"Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself." — Potter Stewart.
The following are humorous (and sometimes serious too) quotes gathered from the Web, Usenet's personal .sig and other sources (in particular the excellent and original Top5 mailing list). Since it's all a big rip-off, I am assuming no copyright whatsoever. I don't even guarantee that they are accurate. Now that you've been warned, enjoy.
"Love is an evil trick that nature plays on people to get them to breed."
"One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved." — Romain Roland (1866-1944), french writer and Nobel prize winner.
"Q: Do you love me ?
A: What do you think ? That I'm doing pushups ?"
"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question ?" — Lily Tomlin.
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." — Woody Allen.
"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." — Franklin P. Jones.
"Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage." — Dr. Karl Bowman.
"Love is like a fart: if you have to force it, it's probably shit."
"Of course I love you... I left you, didn't I ?"
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses." — Lord Dewar.
"Love is being stupid together." — Paul Valery (1871—1945).
"Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock." — John Barrymore.
"Love is just extroverted narcissism."
"There is love without sex.
There is sex without love.
And then there is you, without either."
"Some people play hard to get... I play hard to want."
"I only ever thought there were two kinds of love: the kind that you would kill for and the kind that you would die for. But you, my darling, you were the kind of love I would live for." — O.G.K.
"The Bible and the Quran both tell us to love one another. The Kama Sutra is a little more specific."
"Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled." — Harlan Ellison.
"Considering all the evil that exists in the world, the fact that all of religion's condemnation is focused on expressing disapproval of two people loving each other proves just how evil religion is." — Jan deBoer.
"Never trust a man who lets his god tell him how to fuck."
"It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all."
"It's not you, it's me, because *I* have finally realized you are a piece of shit."
"Le plus beau vêtement qui puisse habiller une femme, ce sont les bras de l'homme qu'elle aime. Mais, pour celles qui n'ont pas eu la chance de trouver ce bonheur, je suis là." — Yves Saint Laurent.
"The best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one !"
"In life, finding the right pearl requires one to open many bad clams."
"When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags."
"Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another." — H. L. Mencken (1880—1956).
"Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies." — John Donne.
"MAKE LOVE NOT WAR (see driver for details)" — Bumper sticker.
"Finding true love is really nothing more than matching your personal with either the same or a complimentary crazy in someone else. Wearing your crazy on the first date is risky, but reduces wasted time on those who are incompatible with your personal brand of insanity." — Overzeetop.
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." — Anonymous.
"I just want to make enough money for a girl to love me for who I am." — Bill Beteet.
"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
"Love: Two minds without a single thought." — Philip Barry.
"How can I love you if you won't lie down ?"
"Why isn't there some cheap and easy way to prove how much she means to me ?"
"Who would give a law to lovers ? Love is unto itself a higher law." — Boethius (524CE).
"Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin — it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring." — S. J. Perelman.
"Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds." — Johnny Rotten.
"There's no such thing as love. Only proofs of love."
"As my grandfather used to say: 'If we all liked the same thing, the world would be after your grandma'."
"A woman in lust wants chocolate. A woman in love wants diamonds." — From the movie How to lose a guy in 10 days.
"Where does the family start ? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl — no superior alternative has yet been found." — Winston Churchill.
"I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I haven't had time for tobacco since." — Arturo Toscanini.
"I own my own body, but I share."
"Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled."
"A girl dreams about a bad boy who is gentle only for her. A boy wants a good girl who is naughty only for him."
"You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back inside." — Heathcote Williams.
"My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends."
"If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without no middleman." — Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody".
"Some say: 'Love means never having to say you're sorry'. To me, love means never having to hear: 'Where's my friggin' rent, you lazy bastard ?!' in the first place." — John Crocker.
"Never let a kiss fool you, and never let a fool kiss you."
"He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now."
"The love triangle soon turned into a wrecktangle."
"One good thing about internet dating: you're guaranteed to click with whomever you meet." — Mongo.
Sometimes you meet someone and you know from the very first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them."
"In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the other really likes." — Elizabeth Ashley.
"I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate — but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza." — Alf Whit.
"My father started to give me the 'Why don't you find a soulmate ?' speech again the other night. I told him he's been watching too many eHarmony.com commercials. There's no such thing as a soulmate, just an I-tolerate-your crap-because-I-can't-do-any-better-mate." — Jenn McNanna.
"Before I fuck my girlfriend on the hood of my car, I always run the engine for a few minutes to warm it up — because that's the kind of thing you do when you care." — Brad Osberg.
"Trying to describe an orgasm is like trying to describe being in love — you can't do it yet you know exactly what it feels like." — Anonymous.
"Writing is like making love. Don't worry about the orgasm, just concentrate on the process." — Isabel Allende.
"When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants."
"— If I made love to you, would you yell ?"
"— What do you want me to yell ?" — Benny Hill.
"If the universe has any purpose more important then topping a woman you love and making a baby with her hearty help, I have never heard of it." — Lazarus Long.
"Lovers, like bees, lead a honey-sweet life." — Graffiti on a wall of Pompeii.
"Holidays in Amsterdam: have sex and get stoned. Holiday in Saudi Arabia: have sex and get stoned."
"Never sign a valentine with your own name." — Charles Dickens (1812—70), British novelist.
"Valentine's day is in five days, so if you are secretely in love with me I suggest you reveal it now." — Miecroft.
"If you are sad about being alone on Valentine's day, just remember nobody loves you any other day of the year either."
"See, i'm fully willing to honour 'Valentines day' as long as the female in question honours 'naked nintendo day'." — Rjx.
"Love is also like a coconut which is good while it is fresh, but you have to spit it out when the juice is gone, what's left tastes bitter." — Bertolt Brecht (1898—1956) German dramatist.
"Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." — Bertrand Russell (1872—1970), British philosopher, Autobiography.
"Your picture's in my wallet and I'm sitting on it — if that isn't love I don't know what is." — Frank Burns.
"Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires." — La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680), french author.
"Love conquers all except poverty and toothache." — Mae West (1892-1980).
"Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the bush, shoot more often and always eat what they shoot."
"Christianity has done a great deal for love by making a sin of it." — Anatole France (1844—1924) French writer. Le jardin d'Epicure.
"Nuns are fun, once you get into the habit."
"I do understand what love is, and that is one of the reasons I can never again be a Christian. Love is not self denial. Love is not blood and suffering. Love is not murdering your son to appease your own vanity. Love is not hatred or wrath, consigning billions of people to eternal torture because they have offended your ego or disobeyed your rules. Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that is contingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being." — Dan Barker, "Losing Faith in Faith".
"I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair." — Gore Vidal.
"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, great. If not, it's probably having dinner with someone more attractive than you." — Bill Grieser.
"If you loev two people at the same time, choose the second one. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second." — Johnny Depp.
"'Tis better to have loved and lost than to live with that bitch/bastard for the rest of your life." — D.C. Moore.
"How do I love thee ? Let me count the ways... uh... never mind. How much do I owe you ?" — Mystic7.
"True love is when your heart sweats in places that regular detergent just won't wash out." — David W. James.
"The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage."
"Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals." — Pierre de Beaumarchais, Le Mariage de Figaro.
"Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it."
"You know there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you." — Jay.
"Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it." — Maurice Chevalier.
"I LOVE THIS ONE MORE." — Seen on the T-shirt of a woman walking with twins, with an arrow pointing to the left side.
"'The whole world loves a lover' is an interesting theory, but a very bad legal defense." — Keith Sullivan.
"Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble." — John Barrymore.
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"You know, if you smoke after having sex, you're doing it WAY too fast..."
"Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?"
"Thou shalt not omit adultery."
"Adolescence /n./ The stage between puberty and adultery."
"Adultery is a sin. You can't have your Kate and Edith too."
"Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics."
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best." — Woody Allen.
"Sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five it's fantastic !" — Woody Allen.
"Kinky is using a feather — Perverted is using the whole chicken."
"One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other." — Jane Austen (1775—1817)
"Coito ergo sum."
"Healthy, lusty sex is wonderful." — John Wayne.
"Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome ! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry or as a human shield." — Stephanie McMaster.
"Your grandma only ever uses her walker after I sleep over..."
"When I said I like it rough, I meant the sex, not the whole fucking relationship."
"I never yell, I never tell, but I'm grateful as hell." — Benny Hill (1924-1992), when asked to comment on rumours that he had sexual affairs with women who appeared on his shows.
"Sex is emotion in motion." — Mae West.
"I consider sex a misdemeanor, the more I miss, de meaner I get." — Mae West.
"I wonder if young people on honeymoons today have as much sex as we did when I was young. For the first week on our cruise, most people thought my wife and I were Siamese twins." — Jerry L. Embry.
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less." — Brendan Francis.
"I'm always frank with my sexual partners... I don't want them to know my real name." — Frank.
"My doctor wrote me a perscription for daily sex, but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia."
"A good date ends with dinner. A great date ends with breakfast."
"You probably think Stephen Hawking is in that wheelchair because of a motor neuron disease. But if you got as much barely-legal student poontang as The Hawkster, you'd be in a wheelchair too." — Scott Adams.
"Fornication /n./ Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with."
"It's only premarital sex if you end up getting married."
"Let's have a 'who's better in bed' contest. I hope to be a sore loser."
"There's a big difference between 'having lots of sex' and 'getting fucked a lot'."
"Fucked this girl last night for an hour and 45 seconds. Thanks daylight savings."
"There's no remedy for sex, except maybe more sex."
"France lost a great novel last night." — Victor Hugo, the morning after sleeping with his mistress.
"Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up all night looking for them that does you in." — Casey Stengel (1890-1975).
"Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up ?"
"I asked once: 'how do you get into those pants ?' She said they stretch. Then I asked: 'how do I get into those pants ?'"
"Santa is always happy because he knows where all the bad girls live."
"Girls have magical powers: they get wet without water, bleed without injury and make boneless things hard."
"Being a non english speaking european, I googled 'getting laid' to find what it means. Google asked me 'Did you mean: getting paid more?'. So even google thinks money is more important..." — Space in your face.
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." — Butch Hancock.
"My wife only likes to have sex in places where there is a risk of getting caught. Well, I have caught her — numerous times, in fact." — Brad Osberg.
"I remember my first sexual encounter because I kept the recipe." — Jeff Dahmer.
"You can't ruin a relationship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles." — Rajesh Koothrappali, The Big Bang Theory.
"I'm in a same sex marriage, ever since we got married, it's the same sex each time."
"To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature."
"Success is like pregnancy: everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it."
"My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex, but my girlfriend insits it says dyslexia."
"Finals are like sex, I get done too quick, and I sit there quiet for an hour thinking about what i did wrong." — Elim.
"I think there are two areas where new ideas are terribly dangerous: economics and sex. By and large, it's all been tried, and if it's really new, it's probably illegal or dangerous or unhealthy." — Felix G. Rohatyn.
"The omnipresent process of sex, as it is woven into the whole texture of a man's or woman's body, is the pattern of all the process of all our life." — Havelock Ellis.
"If God had meant us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs." — Malcolm Bradbury.
"I own my own body, but I share"
"I feel like my life is a movie. But it's being shown on TV. So all the sex scenes are cut." — @Quasi.
"The ladder of success in Hollywood is usually agent, actor, director, producer, leading man. And you are a star if you sleep with them in that order. Crude but true." — Hedy Lamarr (1913-2000), Austrian-American actress.
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." — Rodney Dangerfield.
"The tragedy is when you've got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs." — D.H. Lawrence.
"After the fifth time my girlfriend said: 'Give it to me', I looked her straight in the eye and told her: 'You're asking for it'." — Walter Means.
"I was with a girl once and she pointed and laughed. She said: 'Who do you think you're going to satisfy with THAT&nbp;?'. I said 'Me'." — Blum.
"I have screwed many girls here." — Graffiti on a wall of Pompeii.
"It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married."
"How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers ? Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room."
"No two sexes are alike." — B.C.
"Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either." — Joseph Fischer.
"The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous and the expense damnable." — Earl of Chesterfield.
"I think the people above me are having sex. Either that or they're sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot."
"Sex is natural, but not if it's done right."
"If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to ?" — Bette Midler.
"The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image of fulfillment." — Malcolm Muggeridge.
"I may not be the greatest actress but I've become the greatest at screen orgasms. Ten seconds of heavy breathing, roll your head from side to side, simulate a slight asthma attack and die a little." — Candice Bergen.
"My wife stopped pretending to have orgasms years ago. That's all right with me, though, because it allowed me to stop pretending that I cared." — Mike Ranston.
"— You told me you'd give me an orgasm...
— I did ! It's not my fault you spit it out."
"I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock."
"Tell him I've been too fucking busy — or vice versa." — Dorothy Parker.
"I once knew a woman who offered her honor
So I honored her offer
And all night long I was on her and off her."
"Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute ?"
"I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty." — John Waters.
"All this fuss about sleeping together. For physical pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day." — Evelyn Waugh.
"Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary." — Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume.
"Sex multiplies the possibilities of desire."
"Her kisses left something to be desired — the rest of her."
"My girlfriend and I had sex during a cross-country train trip. If I'm not mistaken, that makes us members of the Mile Long Club." — Kim Moser.
"There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl."
"It's the good girls that keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time." — Tallulah Bankhead.
"It's all this cold-hearted fucking that is death and idiocy." — D.H. Lawrence.
"There's a difference between fucking and making love. Making love is what I wanna do after you've been nice to me. Nice by fucking me for instance."
"It is not true that sex degrades women... if it is any good." — Alan Partridge.
"Sex-appeal is the keynote of our whole civilization." — Henri Bergson.
"My husband's German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me." — Bette Midler.
"The art of life lies in taking pleasures as they pass, and the keenest pleasures are not intellectual, nor are they always moral." — Aristippus.
"Proof is arbitrary... unless we're talking about sexual gratification."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy." — Groucho Marx.
"Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways." — William Shakespeare, Henry IV.
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant." — Henry Miller.
"I wouldn't fuck her with your prick."
"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any."
"Sex is like pizza, even if it's done bad, it's still good."
"I've heard it said that sex is like pizza — even when it's bad, it's still good. I guess what I want to know is where I can call to get it delivered within 30 minutes." — Sean P. McAskill.
"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer."
"There are many ways to say 'I Love You' but Fucking is the fastest."
"If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised." — Dorothy Parker (1893—1967), US writer.
"It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses." — Mrs. Patrick Campbell.
"Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me. Then get the fuck out."
"You might as well say 'yes', the sheets are messy already."
"Mary had a little lamb. That's what she gets for sleeping in the barn..."
"Q: What's the difference between a hamster and a turtle ?
A: With a turtle you don't need duct tape..."
"Bend over, I'll drive." — Bumper sticker.
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off." — Bumper sticker.
"My wife used to like experimenting with all kinds of different sexual positions — until eventually she found one where she can see the TV." — Bob Van Voris.
"Localization: sex for the Europeans, violence for the Americans. The Japanese get everything." — tsotha.
"The weirdest sexual position I've ever been in definitely has to be: 'Go stand on your head in the closet while I fuck your friend'." — Mike Ranston.
"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." — Matt Groening, from "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in Life In Hell.
"I have made love to ten thousand women." — Georges Simenon (1903-89), Belgian novelist.
"Every time you sleep with a boy you sleep with all his old girlfriends." — Government advert warning about AIDS, 1987.
"They say if you have positive thoughts about something, it will happen. Well, I've been thinking positively about my neighbor's 19-year-old daughter, but so far, no luck. I think maybe my wife's negative thoughts are interfering." — Maurizio Mariotti.
"What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how she would look without them." — Brendan Francis.
"From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it." — Bette Davis.
"Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got." — Sophia Loren.
"The only unnatural sex act is one which you cannot perform." — Alfred Kinsey.
"Big doesn't necessarily mean better... Sunflowers aren't better than violets."
"The bigger your shoes, the bigger your dick. The bigger your car, the smaller your dick. No wonder people are so afraid of clowns."
"Q: Which is more important, length or girth ?
A: Turns out it's consent."
"Size matters not." — Yoda
"Size matters." — Godzilla
"Whether a long one or a thick one it matters not, as long as it satisfies in abundance !" — Islamic proverb.
"Penis size is not really important. Like they say, it's not the size of the boat, it's the length of the mast divided by the surface area of the mainsail and subtracted from the circumference of the bilge pump. Or something like that." — Donna Untrael.
"I tried setting my hotmail password to 'penis'. It said my password wasn't long enough..."
"The best thing about having a penis is sharing it with people who don't."
"Celebrating those happy moments when the penis is an internal organ." — Oglaf.
"I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom." — Rodney Dangerfield.
"Murder is a crime. Describing Murder is not. Sex is not a crime. Describing sex is." — Gershon Legman.
"Act your age, not your size."
"It's not how you fish, it's how you wiggle your worm."
"A thousand million flies can't be wrong — eat shit."
"Judging from all the gagging and vomiting, I'm guessing the other passengers had never seen somebody eat a bunch of melted Reese's cups before. At least not out of a diaper." — Bob Van Voris.
"My friend Russell takes a dump in a Port-a-Potty and a wrecking ball knocks it over. He's not even hurt, but a lawyer gets him $100,000. He always was a lucky shit." — Jerry L. Embry.
"Imagine my horror when I discovered that the whole movie was basically an endless series of people dying or already dead, their faces locked in expressions of horror and terror. So I double-checked the box and, sure enough, it wasn't 'FECES of Death', it was 'FACES of Death'. But who in the world would want to watch 'Faces of Death' ? That's just sick !" — Clynch Varnadore.
"I bet the people of Gomorrah felt like they got the short end of the stick. After all, they didn't get a perversion named after them." — Mike Miles.
"Be creative: invent a perversion."
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." — Steve Martin.
"An erection is like the Theory of Relativity — the more you think about it, the harder it gets."
"I combined my penis with calculus, thinking that would make it incredibly hard. The bad thing is that my girlfriend no longer finds it necessary since her degree is in English." — Tim H. Richweis.
"School is like a boner: long and hard. Unless you are asian."
"Oh, man, Bob's making photocopies of his ass agai— BOB, WAIT!! THAT'S THE SHREDDER!!!"
"When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks." — Woman in bed.
"Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'." — George Carlin.
"Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around." — David Lodge.
"Necrophiliacs liked cracking open a cold one every so often just like everyone else..."
"My favorite thing to do after sex ?
Re-bury the body..."
"Buggery is boring.
Incest is relatively boring.
Necrophilia is dead boring."
"I hate people who let their kids run around naked on the beach... It's hard to hide an erection in swimming trunks." — Squinky.
"What's black and blue and hates sex ? The 7 year old in my trunk."
"Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy." — Linda Festa.
"I love children and would like to have as many as possible. My cell-mate, on the other hand, robbed a convenience store."
"Perverts aren't the leading cause of pedophilia, it's sexy children."
"First time having sex was like my first time riding a bike. My dad was holding me from behind."
"My girlfriend accused me of being a pedophile. I said: 'That's a pretty big word for a third grader'."
"Q: What's the difference between pedophilia and necrophilia?
A: 4 Minutes."
"I was blessed with a 9" penis. That priest is in jail now."
"What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne ? Acne waits until I'm a teenager to come all over my face."
"I like my women like I like my wine, aged 12 years and in the cellar."
"Pedophiles... Fucking immature assholes."
"I'm sweating like Gary Glitter in Mothercare." — swarthy15.
"When I was a child, I remember laying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left."
"A man is walking through the woods with a little girl at night. Suddenly the girl squeezes his hand and says: 'This place is creepy! I'm scared!' The guy looks down at her and replies: 'YOU'RE scared!? Imagine how I must feel? I have to walk back alone'..."
"I'm going to guess that the phrase 'wants children' means something different, depending on whether you're on a dating site, or on alt.sex.lolita. Yes ?"
"They have just found Jimmy Savile's diary. His last entry was about 10 years old."
"Even if some pervert watches child porn doesn't make him a rapist or molester any more than you wanking off to 'normal porn makes you a rapist or molester. If you say he's supporting child porn, then you should follow the money and jail those responsible for creating it. If he's torrenting it, then using the **AA's logic, he's killing the child porn industry !"
"I wonder if sex in heaven is considered necrophilia."
"Necrophilia: better late than never."
"Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
"A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward."
"Did you know pigeons die when they have sex ? At least the one I fucked did."
"Twilight: The story of a girl's choice to practice bestiality or necrophilia."
"I always get narcolepsy and necrophilia mixed up — which is the one where I fall asleep in the middle of banging a corpse ?" — Mark D. Sabien.
"I'm specifying in my will that my body be donated to the local necrophiliac's club. At this point, I figure it's my best shot at ever getting laid again." — Christopher Urich.
"Incest /n./ Sibling revelry."
"Incest is fun for the whole family." — Bumper sticker.
"What is wrong with a little incest ? It is both handy and cheap."
"A little girl sees her mum standing in the shower, she points at her boobies and asks 'what's that mum' to which her mum replied 'these are breasts', then the girl asks 'when will i get those', to which her mum replied 'when you're older'. Later she sees her dad in the shower, she points to his penis and asks 'what's that daddy?' to which he replies 'it's a penis'. She asks 'when will i get one of those', the reply is 'when your mother leaves for work'.
"Mom! Mom! Sis got her period!
How do you know that, little Johnny?
Dad's dick tastes like blood."
"Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone."
"My brain, my second best organ..."
"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the 'Four F's': fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating." — Unknown neuropsychology professor.
"To go together is blessed, to come together is divine !"
"Every generation thinks that they invented sex." — Andy Grove.
"College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come."
"The man who said 'A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush' has been putting his bird in the wrong bushes."
"It would be less demanding, enslaving, perplexing and strenuous for a healthy male to screw a thousand women in his lifetime than to try to please one, and the potential for failure would be less." — Irma Kurtz.
"I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now."
"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment.
Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals — lions and lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime — fucked along innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." — Alan Sherman, 'The Rape of the A*P*E*'
"A nurse says: 'This won't hurt a bit'. A schoolteacher says: 'We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right'. An airline stewardess says: 'Just hold this over your mouth and nose and breath normally'."
"I think I could fall madly in bed with you..."
"I have an incredible sex drive... my girlfriend lives 200 miles away !"
"The word today is Legs... Spread the word."
"A mistress comes between a mister and his mattress."
"Just my luck — judging by the itching and the rash, I think I'm allergic to prostitutes." — Wiley.
"If having sex for money makes you a hoe, does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganization." — Cloud Bitch.
"Subway is like prostitution: you pay a stranger to do your wife's job."
"If love is forever, then it doesn't matter what you pay per hour."
"I'll give you the same advice my father gave me on the night I lost my virginity: 'just pick one. They all cost the same'."
"Who was the greatest prostitute in history ? Ms Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died." — Will Ferrell.
"Selling is legal, fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal ?" — George Carlin.
"Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money." — Moliere.
"L'amour fait proprement est toujours sale."
"I bet the people of Gomorrah felt like they got the short end of the stick. After all, they didn't get a perversion or a criminal activity named after them." — Mike Miles.
"If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position."
"Is it normal for the doctor to have both his hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam ?"
"Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex ?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak."
"A world without women would be a pain in the ass. I you know what I mean."
"My girl was asking me where I'm taking her for Valentine's day. Apparently 'from behind' was not the correct answer."
"Anal sex is a lot like your first car: you don't really want it but your step-dad gives it to you anyways."
"Anal sex is like spinach: if you were forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't enjoy it as an adult."
"Some girl once asked me: 'Would you like breasts or legs ?' I replied I'm more into shaved pussy and anal and now I'm banned from KFC."
"Guys only like anal because women hate it."
"I told him to fuck me like a man. He put it in my ass and called me Steve..."
"— Dad, why is my sister named Teresa ?
— Because your mom loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram for Easter.
— Thanks Dad.
— No problem Alan."
"Don't brag about how good you can cook, men will eat 3 day old pizza. Impress him with anal sex." — Grandma.
"I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said 'I'm feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my arse!' As soon as I did, she screamed ! I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first."
"My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1 to 10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done."
"Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'." — Jimmy Carr.
"If a guy doesn't text me back for a few hours I just write 'Anal?' Then when he replies (immediately) I say, 'Ooops sorry that wasn't for you'." — Kate Quigley.
"My wife was really turned on when we finally did the anal bead thing. At least she was until I told her I'd used her grandmother's antique necklace." — Gus Harris.
"I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction. My copy of the script clearly said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'." — Lester Stevens.
"The eyes are the window to the soul. The door isn't specified." — Oglaf.
"When the Red River is flooded, take the muddy path." — Confucius says.
"One time my friend was having ass sex with his gf in the living room and when they were done... she dropped one on the carpet. Then his parents came home. It ain't big, just a little thing, but they ran out leaving it there. When the parents see it they take the dog to the vet and put it to sleep..." — eviltown103.
"I got an erection during a prostrate examination; it was then that he realised I wasn’t a doctor."
"When you think about it, there is really a fine line between being a proctologist and just being a perverted ass-freak. And according to the judge who sentenced me, that line is called a 'medical degree'." — Brad Wilkerson.
"Today my boyfriend has found a new nickname for my butt: 'Gandalf'. Apparently his 'Thou shalt not pass' strikes a bell." — Seigneurette.
"Your butt is mine." — Michael Jackson, in song 'Bad'.
"To me sex should be like a run-on sentence: no peroids and no colons." — Steve Ryan.
"Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."
"There's a professional baseball team in Japan named the Swallows. I guess 'Takes It Up the Ass' was too long to fit on their uniforms." — Anthony Myers.
"Remember: Anal sex is just like vaginal sex, except afterwards your cock may have shit on it."
"There's nothing that will bring a woman back down to earth with a rock solid THUD than realizing that you only have half of that 1/4 pound weiner from Costco in your hand."
"It was only after I untied my girlfriend from being face down on the bed that I learned her screaming, 'Asshole!' was a statement about my character and not an invitation or request." — Dave Henry.
"My girlfriend always wants to make love at the same EXACT time, in the same EXACT position, while listening to the same EXACT music, with the same EXACT incense burning. I guess that's what they mean when they talk about 'anal' sex." — Tim H. Richweis.
"The Ancient Greeks also invented sex, but the Romans tried it with women as well. Kinda like how the Arabs invented the condom, but the Europeans improved on it by removing it from the goat first."
"Women do: Piercings in the strangest places, Tattoos everywhere, Face liftings, Cesarian Birth, Liposuction, Surgical reduction of the abdomen, Plucking of facial hair and eyebrows, Depilation with hot wax. So how can they dare to tell you 'it hurts' when you ask for some anal sex ?!?" — Maky.
"Don't call it 'bleaching you asshole' but 'changing your ringtone'."
"A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice."
"Lawyer /n./ Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to 'following too closely'."
"When you get right down to it, fisting is just warm, velvety muppet sex." — From a Card againt Humanity hand.
"Don't fuck me in the ass and tell me it's a blowjob !" — Joe Pesci in Casino.
"After my wife got a lower back tattoo that said 'Paradise', I complained that it lacked an arrow to point me in the right direction. Her answer: 'Too bad for you if you don't know where to go by now'."
"Ogni donna e seduta sulla propia fortuna."
"Oral Sex: the taste of things to come."
"Okay, I admit I'm not very good at oral sex. But my wife doesn't have to keep rubbing my nose in it." — Gordon Sherman.
"You know the worst thing about oral sex ? The view." — Maureen Lipman.
"So my boyfriend has dandruff, and I need to give him head and shoulder. Okay, but how do I give him shoulder ?!?"
"If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent." — Scott Adams.
"Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie." — William Shakespeare.
"If you're not into oral sex, keep your mouth shut !" — Helmet sticker.
"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball ? Nothing, she just gagged a little."
"The bird that delivers babies is called the stork. And the bird that prevent girls from getting pregnant is called the swallow."
"Titanic: goes down on you on the first date. Swallows a lot of seamen."
"Australian kiss: same as french kiss, but down under."
"You know you have a high sperm count when she has to chew before she swallows."
"What are the two most important holes in a woman's body ? No, it's not them, you dirty bastards. It's her nostrils... They allow her to breathe while she is sucking cock."
"69: a meal for two with a hairy view."
"6.9: just another good thing ruined by a period."
"69 + 69 = dinner for 4."
"On the plus side, my girlfriend looked mighty sexy on Halloween night in her vampire costume. On the down side, she was too drunk to remember to remove the fangs before the blowjob." — James Knowles.
"Honey, you need to suck his penis like your ex is watching." — Dr Ruth Westheimer, sex therapist.
"If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth."
"Medical fact: if a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle, she'll probably suck it as well."
"You mother is so stupid she got fired from a blow job."
"Blow jobs are ironic by nature: you suck; and for most people it's not your actual job." — Oglaf.
"Did you hear the one about the actress who blew her big chance but still didn't get the part ?"
"These days, a woman can get anywhere by using her head especially the mouth part." — Kaleb Hewitt.
"I told my girlfriend that a praying mantis female eats its mate after copulation. She didn't take the hint." — James Floyd.
"Great news: My girlfriend sucks ! Bad news: My girlfriend sucks ! Linguistic trick or another one of life's bittersweet mysteries ?" — Ed Smith.
"When my wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled: 'Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!' 'Wow', I thought, 'I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this!'" — Brad Simanek.
"Let's flip a coin: heads I get tail. Tails I get head." — Seen on a T-shirt.
"Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing !"
"Courage /n./ Two cannibals having oral sex."
"It's not easy spelling bukkake. Especially with your mouth full."
"If you go down on your college professor you *might* get a better grade, but if you kick him in the balls and threaten his life, you'll definitely get a better grade AND he'll still respect you in the morning." — Stephanie Thompson.
"Word to the wise: Fellas, if your girlfriend casually mentions that she wants a facial, don't get your hopes up — it's probably not what you think it is." — Dawson Rambo.
"An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants." — Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live.
"Let's flip a coin. Heads, you give me head; tails, I get some tail."
"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls, but when I got the bill for the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that it was enough to make a blown man cry."
"My ex-wife had a fixation about having sex in her ear. Every time I tried to stick my cock in her mouth, she turned her head." — Dave Henry.
"At a wedding last week, my wife said: 'Isn't the bride beautiful ?' When I responded by saying, 'Yeah, but her blowjobs aren't half as good as yours', she got all pissed off. Women — they can't take a compliment!" — Dave Henry.
"68: Do me now and I'll owe you one."
"Girls that think oral sex isn't really sex are so fucked in the head."
"Some guys try to be smooth on Valentine's Day, giving their lovely lady a gift of lingerie or jewelry over dinner in a blatant attempt to get lucky. I prefer to let the dinner speak for itself — I just hope my wife enjoys the entree of blowfish and clams in white sauce I ordered for her." — Brad Simanek.
"I want a girl that can swallow my pride." — Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess".
Right: How to get the job
"I saw a woman on TV touting Hummers starting at $50,000. Well, for that price, Honey, I'd expect to see my unsheathed testicles hanging out through my urethra when you're done." — Mark D. Sabien.
"God is love... and you shall honor him on your knees..." — From the Bible.
"Cunnilingus is next to godliness." — Kali Nichta.
"She was sucking it so hard the sheets were going up my ass..."
"I wish I could sleep with Mr. Spock. Not that he's so great looking or anything, but it would be easy to grab those ears and steer him on a course down south." — Rita McCleary.
"I was eating a chocolate bar in my kitchen the other day, when my mom walks in. I was like 'it's like an orgasm in my mouth' and my mom says 'oh, believe me, you DON'T want to know what that tastes like'. I guess she realized what she said, because she walked out really quickly." — Delanushorse.
"I choked Linda Lovelace."
"I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw." — Tallulah Bankhead.
"Great lover /n./ A man who can breathe through his ears."
"I think the hardest part of eating pussy is digesting the collar." — James Curry.
"It used to bother me when people called me a pussy. But the joke's on them — after all, you are what you eat!" — John Schmidt.
"When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. 'I really haven't thought about it', gulped the stunned surgeon. 'You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!'"
"I'd make a gay joke. Butt fuck it."
"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." — Lynne Lavner.
"If homosexuality were normal, God would have created Adam and Bruce." — Anita Bryant.
"Homosexuality: not even mentioned in the Gospels, and the Old Testament has more to say about the evil of pork."
"Jesus had two dads. Why can't I ?"
"The world is full of men who hate each other, why worry about two men that love each other." — Tony Benn, Prime Minister.
My sexual orientation is straight
to the computer when I wake up."
"Shrimp is called an abomination in the Bible four times more often than homosexuality."
"Gay sex is literally twice as manly as straight sex."
"For those of you confused about gay marriage, it's like normal marriage but with blowjobs, anal and fewer arguments about who left the toilet seat up."
"Have you heard about the guy who discovered he's both dyslexic and gay ? He's still in Daniel."
"If the fetus you save is gay, will you still fight for its rights ?"
"Asking who is the woman and who is the man in a gay relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork and which is the knife."
"I can't watch Brokeback Mountain for the same reason i can't watch horror movies. I would scream 'HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!' in the middle of the theater." — who.
"Rape is 'God's will' but homosexuality is my 'choice'. Talk about making shit up as you go along." — David Lauterstein.
"My Thai girlfriend said a small penis doesn't mean you can't have a loving relationship. I'd still prefer if she didn't have one though."
"Y'know what i don't get ? Lesbians who date girls who look like they may as well be guys... I mean... WTF... it's like deciding you like skydiving, then buying a submarine." — Rebka.
"The lesbians next door asked what what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said: 'I wanna watch'."
"Kids should not run with scissors. And lesbians should not scissor with the runs."
"Double standards disgust me. When a guy sleeps with a ton of women, he's a stud, but when a girl sleeps with a ton of women, she's a lesbian."
"If you don't support gay marriage, maybe you should stop watching girl on girl porn..."
"I recently found out that my best friend is gay. I know because his dick was hard while I was doing him in the ass..."
"The worst thing about a relationship between two women, you don't automatically know who's supposed to cook." — Driph.
"NBC has announced it will air a three-episode marathon of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy opposite the Super Bowl on February 1st. So, if you get tired of watching a bunch of buff, sweaty men in uniforms patting each other on the ass and bending over to pass something between their legs, you now have the choice of watching something really gay." — usrbingeek.
"Faggot isn't offensive to gays; it's got nothing to do with gays." — Ann Coulter.
"If you were on a bus full of gay guys, would you get off ?"
"I'm not gay, although I wish I were, just to piss off the homophobes." — Kurt Cobain.
"That does it, I'm creating characters of you in The Sims and I'm gonna make you have a gay marriage." — neo_alex.
"Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children." — CharoNoMe.
"Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall." — CharoNoMe.
"I want to get a shirt that says: 'Marriage is for fags'." — EpiPhony3693.
"I've certainly met quite a few more violent christians 'lets go kill us some fags' than violent gays 'lets go break into someones house and decorate it'." — cevik.
"Homophobia: the fear that another man will treat you like you treat women." — Andrew Sullivan.
"San Francisco /n./ Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse."
"San Francisco: A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces there."
"There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco — the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does."
"...I'm not a lesbian or anything (I would be if I were female, though)..." — Drone74B.
"Did you know that you can get AIDS from a toilet seat ? But only if if you sit down before the other guy has gotten up."
"AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals." — Jerry Falwell, televangelist and professional bigot.
"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen'." — Jerry Falwell, said after the sept 11th attacks.
"Homosexuals are brute beasts... part of a vile and satanic system that will be utterly annihilated, and there will be a celebration in heaven." — Jerry Falwell, televangelist and professional bigot.