"When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at." — Epperson's law
The following are humorous (and sometimes serious too) quotes gathered from the Web, Usenet's personal .sig and other sources (in particular the excellent and original Top5 mailing list). Since it's all a big rip-off, I am assuming no copyright whatsoever. I don't even guarantee that they are accurate. Now that you've been warned, enjoy.
"Few women admit their age...
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition." — Bumper sticker.
"Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one ! (chugs beer)" — Homer Simpson.
"Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex ?
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."
"According to the World's Worst Comics #1, the reason why women always wear those skimpy costumes is that men can't shoot straight when they're having erections !"
"Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like 'Second Tall Man'."
"I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable."
"Boobs are the proof that men can focus on 2 things at once."
"Boobs are like the sun: you can stare at them directly for just a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you stare at them as much as you want !"
"You know, there's a big difference between being 'hot' and being 'hot and sweaty'." — ...she said.
"Do not confuse: 'Patching up things with our lovers' and 'Repairing the leaks in our inflate-a-dolls'."
"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
"Macho does not prove mucho." — Zsa Zsa Gabor.
"Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you." — Mae West (1892—1980).
"You know the movie you're watching is a 'chick flick' if you wake up and your wife is crying." — Rick Oie.
"It takes a woman twenty years to make a man of her son, and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him." — Helen Rowland.
"Supposedly I was created in god's image. I don't know... you'd think god would have a bigger penis than this." — Anthony Myers.
"I now stand corrected — there is one gift a woman does not prefer to come in a small package."
"When was the last time you saw a 'size small' package of condoms ?"
"It would be a mistake to put fluoride in condoms because a cavity is exactly what I'm hoping for." — James Knowles.
"Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high."
"Men only have two faults: Everything they say and everything they do."
"Behind Every Good Man Is An Even Better Woman."
"When did 'daddy issues' become an insult to girls when it's men who failed as fathers."
"You can't throw him back because he doesn't meet the legal size limit." — Dave Henry, Honeymoon Tip for Brides.
"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his." — Oscar Wilde.
"Knowing what I do now about women, if I could just travel back in time to when I was 16 years old, I bet I would have gotten laid by now." — Ed Smith.
"There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first." — Adela Rogers St. John.
"Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in." — Katherine Whitehorn.
"You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance if they are placed around your throat, she's probably slightly upset."
"Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it."
"Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest."
"The wife just called me a sex machine. Her exact words were 'You're a fucking tool', but I know what she meant."
"My wife asked me if she had any 'annoying' habits and they got all offended during the power point presentation." — @BattyMclain.
"If Adam had had a real hairy back, we probably wouldn't be here today." — Dave Henry.
"If women had any idea, even for a second, how we really looked at them, they would never stop slapping us." — Dr. Katz.
"If men could fuck women in a cardboard box, they wouldn't buy a house." — Dave Chappelle.
"Want proof that men are more creative than women ? Women will gladly pay someone else to build them a pair of big boobs, while men spend years crafting their own, using nothing but beer and pizza." — Scott E. Frank.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."
"They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I find it's often in huge tits, too." — Brad Wilkerson.
"My girlfriend says I'm a breast man, but I don't think I'm so shallow that I can only see one aspect of a woman's being. I'm also a hooter man, a jug man, a knocker man, a melon man and an ah-ooooooooga! man." — Tim H. Richweis.
"So i went into Victoria's Secret and asked one of the bra-fitting ladies if they carried AAs. And the lady goes, 'try radioshack'." — thisismykittyx.
"As a well-endowed man, I'm here to tell you it's not always easy. For one thing, a lot of women won't date a guy whose tits are bigger than hers." — Brad Osberg.
"There's no marriage problem that bigger tits won't cure. Except maybe when the problem is that the husband has tits." — Tim H. Richweis.
"Who gets to have sex with me ? There's only one fair way to decide this... I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. Okay, it's the one with the huge tits." — Jim Rosenberg.
"Whenever I hear the saying 'Tit for Tat', I can't help but think, 'Way to go, Tat' !" — Alex Calkins.
"My life's goal is to achieve total enlightenment. But I'll settle for a girlfriend with huge hooters." — James Knowles.
"Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended." — Zsa Zsa Gabor.
"There's nothing like a girl with a plunging neckline to keep a man on his toes."
"My husband asked why I bother watching cooking shows when I can't cook. So I asked why he bothers watching porn."
"I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with. She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens."
"It's not that chocolates are a substitute for love. Love is a substitute for chocolate. Let's face it, chocolate is much more reliable than any man."
"Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate: they'll kill your dog."
"I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night." — Carrie Snow.
"Women need a reason to have sex — Men just need a place."
One day, God calls on Adam & says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news ! The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. The bad news is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one organ at a time."
"God made Adam before Eve because you always make a rough draft before the final copy."
"It's true that all men are pigs. The trick is to tame one who knows how to find truffles." — Lev L. Spiro.
"Anxiety /n./ The first time you can't do it a second time.
"I doubt whether any girl would be satisfied with her lover's mind if she knew the whole of it." — Anthony Trollope (1815—82) British novelist.
"Men are like fine wine — they all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd like to have dinner with." — Anonymous.
"It's stupid when girls say they can'r find find a guy, yet they ignore me. It's like saying you're hungry when there's a hotdog on the ground outside." — Mike F.
"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful !"
"A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: 'PIG!!'. The man immediately leans out his window and replies: 'BITCH!!'. They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road." — Bob Castro.
"A woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake an entire relationship." — puppet.
"Don't fake orgasms. Look at him with cold, unimpressed eyes until he either shamefully bows out or does his fucking job." — Ivy Rose Slaughterhouse.
"A man who is old enough to know better is always on the look out for a girl who doesn't."
"Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all."
"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car." — Carrie Snow.
"Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists principally of dealings with men." — Conrad.
"If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads."
"Sucks how every girl I'm interested in is either taken or has good taste in men."
"If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all ?"
"Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck."
"The sex life of spiders is very interesting. He fucks her. She bites his head off." — From a Women's Lib Poster.
"War is menstruation envy."
"I think the reason guys like women in leather outfits so much is because they have that new car smell." — George Fara.
"One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says 'smell this', it usually smells nice."
"So I was seeing this new girl... until she noticed and closed her curtains."
"You only lie to two people in your life: your girlfriend and the police." — Jack Nicholson.
"Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z... Wait, shit." — JonTG.
"When I first met my girlfriend, she asked me what I wanted in a woman. She pretended to be irritated when I said, 'My dick'."
"Women should keep at least 1 dick pic on their phone. This way, when someone sends them one, they can return the favor and write 'You make me so hard too'."
"Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women."
"Once you recognize the fact that all men are inherently pigs, your life becomes much simpler."
"I have great sex with my girlfriend. She's very vocal, and most of it really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!', I love it when she screams, 'Faster!'. The only problem I have is when she screams, 'Deeper!'."
"Women don't want to hear what you think. They want to hear what they think — in a deeper voice." — Bill Cosby.
"The game women play is men." — Adam Smith.
"Did you know a male lion can rule over 30 females and mate over 50 times in one day ? You know, I think those male lions just may have life pretty well figured out." — Keith Sanvidge.
"A woman tries to get all she can out of a man, and a man tries to get all he can into a woman." — Isaac Goldberg.
"I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... and then natural selection reared its ugly head."
"If you keep the sexual harassment complaint forms in the bottom drawer, then you'll get a great view of the women's butts when they get one out !"
"Memo to co-workers: Anyone who thinks my hanging mistletoe from my exposed penis is sexual harassment can just blow me !" — Brad Simanek.
"Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text, "what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
"When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer."
"She said she was hot for me, so i gave her a spare heatsink. She didn't seem happy. I just don't understand women." — MrRoboto1024.
"Men want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before." — Elayne Boosler.
"Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved."
"My wife says I'm not ambitious enough. I suppose I could find someone more supportive, but why bother ?" — Jim Rosenberg.
"My wife just stopped and said: 'You weren't even listening, were you ?
"Men — You can't live with 'em, and they only bleed when you whip 'em."
"I shoplift sexy panties because my wife's panties aren't sexy enough for me to wear."
"When you consider what a chance women have to poison their husbands, it's a wonder there isn't more of it done." — Kin Hubbard.
"In yesterday's post, I asked how many of you guys would have sex with a robot if it was indistinguishable from a hot human woman. About 95% of the hetero guys said they would. The other 5% expressed a strong preference for lying." — Scott Adams.
"Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humour ?" — Frank More Colby (1865—1925), US editor.
"The trouble with some women is that they get excited about nothing — then marry him."
"What do you call a guy who makes 'women in the kitchen' jokes ? Single."
Guy, naked in front of the mirror: 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
"Four inch nails is more like it!" — Courtney Love about Nine Inch Nails.
"Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and she groaned to me: 'Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!'. So, I fucked her twice and slapped her."
Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it".
"Of all the women I have loved before, both were so-so and way too expensive." — TidewaterJoe.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
At the cocktail party, one woman asked another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger ?"
"I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat."
"Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women." — Groucho Marx.
"I know I must be really good in bed, 'cause women always ask me if there's any possible way I could make it last longer." — Bill Hewins.
"Who needs a husband ?
"While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are scarcely sufficient to service one woman." — Boccaccio.
"— Mommy mommy, what's an orgasm ?
"— Mummy, where do babies come from ?
"— Daddy daddy, there's a man at the door with a bald head.
It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says 'You know, you're really a lousy lover'.
"Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed..."
"Why you lookin' for 12 inches when you could get 4 inches three times, baby ?"
"Mine ain't 12 inches but it smells like a foot !"
"Black men don't have large penises... White men have small ones !"
"One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, 'You should be hung'. I calmly replied, 'I am. That's why she cuts the grass'." — Farrod.
"He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes."
"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
"If the women don't find you handsome they should at least find you handy."
"When you're a guy, every member of the female populus falls into either one of two categories: either you'd like to have sex with her, or you wouldn't. But you think about it regardless. Women don't think about guys that way." — Loveline.
"I read in a book that you can get your girlfriend excited using Foreplay and digital manipulation of her vagina. I don't have Foreplay, so I used PhotoShop. It worked — she totally freaked." — Calvin Winslow.
"Vaginas are like gyms. I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't." — Max Miller.
"Even if you can hit a glass on the table four out of five times when you're clipping your toenails, women will never truly appreciate your skill." — Clynch Varnadore.
"Sex addicts are just guys who are telling the truth."
"Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women ?" — Virginia Woolf.
"Word to the wise: Women want men with flat stomachs and fat wallets. My sex life still hasn't recovered from getting it backwards." — Derek Cockram.
"There is one important thing about penises all girls should know: penises really do have different sizes. From smallest to largest:
"I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate — but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza." — Alf Whit.
"And why do girls say they want honesty... then don't... like the other night I was like 'What would you like to do ?... movie or go out to eat ?'... she was like 'Well what do you want to do ?'... I was like 'Well if it was up to me... we'd just go home and fuck and then you could drive yourself home while I catch the last of the ball game' and then I get a dirty look." — B2uc.
"How to impress a woman ?
"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy." — Erica Jong.
"Beginning to live with a man is a bit like buying something you've been longing for in a store: you're excited as hell when you bring it home, but then you figure out it doesn't fit in the place." — Jean Kerr.
"This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man'. I said: 'Oh, a gay trucker ?'" — Judy Tenuta.
"A hard man is good to find."
"And what do you two think you are doing ?!" roared the husband, as he came upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her companion: "See ? I told you he was stupid !"
"Word to the wise for men: Although meant as a compliment, 'You make love like a professional !' isn't always received as such." — Derek Cockram.
"If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them." — Sue Grafton.
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." — Elayne Boosler.
"OK, basically, I'd give a testicle for that. Not necessarily one of mine. But you get the idea."
"What was the first thing Adam said to Eve ? 'Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets !'"
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck ?" — Linda Ellerbee.
Man: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful ?"
"FUCK, that's what all the girls ever say to me. Though, usually, they add 'OFF' at the end. Sometimes it's between 'DON'T' and 'ING TOUCH ME'."
"I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them." — Jay McInerney.
"Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
"Bitch, bitch, bitch — That's all I ever hear, ever since the dog ate the baby: 'Get rida the dog, get rida the dog'."
"The only thing worse than women are women who tell me I'm a misogynist." — John Avery.
"Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man."
"I'm married, but I don't wear a wedding ring because I've found that it tends to give women the impression that I'm unavailable." — Bill Muse.
"Urinals closer to the ground are not for short kids — they're for long adults."
"Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender ?
"Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some."
"Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow."
"Why do people say 'Grow some balls' ? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding." — Betty White.
"I don't have a girlfriend, I just have someone who'd be really mad if she heard me say that." — Mitch Hedberg.
"How come when your wife is pregnant, people rub her tummy and say 'congratulations' but no one rubs your balls and says 'good job' ?"
"What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common ?
"Nothing cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid."
"Guys that are grossed out about girls getting their periods are lame. I'm sure your mother was praying to get hers but got you instead, tragic."
"I personally think that Cinderella should have lived a happy life with all her animal friends rather than settle for a man who had her try on a shoe because he didn't recognize her without makeup."
"Q: What can a bird do that a man can't ?
"Q: Why did God put men on earth ?
"Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common ?
"Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs ?
"Q: Why do women live longer than men ?
"Q: How do you keep male employees on their toes ?
"Q: Why do men have pet names for their penises ?
"Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive and caring ?
"Q: How are men like laxatives ?
"Q: Why is food better than men ?
"Q: What's the difference between pregnant women and men ?
"Q: Why don't men have PMS ?
"Q: What three two-letter words denote 'small' ?
"Q: What is a man's worst nightmare ?
"Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis ?
"Q: What's the most useful part of a man ?
"Q: How can you tell that God is a woman ?
"Q: Why don't men need to use so much toilet paper ?
"Q: Why did God make Adam first ?
"Q: What are the three words a woman can always expect from a man after sex ?
"Q: How are men like chocolates ?
"Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven ?
"Q: Why do men name their penises ?
"Q: How is a man like a snowstorm ?
"Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called ?
"Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women ?
"Q: What do you call a handcuffed man ?
"Q: Why are men like commercials ?
"Q: Why are men like popcorn ?
"Q: Why are men like blenders ?
"Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm ?
"Q: Why are women so bad at parking ?
"Q: What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris ?
"Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening ?
"Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner ?
"Q: What do men and women have in common ?
"Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts ?
"Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man ?
"Q: How is a man like the weather ?
"Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth ?
"Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of ?
"Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date ?
"Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common ?
"Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is ?
"Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings ?
"Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis ?
"Q: What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman ?
"Q: What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing ?
"Q: What's the difference between government bonds and men ?
"Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T. ?
"Q: Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners ?
"Q: Why do men prefer blondes ?
"A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of ?
"Q: How can you tell soap operas are fictional ?
"Q: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating ?
"Q: How does a man show he's planning for the Future ?
"Q: How was Colonel Sanders a typical male ?
"Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying ?
"Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers ?
"Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog ?
"Q: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera ?
"Q: What did God say after creating man ?
"Husband: Want a quickie ?
"Q: Why do men want to marry virgins ?
"Q: What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand ?
"Q: What do you call an intelligent man in America ?
"Q: Why do jocks play on artificial turf ?
"Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette ?
"Q: What is a man's view of safe sex ?
"Q: How do men sort their laundry ?
"Q: Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it."
"Q: How does a man take a bubble bath ?
"Q: What is a man's idea of foreplay ?
"Q: How do you save a man from drowning ?
"Q: What do men and beer have in common ?
"Q: How are men and parking spots alike ?
"Q: What is a man's idea of doing housework ?
"Q: Do you know why bankers are good lovers ?
"Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups ?
"Q: How do men exercise on the beach ?
"Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business ?
"Q: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women ?
"Q: Why do bachelors like smart women ?
"Q: Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born ?
"Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common ?
"Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm ?
"Women's rules for men:
Phrases you don't tell a naked man:
The Top Worst Things to Say to a One-Night Stand the Next Morning:
"And then Adam said, 'What's a headache ?'."
"Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate the difference between one young woman and another." — George Bernard Shaw, Major Barbara.
"Belladonna /n/ in Italian, beautiful lady; in English, a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential similarity of the two languages." — Ambrose Bierce.
"Female /n./ Life support system for a pussy."
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." — P. J. O'Rourke.
"As regards the individual nature, woman is defective and misbegotten, for the active power of the male seed tends to the production of a perfect likeness in the masculine sex; while the production of a woman comes from defect in the active power..." — Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica.
"Are Women Human ? In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one vote."
"When you realize most adults in the world still read the '#' symbol as 'pound'... and you named your women's movement against sexual harassment #METOO."
"Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands." — Ambrose Bierce.
"Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straigh from the carton how she's doing." — Underchilde.
"I don't understand how god can have 10 commandments for the whole world, and my wife hcan have 152 just for our house." — Kent Graham.
"Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced."
"A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot." — Pancho Villa.
"Q: What do women and condoms have in common ?
"We have drugs to make women speak, but none to keep them silent." — Anatole France.
"There is always a need for intoxication: China has opium, Islam has hashish, the West has woman." — André Malraux (1901-1976).
"A beautiful woman is the hell of the soul, the purgatory of the purse, and the paradise of the eyes." — Fontenelle.
"Christ called as his Apostles only men. He did this in a totally free and sovereign way." — John Paul II (1920-2005) Polish Pope.
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." — Aristotle Onassis.
"The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God." — Woody Allen, 'Without Feathers'.
"If my wife really loved me, she would have married someone else !"
"If my wife's got the face of a saint — a Saint Bernard."
"She was beautiful, but she was beautiful in the way forest fires are beautiful: something to be admired from a distance, not up close." — Terry Pratchett.
"Do you know why they call it PMS ? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken." — Unknown, presumed deceased...
"PMS: Potential Murder Suspect."
"If I was a corner man for a female UFC fighter and she was losing the fight, I would just yell: 'calm down!'"
"Men get laid, but women get screwed." — Quentin Crisp.
"No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman." — Honoré de Balzac (1799—1850) French novelist, La Physiologie du mariage.
"In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never be free of subjugation." — The Hindu Code of Manu.
"One hundred women are not worth a single testicle." — Confucius.
"I'm not saying you're a slut, but if your vagina had a password, it'd be 1234."
"Freyja — goddess of love, sex, beauty, fertility, gold, war, death, witchcraft and cats. Proof the vikings understood women."
"It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped, and short-legged race." — Schopenhauer.
"Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote." — Grover Cleveland, 1905.
"I hate when girls act like they are too good for McDonalds. Talking about 'I care what goes in my body'. Stacy, I have seen your exes, no you do not." — Chelsi Cornelius.
Man: You remind me of the sea.
"I don't understand how women can spend so much money, I mean, understand, she don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
"The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy."
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that." — Mitch Hedberg.
"The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed." — Norton.
"Women are more difficult to handle than men. It's their minds." — Peter Sellers.
"In 2009 OkCupids statistics showed that women rate 80% of men 'below average'."
"And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off." — Homer Simpson.
"Stop wasting your time looking for Mr. Right. Just find Mr. Left and drag the idiot to the right."
"I feel that nothing so casts down the manly mind from it's height as the fondling of women and those bodily contacts which belong to the married state." — St. Augustine, De Trinitate.
"Women should not be enlightened or educated in any way. They should, in fact, be segregated as they are the cause of hideous and involuntary erections in holy men." — St. Augustine.
"Any woman who does not give birth to as many children as she is capable is guilty of murder." — St. Augustine.
"Brigands will demand your money or your life, but a woman will demand both." — Samuel Butler.
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit." — Erick S. Gray.
"I was making out with my girlfriend: 'Hey, baby, I'd like to get a little pussy', I whispered in her ear. 'Oh, me too', she replied, 'mine's as big as a barn'."
"There's a difference between beauty and charm. A beautiful woman is one I notice. A charming woman is one who notices me." — John Erskine.
"I Support womens rights. But I also Support womens wrongs. I love when they do bad things." — aelu03.
"Girls are like nun chucks: they are awesome! But when u mess up it hurts ...alot." — monetcopy.
"Every single girl is a psycho, you've just gotta find one who makes you think 'fuck it, I can put up with her'."
"She was like a magnet: attractive from the back, repulsive from the front."
"From 30 feet away she looked like a dream come to life. From 10 feet away she looked like someone that should be looked at from 30 feet away."
"Girls are like Wolfenstein 3D. If you get far enough, you have to fight Hitler himself." — Laemtao.
"I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me."
"I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich — the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg." — Scott Adams.
"A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing." — Somerset Maugham, The Circle.
"— What would you guys do without us women ?!?"
"When the lights are out, all women are beautiful."
"Being an ugly girl is like being a guy, you're gonna have to work." — Daniel Tosh.
"A man who likes to lie in bed can usually find a girl willing to listen to him."
"When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave."
"Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex." — Ellyn Mustard.
"You can solve most problems by putting a pillow on her face." — My grampa.
"I've finally found the perfect girl, I couldn't ask for more. She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed. And owns a liquor store."
"Here's to our wives and sweethearts — may they never meet." — John Bunny.
"Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up." — Louis C. K.
"Two reasons why girls are single:
"Never try to understand women. Women understand women, and they HATE each other."
"Never listen to girls on how to get girls. If you're trying to catch fish you don't ask another fish. You ask the fishermen."
"Of course I like women. Historically, man has always been attracted to Evil." — Timothy McClanahan.
"MilliHelen /n./: the amount of beauty required to launch one ship."
"If you were a cookie, you'd be a whoreo."
"I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos." — George Carlin.
"Some girl just came onto our floor and was yelling 'sexual favors for anyone who does my sociology paper'. I just asked her what the paper was about and she said the accomplishments and growth of feminism." — kylev.
"Cad /n./ A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant."
"Pregnant women are technically body builders."
"My wife had 100% uptime in 2010. Did not go down once."
"You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she fits in your wife's clothes."
"She was like: 'are you enjoying this ?' And I was like thinking, dude, it feels like I'm fucking a bowl of spagetti-Os or something." — TFreak.
"Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with the other." — Jules Feiffer.
"Every woman's a 10. It just depends upon which base you're counting in."
"An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches."
"In every woman there is something good, but you have to put it in yourself..."
"FUN FACT: a majority of paleontologists are women due to their natural ability to dig up the past."
"What you doin' tonight ? Wanna hool up ?
"How does it happen that four such smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends ? It's like seventh grade with bank accounts!" — From Sex and the City.
"A man must be potent and orgasmic to ensure the future of the race. A woman only needs to be available." — Masters and Johnson.
"A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female by virtue of a certain lack of qualities a natural defectiveness." — Aristotle.
"A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments." — Herodotus.
"Instead of degrading women, maybe we should upgrade women. I'm talking bigger boobs. Faster downloading. Lasers..."
"A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out." — L. Ron Hubbard.
"Pregnancy tests: Blue line means your pregnant, yellow socks mean you missed."
"Girls are like rocks; you skip the flat ones."
"To generalize on women is dangerous. To specialize in them is infinitely worse." — Rudolph Valentino (1895-1926), american actor.
"God created the orgasm so that women can moan even when they are happy."
"Therapist: you saw the red flags though, right ?
"When a girl says: 'If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best'. What she really means is: 'I'm a fucking psycho'." — Nikulogical.
"God created woman. And boredom did indeed cease from that moment — but many other things ceased as well! Woman was God's second mistake." — Friedrich Nietzsche (1844—1900) German philosopher.
"I have always dreamed of being in bed with a hot woman. Little did I know I would have to wait until she reached menopause." — Lee Entrekin.
"I have never had a woman to give me a headache." — 112-year-old South African Nicklaas Amsterdam, explaining that life without sex had worked wonders for him.
"In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns." — Fabrizio, The Godfather.
"Q: Why does the bride always wear white ?
"Q: how long does it take you to get over a girl ?
"Dames lie about anything — just for practice." — Raymond Chandler.
"The other day my girlfriend asked me about my wildest fantasies. I probably shouldn't have told her they all involved other women." — shyster.
"Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump." — Chinese Proverb.
"I hate parties, because you have to look good, but if you look too good other girls get jealous, and if you look not good enough they talk nasty about you."
"My high school guidance counselor told me my aptitude tests revealed that I could pretty much do anything I liked — then she turned around and slapped me. Women!" — Jerry L. Embry.
"Don't be a sexist. Chicks hate that."
"Women can be really sexist. But, like everything else, men are just better at it."
"If women are paid less because of sexism, why aren't sexist employers hiring only women to save money ?."
"Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society." — Rush Limbaugh.
"I am undecided on abortion
"The way to a woman's heart is through your wallet." — Jeremy Keating.
"A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work." — Adolf Hitler.
"A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing — tender, sweet, and stupid." — Adolf Hitler.
"The Two Things about Women:
"My wife helped intensify my religion. Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
"I hiked in the bush once but i told her to shave that shit or i'd never do it again."
"I love women. I love every bone in their body. Especially mine."
"Here is God's cruel joke: by the time a guy figures out how women work, his penis doesn't work anymore." — Loveline.
"Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand." — Benny Hill.
"Nymphomaniac /n./: A Girl That Can Only Count Up To Sex."
"Nymphomaniac /n./ also nympho; a list of women which likely comprises none of the women you would like and most of the women you wouldn't."
"What's a nymphomaniac ? A woman who wants sex more than you do." — Alfred Kinsey, sexologue.
"El Nino taught me that some of the most beautiful things in nature are also the most dangerous. Like 30 foot waves, giant thunderstorms, and topless blondes driving on rain-soaked highways." — Mark Schmidt.
"With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too close. Like catching snakes." — Marlon Brando.
"My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards."
"Woman is generally so bad that the difference between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists." — Tolstoy.
"Women are nothing but machines for producing children." — Napoleon.
"My biological clock says 12:00 and blinks." — Tonitrus.
"I like smiling brightly, shaking a girl's hand going: 'Hi, i enjoy misogynistic violent sex acts!'" — Decept404.
"Girls don't have penises... At least that's what I thought until I got kazaa..."
"Theres a chemical release in ur body after sex that induces sleep. It's the body's natural defense, to keep from talking to the girl."
"When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, 'Do what you like now'." — Tolstoy.
"With all the talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us." — Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner.
"In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested."
"Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox ?
"What they wrote in the news about beer containing female hormones must be true, because after 10 beers a man becomes as stupid as a woman."
"You are not pretty enough to be that stupid."
"Let me put it this way: my date was like an RPG... she was long, expensive, and full of monsters." — deathcubek.
"The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog."
"I had a wife once, but her husband came and got her."
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way." — Henny Youngman.
"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." — Milton Berle.
"I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her." — Bumper sticker
"I was at a magic show once, and the magician chose my wife for a helper and then sawed her in half. Alas, it was only an illusion." — Larry Hirsch.
"You know, I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read the stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago..."
"The government runs the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women." — Scott Adams.
"San Francisco Personal Ads, you will never find a more retched hive of scum and villainy: 'I'm looking for a cute strong guy with a truck to help me move a couch from Dolores Park to Oakland some time this week during the evening. I'll buy you dinner afterwards. Picture required'. In other words: 'you must be THIS hot to move my furniture'." — MrBeanTroll.
"I woke up the other morning at 4:00 am to find some woman banging on my door. I was like, WTF ?... So I got up, and let her out." — Neo.
"At first I thought: 'How could women be from Venus ? It's got an atmosphere of poisonous gas !' And then I made the connection: potpourri !" — Larry Hollister.
One day God said to Adam, "I'm going to give you the perfect mate. She will do everything you ask of her and she will always love you."
"I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months — I don't like to interrupt her."
"Women: You can't live with them; You can't live without them. That's probably why you can rent one for the evening." — Jim Stark.
"If it floats, flies or fucks, it's cheaper to rent."
"What's the job application to Hooters ? They just give you a bra and say: 'Here, fill this out'."
"Teenage kids these days think sex is some kind of game where you keep track of how far you got with whom. That's pretty immature if you ask me. Anyone with brains knows it's about how many chicks you bang." — Tim H. Richweis.
"If there is one thing I know about women, it's that you should never laugh until you absolutely — I repeat, absolutely — know that they're joking." — Mark Dockham.
"I think the fact that feminism has just recently arrived after a few thousand years of male domination says something: women are a little slow." — Graeme Glinski.
"I have P.M.S. and a gun; Any questions !?!" — Seen on a woman's T-shirt.
"What does an old woman taste like ?
"Woman are like elephants to me. I like to look at them but I wouldn't like to own one." — W.C. Fields.
"Women are like cigarettes: you don't get very far by lighting their butts on fire." — Smilin' Sam.
"Q: How do you make a hormone ?
"Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work. Except for women."
"Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full." — Earl Wilson.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
"Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die."
"Girls get minks the same way minks get minks !"
"Answering 'Who was that on the phone', with 'Nobody', is never going to end that conversation."
"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp." — Joan Rivers.
"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." — Dolly Parton.
"A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
"A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument."
"The natural reason why women's butts are bigger than men's is that the anvil must always be bigger than the hammer."
"If all the research spent on beauty products for women had gone to space research, there'd already be fries stands on the moon"
"The only decent bone in her body was mine." — E. Hemingway.
"Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding" — Stephen Wright.
"If But for the Mercy of my Lord, that my paradise becomes a woman's hell." — St. Augustine.
"A woman's place is at her husband's feet." — Pope Pius XIII.
"Women should be obscene and not heard." — John Lennon.
"Socialite /n/: not bright enough to be an actress, too illiterate to be a reporter, too off-key to be a singer, too ugly to be a model, not good enough in the sack to be a porn star, yet not poor enough to be ignored."
"An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized logical mind a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization." — Encyclopadia Apocryphia.
"Sometimes i wonder if the fig leaf on Eve's twat is actually an air freshener." — Murdoc.
"'twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it." — W. C. Fields.
"A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally." — Lillian Day.
"My girlfriend said: 'If you loved me you wouldn't drink so much', I said: 'If I didn't drink so much I probably wouldn't love you'." — Gary Muledear.
"When I said I'd always be there for you, I didn't realize you were so fucking needy."
"Women are like telephones... They love to be talked to, they love to be held, but if you push the wrong button... you're disconnected."
"Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say: 'You've got something hanging out of your nose'. Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy." — Michael Hayward.
"When women go wrong, men go right after them." — Mae West.
"I've found that a good way to get slapped by a feminist upon meeting her is to reply: 'Oh. You're a feminist ? I think that's so cute'."
"A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings." — Olin Miller.
"A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want."
"My friend goes through the wedding section of the Sunday paper looking at the brides-to-be and picks out a Dog-of-the-Week. I think that's cruel toward women. Myself, I look to see who shows the most cleavage." — Dave Henry.
"A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife."
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
"Women won't date a guy who lives with his mother, but they'll date a guy who lives with his wife."
"Any married man should forget his mistakes — there's no use in two people remembering the same thing."
"A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
"Men forget but never forgive, while women forgive but never forget."
"There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman — before marriage and after marriage."
"When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
"Some people think I have trouble controlling my bowels, but really I just wanted the Jacuzzi to myself." — Mark D. Sabien.
"How can you say I'm not sensitive, baby? Look, I've been writing you a poem about our love. I just need to finish this one line. What's a romantic word that rhymes with 'penetrate' ? I've already used 'fornicate' and 'humiliate'." — Damon Milhem.
"I was just talking to some girl about bdsm. Turns out she thought it was buddhism." — Roladex.
"Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut." — Handy.
"Here's some good advice for the guys: If you like a girl and you want to see if she likes you, put your hand on her crotch. If she gets an erection, she likes you! Only now you have a different problem." — Susie Swanton.
"I like sticking my tits in my husband's face, then asking for something really expensive. I inevitably get what I want. This, my friends, is what is known as a booby trap." — Stephanie Thompson.
"Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten." — Bumper Sticker.
"How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat ? She can fit into your wife's clothes."
"— Can I smell your pussy ?
"Beauty times brains equals a constant." — Beckhap's Law.
"Save the Whales — Harpoon a Fat Chick" — Bumper Sticker.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
"Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two major categories: (1) Not enough. (2) Too much." — Ann Landers.
"Women who complain that men only want sex have only that to offer in a relationship."
"The world will continue to reward insecurity as long as it's individually packaged and wearing makeup."
"I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me." — Woody.
"I wanna find a girl who loves me for my money, but doesn't understand math." — jjsff8.
"The best measure of a woman's honesty isn't her income tax return. It's the zero adjust on her bathroom scale." — Arthur C. Clarke.
"You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin." — Joe Orton (1933-67), British dramatist.
"You know, she speaks eighteen languages. And she can't say 'No' in any of them." — Dorothy Parker (1893—1967), US writer. Speaking of an acquaintance.
"There are no ugly women, only lazy ones." — Helena Rubinstein (1882—1965), Polish-born US cosmetics manufacturer.
"Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume ?
"Failing to be there when a man wants her is woman's greatest sin, except for being there when he doesn't want her." — Helen Rowland.
"There goes a woman who knows all the things that can be taught and none of the things that cannot be taught." — Coco Chanel (1883—1971), French dress designer.
"If you were my wife, I'd drink it." — Winston Churchill, replying to Lady Astor who had said: 'If you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee'.
"Harris, I am not well; pray get me a glass of brandy." — George IV (1762—1830), king of the United Kingdom, on seeing Caroline of Brunswick, whom he was to marry, for the first time.
"You have sent me a Flanders mare." — Henry VIII (1491—1547), king of England. Said on meeting his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves, for the first time.
"The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is: What does a woman want ?" — Sigmund Freud.
"Woman /n/ An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication [...] The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey [...] The woman is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk." — Balthasar Pober.
"When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men."
"Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie."
"I think every woman under the age of 28 should be sat down and told that despite the socialization effects of television and Barbie, they are not princesses to be worshiped, they are people to be loved." — Ross Brown.
"All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it."
"All women are bi.
"Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman ?
"Q: What do you call a smart blonde ?
"— Dad, what's a vagina look like ?
"Ce n'est pas parce que l'homme a soif d'amour qu'il doit se jeter sur la première gourde." — Pierre Desproges.
"Les femmes adorent les misogynes." — Serge Gainsbourg.
"Un homme à femmes : c'est un séducteur