to give head; I call that type 'vampires'. Others get turned on by doing it doggy style; I like to call them 'Snoopies'. And then there are those who don't seem to like ANY kind of sex; I call that type 'my girlfriend'."    — Mike Ranston.

"Doggy style means you get a treat afterwards, right ?"

"Ladies, when it comes to doggy style, we are behind you 100%."    — Sincerely, men.

"I thought doggy style was kissing while eating spaghetti you guys are fucking gross."

"The Ugly Duckling is the heartwarming tale of how everything works out okay as long as you eventually get hot."    — Andrew Nadeau.

"My girlfriend must be pretty impressed with my member, because every night she covers it in relish. That's quite a condiment, huh ?"    — Dennis Hoerig.

"I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce."    — J. Edgar Hoover.

"If Pee Wee Herman went to jail for jerking off in a public place, it's a good thing I've never been caught, 'cause I'm pretty sure I'd get the electric chair."    — Chip Wade.

"When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them."    — Senator and astronaut John Glenn.

"I have brains and a uterus, and I use both."    — Pat Schroeder.

"Callgirl /n./ A negotiable blond."

"Clitoris /n./ A haired trigger."

"Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. What's next ? Bridal suites with bunk beds ?"

"Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing."    — Charles Bukowski.

"My grandmother died while having sex. I still cry every time I watch the video."

"I get girls because of who I am... a rapist."

"I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway."    — NPR.

"There's nothing quite as priceless as the look on a teenage cashier's face as she rings up wine, cheese, bread, and chats aimiably with you, and then rings up a cucumber, and a box of condoms and gets suddenly quiet..."    — TiGryphon.

"The only difference between a good meal and a good time is where you put the cucumber."

"You know when you feel like you have to defecate, but when you get to the commode, it turns out to be merely flatulence, then you return to what you were doing before, and the feeling that you need to defecate returns, and you figure it's just flatulence, but it turns out that it isn't? Man, I hate that!"    — Hawk.

"With all the spam we get for penis-enlargement pills, you'd think by now someone would have invented a pill that would shrink vaginas instead."    — Kim Moser.

"I wouldn't mind those hundreds of penis enlargement messages that show up in my in box every day if it weren't for the fact that they're all sent by my girlfriend."    — Tristan Fabriani.

"The penis-enlarging pills my boyfriend bought online must be working. At this point, he's a bigger dick than he was a few months ago."    — Lucy Ratcliff.

"If you happen to be out of, er, 'personal lubricant' when things are getting hot and heavy, do not attempt to improvise with egg white. It whips into meringue, and things just get weird from there."

"I'm thinking of marketing a penis-enlarging lubricant, but that would just make me a snake-oil salesman."    — Kim Moser.

"A friend of mine recently had a nose job and penis enlargement surgery the same day. Something must have gone wrong, because I saw him today and he looked like an angry anteater."    — Jerry L. Embry.

"I've decided to donate my body to science. That way, I'll be able to look forward to one day having my penis thrown around the classroom by mischievous female med school students."    — Ken Prentice.

"Is there a difference between men and women ? Yes, a vas deferens..."

"Oddly enough, my son's teacher wasn't too happy when he brought 'Daddy's enormous penis' for show and tell."    — Nick Ehart.

"The agony of having spilled acid down my pants was quickly tempered by the breathtaking, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to watch a penis melt."    — Mike Rampton.

"Sure, you can piss on your frozen car lock in an emergency — but nobody mentions that having your penis stuck to a car door is worse than having your tongue stuck to a metal pole."    — Tooter Day.

"One day I was slicing an apple when I accidentally cut off my husband's penis. That's my story and I'm sticking to it."    — Anna Williams.

"Don't ever depend on Lorena Bobbitt for anything. She'll run off with the goods and leave you holding the bag."    — Chester Ingraham.

"My doctor told me my sperm count was low. I made him do a hand recount just to be sure."    — Anderson Reggio.

"Now why the hell would I want to increase the volume of my ejaculation ? They can already hear me in the apartment next door."    — Tristan Fabriani.

"My husband asked me to talk dirty to him during sex. I told him to go fuck himself."    — Stephanie S. Thompson.

"I sexually identify as a brick. I'm always hard and I've been laid only once."

"'Strap on' spelt backwards is 'no parts'."

"Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt."

"VD /n./ The gift that keeps on giving."

"Don't think this has taught me a lesson !"    — Tallulah Bankhead (1902-1968) after almost dying during surgery due to VD.

"I have found a sure-fire way to win any argument with my girlfriend. It's simple: I say, 'I'll do anything you want, just take your fingernails out of my penis'!"    — Kris.

"If Godzilla has a penis, I bet it's large, green and covered with scales. Come to think of it, that pretty much describes Ron Jeremy's penis, too."    — Tim H. Richweis.

"I only take viagra when I am with more than one woman."    — Jack Nicholson.

"Okay, so the Viagra my boyfriend took was still having an effect hours later — does that give him the right to go running to the emergency room asking to see the head nurse ?"    — Donna Ayers.

"There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them."    — myliw0rk.

"The Levitra ads say: 'Although a rare occurrence with Levitra, men who experience an erection for more than four hours should call their physician'. Hell, if I got a woody that lasted half the night, I'd call everyone else I know, too."    — David Spiro.

"Make sure your Viagra says 'Made in the USA', because you don't want Russia meddling in your erections."

"It's time to ban Viagra. Because if pregnancy is 'God's will', then so is limp dick."

"Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No Hard Feelings'."

"I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government — I'd give it all up for one erection."    — Groucho Marx.

"Impotent loser: Someone who can't even get his hopes up."

"I don't understand why women get upset when you compare them to one of the monkeys from Planet of the Apes, even one of the heroic ones, like Dr. Zera."    — David James.

"Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes — and with the brassiere, Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped."    — Alan Sherman, 'The Rape of the A*P*E*'.

"Bras are measured in cups 'cause titties have milk in them."

"The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them be good at taking orders."    — Linda Festa.

"Learn from you parents' mistakes — use birth control."    — Bumper sticker.

"Her: you wanna go upstairs ?
Me: Sure...
Her: You got protection ?
Me: W-why, what's up there ?"

"Captain Hook died of jock itch."

"No, honey, I've never been circumcised; it's simply wear and tear."

"What do you call a cheap circumcision ? A rip-off..."

"Uncircumcised ? Hey, at least you have one hoodie she can't steal."

"Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper."

"Happiness /n./ Finding the owner of a lost bikini."

"Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body. But men are so classy that they only look at the 10% that is covered."

"A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It protects the property without obstructing the view."    — Joey Adams.

"Herpes: The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive. Much better."

"The one who snores will fall asleep first."

"I'm a man trapped in a woman's body. Never keep the lube and the glue in the same drawer."

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."    — Erma Bombeck.

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."    — Rita Rudner.

"If hand creams soothe hands and face creams soothe faces, why isn't whipped cream doing anything for all of those bleeding lacerations on my back ?"    —  John Gephart IV.

"If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies."    — Fran Lebowitz.

"I turned in my friend after he told me he was going to blow himself up. The police caught him red-handed, with the pump right between his legs."    — Chester Ingraham.

"When God created man and woman, he did not take a patent. That's why any imbecile has been able to do so ever since."    — G. B. Shaw.

"Whenever my teenage daughter comes down the stairs dressed like a tramp for her date, I think to myself: 'Damn, why won't her mother wear something like that ?' "    — Dave Henry.

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."    — Wendy Liebman.

"I'm a brunette at MIT in an era that worships housewives and blondes."    — Jennifer Connelly as Alicia Nash in a deleted scene from "A Beautiful Mind".

"Nothing can burst your fatherly bubble faster than hearing your daughter come home from a date and saying: 'Some nights I don't know why I even bother to wear panties'."    — Dave Henry.

"Whenever I have a birthday, I think back over the past year, how I've spent my time, what I've accomplished, what regrets I have, how I've tried to make the world a better place, and what exactly I've been doing with my life over the past 365 days, and I think to myself: 'Man, I wish I'd gotten laid more'."    — R.M. Weiner.

"Airman facing rape charges after being booked in Middlesex for sex with middle school girl he met on Facebook."    — Fark headline.

"The PR work TV has done for cops is wild. SVU would have you believe there's a dedicated team of professionals committed to investigating every rape and not just two dudes with punisher tattoos being like 'sounds like a misunderstanding'."    — Robby Slowik.

"My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex... I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came."    — Bob Kostic.

"You ever get laid in a sleeping bad ? It's aweful. You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat, and your scout master is covering your mouth."

"I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I'm about to get intimate with a girl. Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray ?"

"So apparently the rape advice hotline is for victims..."

"Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. Then she noticed me so we went for a run."

"What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy ? Gang Rape."

"No ma'am, a gangbang is not proof you can work as part of a team."

"I keep seeing billboards that say: 'Pork the Other White Meat'. Okay, but I don't think I'd want to eat it after that."    — Gary Timm.

"Communion is a Christian sacrament that represents the other time a priest might ask you to kneel down and accept a piece of someone's body on your tongue."

"It's important to wash your sextoys. That's why priests invented baptism."

"When I was an altar boy, my priest said he liked me because I had a lot of spunk. Until I saw all the media coverage the last year or so, I wasn't sure what he meant."    — Danny Gallagher.

"My girlfriend loves to express her devotion to me physically, and I can appreciate that, but I really wish she'd come up with another way of doing it than grabbing my nuts and screaming: 'These belong to ME!!!'"    — Mystic7.

"I drank Snapple for the first time yesterday, because their slogan is: 'Made from the best stuff on earth'. Man, what a let down! It tasted nothing like pussy and beer!"    — Chun Kee Ho.

"I will not lie to you: I'm interested in seeing every single one of you naked. Some of you, for sexual reasons. All of you, just out of curiosity."

"The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M."    — Charles Pierce.

"Don't have children: they deform women's bodies and turn into an enemy 20 years later."    — Marquis de Sade.

"Saying 'Let's still be friends' after a bad breakup is like saying 'The dog died, but we can still keep it'."

"Hey girl, are you a fitted sheet ? Because you're complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on my mattress."

"Turns out 'If you were a fart,I'd clench my cheeks so hard just to never let you go' isn't a good pick up line. I know that now."

"Give me libertines or give me meth."

"They say Christmas is best spent with the ones you love. That's why every year I go home to Mom's and sit in the backyard thinking of all the men I have ever loved. It's the perfect spot, 'cause that's where I bury them."    — Lili VonSchtupp.

"Say what you want about that first beer, but nothing really brings a father and son together like dumping a dead whore down a well."    — Wes Nessmann.

"Women are like wine: I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak."    — Brad Wilkerson.

"Yeah, I am a 5, and yeah I have sex with a lot of people, but that doesn't mean my bar is low enough for you."

"Fuck with me and you fuck with the whole trailer park."    — Bumper sticker.

"I am a man of few words and a thousand obscene gestures."

"As an enlisted sailor, I don't feel that the Navy is advancing me in rank fast enough, so I'm going to change my last name to Stains. My guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me as Seaman Stains."    — Brad Wilkerson.

"Coitus interruptus /n./ A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner): 'I want to have your child'."

"My ex-boyfriend thinks I miss him, but I don't miss him, I miss his dick. Unfortunately, there's no way to separate the two... legally."    — Jenn McNanna.

"Sure you can get Aids from a mosquito — if you have unprotected sex with one !"

"I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump."

"All I ask of Thee, Lord, is to be a drinker and fornicator, an unbeliever and a sodomite and then to die."    — Claude de Chauvigny.

"To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals."    — Don Schrader.

"Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea."    — John Ciardi (1916-1986).

"The reproduction of mankind is a great marvel and mystery. Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them out of clay."    — Martin Luther.

"Those who have prophesied dreadful consequences as a result of the greater sexual freedom which the young assert — unwanted babies, venereal disease and so on — are usually the very same people who seek the fulfillment of their prophecies by opposing the free availability to the young of contraception and the removal of the stigma and mystification that surround venereal disease."    — Colin Ward, Anarchy in Action.

"Dial 911. Make a cop come."

"Looks like all those years of phone sex caught up with me... I have hearing AIDS."

"One more drink and I'll be under the host."    — Dorothy Parker.

"I'm the person your mother warned you about."    — Seen on a T-shirt.

"The guys who write dialog for dirty movies must be the same guys who write the safety lectures given by flight attendants. In both cases, I'm staring at the women and not listening at all while hoping they'll get naughty soon."    — James Knowles.

"If you look for sex on the internet you are getting into legal trouble, and if you look for legal advice on the internet you are going to get fucked."

"Next time you're feeling down remember life is all about perspective. I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every Day he complains about how much he hates prison."

"After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 20 years. But after I got out of prison I realized it was totally worth it."

"People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else."

"You can't spell advertisements without some semen between the tits."

"Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on."

"Inappropriate use of a titanium penile ring: An interdisciplinary challenge for urologists, jewelers, and locksmiths."    — Best science publication title ever.

"Corporate America recreation preferences:
 1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.
 2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.
 3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.
 4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.
 5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.
Conclusion:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls..."

"You're so far out of my league it's basically beastiality on your part."

"If you're into bestiality, I recommend deer, because you get the most bang for your buck."    — Kim Moser.

"The latest breakthrough in single-ply toilet paper ? My index finger."    — Rob Bodine.

"I read a story Thursday about things you shouldn't buy used, such as child car seats, plasma TVs and vacuum cleaners. Good advice, but condoms and toilet paper would have been at the top of my list."    — Gary Timm.

"Ensure your next erection is in safe hands."    — From a yellow pages add in the 'scaffolding' section.

"I just got another 'make your penis larger for $20.00' email. I already spent $140 and now when I get excited I fall over forward... the only good thing is the kickstand effect."    — Breach.

"Tapping melons with your knuckles is a good way of making your selection in the store, but apparently it's frowned upon at the strip club."    — Brad Wilkerson.

"— Mommy ? Does Barbie come with Ken ?
No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."

"Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave surge through it. I probably should have told her about the new electric fence."

"I never try to pronounce an 'L' so hard as when I ask the Home Depot guys where I can find some 'caulk'."    — xeplusplus.

"One night when I was a bartender, I gave a female customer sex on the beach, a screaming orgasm, slippery nipples and a pulsating cock. Unfortunately, the fact that the last one isn't a mixed drink got me fired."    — Tim H. Richweis.

"Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."    — George Burns.

"Hospitals just keep getting worse. Nowadays, you go into the emergency room with a possible heart attack and you find yourself stuck behind 70-year-old farts with three-day-old hard-ons."    — Fanny Bright.

"I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth."    — Chico Marx.

"It's ok to kiss a nun, you just can't get into the habit."

"Kissing is no more than sucking on one end of a tube, the other end which is the anus."    — Bill Giles.

"Girls say they like a sensitive man, but then they complain about my premature ejaculation."    — Tom Sims.

"He came so fast our sex tape would be a Vine."

"Why do they call it 'ejacuLATE' when for most guys, it's actually early ?"    — Kim Moser.

"Add 'Come early on your first day' to that list of career advice that doesn't apply in the porn business."    — Travis Ruetenik.

"I think wet dreams are actually God giving you a handjob for being so good."    — StuGhattz.

"'Give it to me!' she yelled, 'I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!'
She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella."

"What happens when an android has sex ?
He nuts and bolts."

"Before going mountain-bike riding, it's a good idea to leave your valuables at home. Your testicles, for example."    — John Dockery.

"You're bald your whole life. You have a hole in your head. Your neighbors are nuts. The guy behind you is an asshole. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint."    — Five Reasons Not to Be a Penis.

"Put sand in your vagina so that your crabs will feel at home..."

"A guy goes to a 5$ lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says: 'Hey, it was only 5$. What did you expect ? Lobster ?'."

"My wife had a dream in which she was getting banged by Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Matt Damon all at once, while Don Cheadle and I were playing poker across the room. So I'm cool enough to be hanging with Ocean's 11 — how sweet is that ?"    — Sib Mandrake.

"In our digs near Cairo, we came upon an ancient tampon. But so far, none of the archeologists have been able to tell what period it came from."    — Harrison Cockerill.

"How can you tell when a redneck is on her period? She is only wearing one sock."

"A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade... She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend."

"Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning."

"Confucius say: man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy."

"Panties aren't the best thing on earth, but next to it."

"I'm hung like Einstein and smart as a horse."    — Helmet Sticker.

"My friend lost 5 inches on the Slim Fast plan. Now he has no penis at all."    — Rob Munda.

"Practice safe sex: go fuck yourself."    — Helmet Sticker.

"Do the words sex and travel mean anything to you ? Good: FUCK-OFF !"

"A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, 'Well, I guess we answered that question'..."

"Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife."

"Apparently, it's rude to poke someone in the forehead and say 'Skip Intro' when they start talking to you."

"It was a joke, it was a good joke, and if our sense of humour has to be politically correct just like everything else in our lives, then stop the planet: I'd like to get off."    — Dimator.

"Il tempo e il culo delle donne fanno sempre a modo loro."    — Proverbio Val d'Aosta.

"Vent'anni e il culo sodo durano poco."    — Proverbio di Roma.

"Chi col dito il cul si netta
tosto in bocca se lo metta,
e cosi resta pulito
carta, culo, bocca e dito."

"Se Rosa, presa da improvvisa luce,
la sera in cui fu concepito il Duce,
avesse dato al fabbro predappiano
invece della sorca il deretano,
l'avrebbe preso in culo quella sera
Rosa soltanto e non l'Italia intera."    — 1882, sera d'ottobre — concernente il concepimento di Mussolini.

"E' meglio un culo sano che cento fiche rotte."    — Proverbio Goliardico.

"Amare e non essere amato e come pulirsi il culo senza aver cacato."    — Anonimo toscano.