Food and Eating Quotes

"Practice safe eating — always use condiments."

The following are humorous (and sometimes serious too) quotes gathered from the Web, Usenet's personal .sig and other sources. Since it's all a big rip-off, I am assuming no copyright whatsoever. I don't even guarantee that they are accurate. Now that you've been warned, enjoy.

On this page:

Pigeon weeping: a minute of silence.


"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead."    — Woody Allen.
"Hunger is the best sauce."
"Dark humor is like food: not everyone gets it."
"What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten ?"
"Cheese /n/ Bovine mammary fluid curdled by stomach enzymes and injected with mold."
"The fondue...? You mean my drinking cheese ?"    — Ali Garfinkel.
"According to my wife, 'just fuck me up' is an 'inappropriate' response to the Olive Garden waiter asking me how much cheese I would like."    — The Nerd Dad.
"When Medusa puts cheese on her sandwich, does she use Gorgon Zola ?"
"Stop getting mad about getting older. You think gouda gets mad when it gets older ?? No. It just gets more expensive at Trader Joe's. Be like gouda, know your worth !"    — Emma Lord.
"It's so beautifully arranged on the plate — you know someone's fingers have been all over it."    — Buy at Amazon.comJulia Childs on nouvelle cuisine.

Why do I have to place my cake at 120 degrees?
"A rich and varied menu is for people who have no work to do."    — Buy at Amazon.comRoald Amundsen (1872—1928).
"A girl in the coffee shop I'm working for has just said to her friend 'Imagine a hot veg smoothie' and I'm wondering how to break it to her that soup exists."    — Dayna McAlpine.
"Soup of the day implies another, possibly even seductive, soup of the night."    — Bewg.
"An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup."    — Buy at Amazon.comH.L. Mencken.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because you didn't cook it.
"So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they ? The answer can be summed up between two buns."    — Stephen Colbert.
"I love cats... they taste just like chicken."    — Bumper sticker.
"Chicken pot pie... my 3 favorite things."
"One day I want someone to look at me and say 'That's her, she's the one' and not follow it with 'who ate all the chicken wings'."
"Sigh. Got to go buy some food. A mouse hung itself in my fridge and left a note 'can't live like this'."    — Ustas.
"Amazing how exercise and extra fries sound alike."
"Ingredients as fresh as they were 27 years ago."    — Slogan of the Biscuitville restaurant.
"If life gives you a lemon, make lemonade. However — if life gives you a pickle, you might as well give up, because pickle-ade is disgusting."    — Clifton J. Gray.

Creampie recipe
"Don't confuse: Jell-O with whipped cream for dessert and J-Lo with whipped cream for dessert."
"Hockey is a lot more fun to watch if you pretend everyone is fighting over the world's last Oreo."
"Why do people put hot sauce in the fridge ?"
"We DO NOT throw away perfectly good food in this house. We put the leftovers in Tupperware, put the Tupperware in the fridge, let it so bad, THEN throw it out."    — @Austen.
"When drinking the sweetened milk left over from my bowl of honey nut cheerios it suddenly occurred to me that I was sucking down cow boob juice sweetened with artificial bee spit. I didnt stop, but I did pause. It's best not to overthink somethings."    — Ryan Haywood.
"Food is fuel and honey I'm a car for it."    — Dana Bad.

The surprising amount of bite marks on IKEA apples.
"What's worse than finding a worm in an apple ? Finding half a worm..."
"I'm experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession."    — Wilde Thingy.
"I love that 'take out' means food, dating and murder."
"Life hack: If someone offers you some Doritos, sneeze into the bag and they'll just let you have them all."    — Chris Hallbeck.
"When people ask me which is more important, food or love... I don't answer because I'm eating."
"It's important to watch what you eat. Otherwise, how are you going to get it into your mouth ?"    — Matt Diamond.
"I don't have health insurance so when I get sick I make chicken soup with low grade poultry and hope the antibiotics seep out."    — katiehannigan.
"Can it be a mistake that STRESSED is DESSERTS spelled backwards ??"

Bacon seed
"It's weird that we cook bacon and we bake cookies."
"Cookies have very few vitamins, that's why you have to eat so many of them."
"You better cut the pizza in 4 pieces, because I'm not hungry enough to eat 6."    — Buy at Amazon.comYogi Berra.
"I can't eat pizza two days in a row because that's really fucking unhealthy so I have to finish this whole thing today."    — @elle91.
"The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange for my soul. I still can't believe I said pizza. Friggin' cravings."    — Marc Ostroff.
"I overheard someone say: 'I'm a pizza kind of guy as if there are other types of people'."    — Andrew Toms.
"As the world gets dumber, I can't help but think Pizza Hut should give a personal pan pizza to every adult who reads 12 books over the summer."    — Scotty.
"Yeah I'm into fitness. Fitness whole pizza in my mouth."

Banana bread
"They say a banana a day cleans your colon, then I found out you're meant to eat them."
"Pizza is just a plate of food where you can eat the plate too."
"Just bought $200 worth of groceries.
Then ordered a pizza because I was too tired to cook after buying all those groceries."
"I'd rather eat pizza and drink wine than be a size 0."    — Sophia Loren.
"Opinions are for pizza toppings, not someone's right to exist."
"I just read a stat that the average person eats 46 slices of pizza a year ?? This is the first time I've been above average at anything."
"If pizza parties are adequate reward for hard work or extraordinary accomplishment, why aren't they a bigger part of CEO compensation ?"    — @Gritty20202.
"Them: you need to listen to your body more.
Body: you're old and you want pizza."
"I'm an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me."
"I don't LIKE food, I LOVE it. If I don't LOVE it, I don't SWALLOW."    — Food critic Anton Ego in the movie Ratatouille.
"I'd think that anyone who truly wanted to end world hunger would donate his or her body to culinary science."    — Kevin Wickart.

Warm corn dogs
"Ratatouille is hilarious cause the villain wasn't even evil he just didn't want food cooked by rats ?!?"    — @rambonsaturn.
"Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious."
"My cousin is the epitome of stupidity. I told her to clean the turkey for some dumb party we are having. And she puts it in the oven right and sets it to 'clean' and I was like 'y u do dat ?'. 'oh the oven has a clean setting'. So we all ate TV dinners that night."    — TheWickerMan.

Mouse in sliced bread. All sliced.
"I think they should put a warning label on strawberries: 'Caution: tastes nothing like a strawberry milkshake'."    — Ryan Kaplan.
"Green clovers. Blue diamonds. Orange Stars. Pink hearts. Purple horseshoes. Man, I never know if I'm looking at a bowl of cereal or having another acid flashback."    — Dave Henry.
"Technically, all the money you have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet."
"I need all 4 food groups now to get my mind off of things: pussy, beer, weed, cake."
"Me: I want to eat a magic geode full of rubies.
Grocer: pomegranate. Aisle 12."
"Thinking how much I hate grocery shopping, the easiest and most convenient way in the history of this planet for any species to get food."
"DEEP THOUGHT: Why is spicy the only flavor my butt can detect ? Why cant I eat pancakes and then 14 hours later be like OOH PANCAKES AGAIN ?"    — Matthew Inman.
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy."    — Pundamentalism.
"I've started investing in stocks... first chicken, then beef, and now vegetable. I Know it's risky, but I know one day it'll pay off & I'll be a bouillonaire."    — @emily_dawnxo.
"I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life ? Cutlery."    — Tim Vine.
"*Inventing celery* Damn, I wish I could bite water with hair in it."    — Knives McGee.
"And, of course, the funniest food of all: 'Kumquats'."    — George Carlin.
"— What's for dinner ?
— Nothing
— We already had nothing last night !
— I know, I made enough for two days."
"The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it."    — Scott Adams.

In the event of famine, turn your keyboard upside down and shake. -- Wally.
"Give a man food, and he can eat for a day. Give a man a job, and he can only eat for 30 minutes on break."    — Lev L. Spiro
"If I share my food with you, it's either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it."

Strawberries and jam cake. Won't make again...
"I ran out of Tupperware one day, so I took my cottage cheese to work tied up in a condom. I'm not allowed to use the employee refrigerator anymore."    — Rolf Lundgren.
"Sometimes I cook with hat, just to see if people notice the difference."
"Remember, fellas, nothing say: 'I want to get kicked in the balls' like a box of fat-free chocolates."    — Don Swain
"I tried to say no to chocolate, but it wouldn't listen."
"When I see chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. One says 'Eat the chocolate'. The other says 'You eard her, eat the chocolate'."
"Once we hit forty, women only have about four taste buds left: one for vodka, one for wine, one for cheese, and one for chocolate."    — Gina Barreca.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."    — Buy at Amazon.comMark Twain.
"What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get ? Mine is a Skittle."    — Steve Suckington.
"He was a bold man that first ate an oyster."    — Buy at Amazon.comJonathan Swift (1667—1745), Irish-born Anglican priest and writer.
"Oysters are such bullshit. You want me to eat this rock ? No! see, it's got a horrible slug inside. Fuck off."
"Lutefisk ? Perhaps this is why the Vikings were so feared, if they were man enough to consume rotten fish, or fish cured with lye or urine, well... you think they'd be afraid of your silly little swords and arrows ?"    — Ill Lich.
"The biggest challenge when eating surströmming is to vomit only after the first bite, as opposed to before."    — Wolfgang Fassbender, food critic.
"Gourmet /n./ Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're leaving the best part."
"Haggis /n./ Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and... Excuse me a minute..."
"Farts are the ghosts of food we ate."
"A spoon's only objective in life is to make soup go upwards, and it knows this. That's why when you put one under a running tap it blasts the water way high. The spoon think there's suddenly TONS of soup to deal wit and it freaks out."    — nohoperadio.
"Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt."    — Scott Adams.

Tabasco. It's rough stuff.
"All mushrooms are edible, but some are only edible once."    — Terry Pratchett.
"I can't stop thinking about people who first ate mushrooms through trial and error. 'This one tastes like meat, this one killed Kevin instantly and this one made me see God for 3 weeks'."
"Dinner at the Huntercombes' possessed only two dramatic features — the wine was a farce and the food a tragedy."    — Anthony Powell (1905- ), British novelist.
"I think I could eat one of Bellamy's veal pies."    — Buy at Amazon.comWilliam Pitt the Younger (1759—1806), British statesman, last words.
"An army marches on its stomach."    — Buy at Amazon.comNapoleon.
"Kissing don't last: cookery do !"    — Buy at Amazon.comGeorge Meredith (1828—1909), British novelist.
"There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl."
"Don't wear all black because I'm goth, I do it to hide the food stains."
"Note to self: Alcohol based marinades and gas ovens SHOULD NOT BE COMBINED."

Mary had a little lamb
"I put a big lump of meat in the oven and roasted it and used the smoke detector as a timer."    — trib.
"Jokes about steak are pretty rare, most are not well done."
"Husbands: Baby, I'll make dinner tonight. If you go get the ingredients, make the sides, season the meat, bring it to me outside and then help me find my tongs and spatula, I'll grill and you can just relax."    — Abby Jimenez.
"— My child doesn't want to eat meat. What can I replace it with ?
— A dog. Dogs love meat."
"The last place I'd expect to find a hair in my food is a Brazilian steakhouse."    — Nate Armbruster.
"It is better to have eaten something and thrown it up... and then eaten it again, than to have never eaten it at all."    — Dog.
"My life is just a series of wtf moments separated by snacks."
"Inside me are two wolves: one is super proud that I didn't buy any snacks at the grocery store and the other is ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS that I didn't buy any snacks at the grocery store ."    — Jonathan Edward Durham.
"I hate when you sit down to work with a snack and you re like yes this is going so well and then you realize what was going well was just the snack."    — Sarah Miller.
"I dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks."
"I hate when you sit down to work with a snack and you are like yes this is going so well and then you realize what was going well was just the snack."    — Sarah Miller.
"Doctor: Do you smoke ?
Patient: Yeah
Doctor: Cigarettes ? Marijuana ?
Patient: mmmm, mostly brisket and pork."
"I mean, seriously, we are a culture that can stand in front of a microwave with a burrito in it and scream 'FASTER!'"    — Ross Brown.
"Microwaves be like: Here's your hot bowl of cold spaghetti."
"I sexually identify as a microwave dinner, because I am ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I'm just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you are desperate."
"Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them."    — Buy at Amazon.comSamuel Butler (1835—1902).
"My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked."    — Winston Churchill.
"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."    — Winston Churchill.
"What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common ? Both involve 30-year-old meat in between two nine-year-old buns."    — n00dle.

Indian food: not recommended for rednecks
"As a child if you'd told me my absolute favorite Fruit Roll-Up flavor would eventually be dry-cured ham I would have thought you were quite deranged but here we are."    — Meta Pathos.
"Ham and eggs: a day's work for a hen; a lifetime commitment for a pig."
"With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet."
"When I go to a restaurant, I always ask for a chicken and an egg, to see which comes first."
"As I'm making scrambled eggs for the family this morning my four-year-old asked me what an egg is...
...there is no way to answer this question without sounding like we are absolute monsters, so I still have not answered him."    — Kerry.
"I don't understand how I'm getting oOeo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole."
"I want buns of steel, but I also want buns of cinnamon."
"The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."    — Buy at Amazon.comCalvin Trillin.
"Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food ?"    — My child, about to be shook.
"No one likes spoiled children, so be sure to use an airtight container when storing leftovers."    —
"Last week I ate a 5th Avenue bar on 5th Avenue while little kids eating Snickers bars snickered at me. It was probably that whole 'irony' thing."    — John Gephart.
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of ? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners !"    — Buy at Amazon.comRoald Dahl (1916-90), Norwegian writer.
"Some breakfast food manufacturer hit upon the simple notion of emptying out the leavings of carthorse nose bags, adding a few other things like unconsumed portions of chicken layer's mash, and the sweepings of racing stables, packing the mixture in little bags and selling them in health food shops."    — Buy at Amazon.comFrank Muir (1920- ), British writer and broadcaster.

Please be chicken
"A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen."    — Emily Lotney.
"Cannibal /n/ Someone who is fed up with people."
"Eating just one billionaire would do more to prevent climate change than going vegan or never driving a car for the rest of your life."
"Eat the rich — the poor are tough and stringy."
"I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say 1 was 'killed by bears' and leave it at that."
"They say 'you are what you eat', so I guess I need to eat a skinny person..."
"How many communions do you have to do before you've eaten a whole Jesus ?"    — Jeffrey Dahmer.
"I might regret my tattoos in 50 years but Jeffrey Dahmer said cannibals don't like tattoos and I'll never regret not being eaten alive."    — Tre.

Frog salad.
"Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child — if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender."    — W. C. Fields.
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry'..."    — Gary Larson, The Far Side.
"If Will E. Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner ?"
"The me that buys groceries and the me that cooks are two different people."
"If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal."
"Butter vs. Margarine ? I trust cows over scientists."
"Butter is such an important superfood that it has its own penthouse at the top of the fridge."
"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."    — Buy at Amazon.comFanny Fern (1811-72), US writer.
"Either the chocolate in my pocket has melted, or this is something altogether more sinister."    — Rjx.
"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt."    — Seen on a girl's T-shirt.
"Guillaume, dammi del cioccolato, se no non riesco a pensare."    — Jenny in distress...
"If it screams, it's not food... yet."

Bacon not done yet.
"I eat bacon for breakfast, bacon for lunch and I drink my dinner"    — From the movie Buy at Amazon.comGrumpy Old Men.
"Some people don't eat bacon for religious reasons. I don't religion for bacon reasons."
"Be involved in things but don't commit. It's like eggs and bacon. The chicken was involved, but the pig was committed."
"If the bacon package isn't resealable then it contains one serving. That's just science."

Essential oil
"A Texas woman, Waynetta Nolan, was sentenced to 10 years in jail for running over the manager of a McDonald's with her car because she wanted mayonnaise on her cheeseburger."
"MAYO stands for Man Are You OK ?"
"You will feel hungry again in another hour."    — Fortune cookie message.
"Why are there pop tarts but no mom tarts ? Because of the pastryarchy."    — @jlynn43xo.
"Save a mouse, eat a pussy."    — Kevin Peter Kelly.
"An average of two rodent hairs per one hundred grams of peanut butter is allowed."    — No. 20. FDA Government guidelines.
"The best number for a dinner party is two — myself and a dam' good head waiter."    — Buy at Amazon.comNubar Gulbenkian (1896—1972), Turkish oil magnate.

Low carb, gluten-free salad
"It is as bad as bad can be: it is ill-fed, ill-killed, ill-kept, and ill-drest."    — Buy at Amazon.comSamuel Johnson (1709-84), British lexicographer. About the roast mutton at an inn.
"Give me liberty or... OOOooo... A jelly donut !"    — Homer Simpson.
"Oh my God, Space Aliens !! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids ! Eat them !"    — Homer Simpson.
"If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it probably needs a little more time in the microwave."    — Lori Dowdy.
"Just because something's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty."    — Matthew J. Siske.
"You can't get ice cream out of shit ... I don't care how much you stir."    — Unknown.
"The best part of being an adult is having your own ice cream you can eat straight out of the container and not have to dirty a bowl, and the worst part is everything else."    — Rachel McCartney.
"Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable 'spots' that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment."
"Bread is like the sun rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."
"Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew."    — Danno.

Feed the cat.
"People are more opposed to fur than leather because rich ladies are easier to harass than bikers."    — Bumper sticker.
"Sacred cows make the best burgers."
"What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide ? To hold cows together."
"Did you know that a cow was MURDERED to make that jacket ?"
"Yes. I didn't think there were any witnesses, so I guess I'll have to kill you too."    — Jake Johansen.
"Have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn ?"    — Maura Quint.
"Life is soup, I am fork."    — Pakalu Papito.
"We don't check the refrigerator multiple times in hope to find new food. We check to see if our standards dropped enough to eat what was available."
"You always see witches with cauldrons but never see witches with tupperware. There's no way they ate all that stew in one sitting."
"I hate it when I eat the last bite but didn't notice it would be the last bite so I couldn't mentally prepare myself and get closure."
"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea ? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face before..."

Bring me another smurf
"Two stages of my life:
— I should eat
— I shouldn't have eaten that much."
"The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune, but the chick peas can only hummus one."
"If really good-looking people are 'eye candy' guess that puts me somewhere around the 'eye broccoli' category."
"I don't know why I don't buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the crap out of something and then eat a bunch of candy."
"The human body is 60% water. We're basically cucumbers with anxiety."
"Do y'all blow on food when it's hot or do you hashafashasha til you can chew it ?"
"Fruit farmers eat what they can and can what they can't."
"How come when men cook outdoors it's 'barbecuing', but when women do it it's 'witchcraft' ?"
"The guy that sits next to me in class is fighting with his girl and texted her and said: 'is this one of those things food will fix or are you for real mad'. Admirable."    — Laynee Davidson.
"Beef Wellington is just corn dog from a different socioeconomic background."
"The hot dog eating contest should be about who can eat one hot dog the best."    — @tom_on_here.
"The pottery scene from Ghost, except it's me standing behind the hot dog vendor helping him put ketchup on my hot dog."    — Eden Dranger.
"7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun: 'If I plant this, will it grow a burger ?'"    — Hollie Harris.
"When my boyfriend is home I eat three Square meals a day and when he is gone I creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in BedStuy."    — Aria Aber.
"My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally I do a turkey but hey, if it'll make 'em happy..."
"Save the whales — collect the entire set."    — Bumper sticker.
"Quand l'appétit va, tout va."    — Obélix.
"Je ne suis pas gros... Tout juste un peu bas de poitrine."    — Obélix.
"Qui ne pète ni ne rote est voué à l'explosion !"    — Lao Tzeu.
"On doit manger pour vivre, et non vivre pour manger."    — Moliere (1622—1673)
"Se vuoi dimagrire, caca."

Failed dog or advertisement success ?


"Great restaurants are, of course, nothing but mouth-brothels. There is no point in going to them if one intends to keep one's belt buckled."    — Buy at Amazon.comFrederic Raphael (1931- ), British author.
"Looking up a restaurant's menu before eating there... call that 'foreplate'."    — Adam.
"The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th."    — Scott Adams.
"A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on the table after you eat."
"KFC ! The only thing missing is U !"
"A Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer is to computing what a McDonalds Certified Food Specialist is to fine cuisine."
"I found my 1st grey pubic hair the other day :( It was in a BigMac..."    — Nor.
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant ? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner."    — Lynda Montgomery.
"Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon ? Great food, but no atmosphere!"
"Me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
Health inspector: so you see why this is happening ?"
"Your food tastes like your line cooks don't have any tattoos."
"The quality of restaurant food is inversely proportional to the size of the peppermill."    — Klotz's Law.

Frog legs


"I don't think America will have really made it until we have our own salad dressing. Until then we're stuck behind the French, Italians, Russians and Caesarians."    — Pat McNelis.
"Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty (in France, by contrast, there are three such days: Hier, Aujourd'hui and Demain)."    — Michael Dresser.

"How can you expect to govern a country that has two hundred and forty-six kinds of cheese ?"    — Buy at Amazon.comCharles de Gaulle.
"Bouillabaisse is only good because cooked by the French, who, if they cared to try, could produce an excellent and nutritious substitute out of cigar stumps and empty matchboxes."    — Buy at Amazon.comNorman Douglas (1868—1952), British novelist.
"First need in the reform of hospital management ? That's easy ! The death of all dietitians, and the resurrection of a French chef."    — Martin H. Fischer (1879—1962).
"Why do the french eat snails ?
Because they don't like fast food..."
"Americans use a lot of french words regularly, such as 'hors d'oeuvres'. And that's just for starter..."
"In fantasy, ever wondered why the little people (dwarves, halflings, etc) always portrayed as the best cooks ? Because Tolkein was British. To him, the concept of good food was as much of a fantasy as elves and dragons.    — Buy at Amazon.comJ.R.R. Tolkien (1892—1973).
"I hate french food."    — Buy at Amazon.comJ.R.R. Tolkien (1892—1973).

"I'll bet what motivated the British to colonize so much of the world is that they were just looking for a decent meal."    — Martha Harrison.
"The beauty of their women and the taste of their food made the Brits the best sailors in the world."
"Britain is weird 'cause like they conquered the entire known world for spices, then didn't use any of them."
"To eat well in England you should have breakfast three times a day."    — Buy at Amazon.comW. Somerset Maugham (1874—1965), British novelist.
"The beauty of their women and taste of their food made the Brits the best sailors in the world."
"After 3 days of eating in England, I now understand why Gordon Ramsay is so fucking angry all the time."
"— Is british food really that bad ?
— If made correctly, yes."
"My theory is that all Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."    — Mike Myers.
"I am in England and the food here is not to be tasted as much as just swallowed without grimacing."    — Kristin Gilbert.
"Lutefisk was invented by the Vikings as an easier way of instilling fear in their enemies than raiding and pillaging."

How caviar is made.
"Sushi /n./ Known to the rest of the world as 'Bait'."
"I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious."    — George Carlin.
"Japanese say Americans are lazy. HA!! At least we cook our fish !"
"Japanese snacks suck. They aren't treats, if you gave them to small children in north America they'd start to cry."    — PooIsYummy.
"Maybe following advice received on IRC wasn't such a good idea after I ordered 'bukakke' for dessert in the Japanese restaurant."
"Japan's greatest tragedy is having the world's best toilets and no mexican food. What's the point of owning a ferrari if you never take it to the track."    — Dōgen.
"To me, essential oils are what drips out of tacos."
"I don't know if this is good parenting but we used Taco Bell to get our 3yo on a more convenient pooping schedule."    — Science Mom.

Fortune cookie reads: 'That wasn't chicken !'
"When I'm at a Chinese restaurant having a hard time with chopsticks, I always hope that there's a Chinese kid at an American restaurant somewhere who's struggling mightily with a fork."    — Rick Budinich.
"In Heaven there is dragon meat, on Earth there is donkey meat."    — Chinese saying from Hebei province.
"If it has four legs and it's not a table, eat it."    — Cantonese saying.
"I ordered 2000 pounds of chinese soup. It was won ton."
"If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it."    — The Duke of Edinburgh.
"You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles."    — Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food.
"Shrimp with assroted vegetables."    — Typo on a Chinese restaurant menu.
"A restaurant in northeastern China that advertised illegal tiger meat dishes was found instead to be selling donkey flesh marinated in tiger urine."
"I was once watching this documentary on Discovery channel. They had this Asian family cooking scorpions. The reporter asked one of the family members: 'what does it taste like ?' The family member responded: 'tastes like penguin'."    — Octane.

Italian condoms
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again."    — George Miller.
"It's easy to think of Italy as nothing more than spaghetti, garlic bread, and parmesan cheese. But a quick look at their history reveals they invented fascism."    — Brooks Otterlake.
"I can't believe you can get banned from a bakery for mispronouncing 'focaccia' !"    — Hikeeba.
"Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated."

The real scene from Lady and the Tramp...
"The first movie my mom took me to when I was a kid was Lady and The Tramp and when they got to the scene where the dogs ate the spaghetti, I assumed that spaghetti was dog food, and then I started bawling, thinking my mom had cruelly been feeding me dog food all these years. And to make matters worse, spaghetti was my favorite food !!!"    — Ryan Shipley.
"Mexican food so authentic Trump wants to build a wall around it."   — Mexican restaurant billboard on On i90 in South Dakota.
"I don't know the secret of happiness but Ill tell you what, I've never been sad at a Mexican restaurant."
"If you stack two lasagne, you'd still one one lasagna..."
"I spent my entire life savings on pasta. It was worth every penne."
"If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry ?"

Extra slutty olive oil
"The indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn't share the flatbread recipe.
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement."

Look ! A walking steak !

Vegetarian, Vegan

"You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway."    — Scott Adams.
"Being a Vegan is nice and sweet, but if it came down to starvation for you and your child vs eating Bambi, Bambi'd be on a stick."    — SatanicPuppy.
"Vegans think butchers are gross. But I reckon people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer."
"Fruits that do not live up to their names: passionfruit, grapefruit, honeydew, dragonfruit...
Fruits that do live up to their names: orange."
"The idea of vegetarianism as some sort of moral crusade requires a society rich enough to support such a vanity."    — Jedidiah.
"This burger is plant-based... Meat processing plant..."·
"If you're Vegan try our salad. Even our main courses like it."    — Restaurant sign.
"Any salad can be a Ceasar salad if you stab it enough."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club. But I'm sure I've never met herbivore."
"When I eat healthy a candy bar looks at me and snickers."

Where do you draw the line at animals you can eat ?
"That moment when your steak is on the grill and you can already feel your mouth watering... Do you vegans feel the same about mowing the lawn ?"
"Being a vegetarian is a huge missed steak."
"Out of nowhere my girlfriend has suddenly gone vegetarian. It's like I've never met herbivore."
"How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger ?
One if nobody's looking."
"I love animals... they're delicious."    — Bumper sticker.
"I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy."    — Stephen Wright.
"I'm a social vegan. I avoid meet."
"Vegetarians Taste Better."    — Bumper sticker.
"There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats."    — Ron Swanson.
"They must have some sort of rule that they tell you they are vegetarian like 5 times a day. Must be in the handbook 'when you have the desire to eat meat, tell someone you're a vegetarian'."    — homerj.
"Graaaaaaaiiiiinnssss......"    — veganzombie.
"PETA is awesome, hours of entertainment at the cost of one dead rabbit."    — DoctorRiff.
"Vegetarian /n/: indian word for 'bad hunter'."
"If animals were not meant to be eaten, why are they made of meat ?"    — Bumper sticker.
"Chips are basically like: 'do you want to eat a potato one page at a time'."    — Matt O'Brien.
"I heard the government is putting chips inside of people. I hope I get Doritos."
"There's always a place for God's creatures... right next to the potatoes and gravy !"
"I can relate to a potato 'cuz I love to be baked & smashed."
"If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat ?"

Love fish
"Vegans are the most environmentally unsound people. They totally take advantage of 'survival of the fittest'. The plants can't move. They can."    — MGS05.
"When people who eat natural foods die of food poisoning, do they die of natural causes ?"
"Do vegetarians hate plants ?"
"Would vegetarians eat carrots if they had faces ?"
"The thought of two thousand people crunching celery at the same time horrified me."    — Buy at Amazon.comGeorge Bernard Shaw (1856—1950), Irish dramatist and critic. Explaining why he had turned down an invitation to a vegetarian gala dinner.
"A meal without flesh is like feeding on grass."    — Proverb.
"I think vegetarians — for a lot of them — it's about a lack of commitment to life and relationships. There are some who just like the fact that they're controlling something in their life."    — Kirsten Dunst.
"P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals."
"I bet it's called 'almond milk' because nobody can say 'nut juice' with a straight face."
"Mr. and Mrs. Pepper could often be heard boasting about the success of their sons Dr. Pepper and Sgt. Pepper but they rarely spoke of their daughter Belle who gained an unfortunate reputation for being routinely stuffed and eaten."    — Josh the Alwrighty.
"I understand this may be difficult to accept for some, but working class vegans MUST be willing to make exceptions when we start eating the rich."    — Leyton Untidy.
"I understand this may be difficult to accept for some, but working class vegans MUST be willing to make exceptions when we start eating the rich."    — Leyton.
"The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man's nose. Once again proving you just can't beat the real thing."    — Douglas A. Boneparth.

Now don't move, boy. One tough order to obey.


"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."    — Buy at Amazon.comFran Lebowitz (1950- ), US writer.
"Attention to health is life greatest hindrance."    — Buy at Amazon.comPlato (427-347 B.C.)
"The right diet directs sexual energy into the parts that matter."    — Buy at Amazon.comBarbara Cartland (1902-2000), British romantic novelist.
"Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 6 kg in only 2 days."
"I would lose weight but I hate losing..."

Hungry mouse
"Dr: you have this disease
Me: oh no
Dr: but you can cure it with a healthy diet and exercise
Me: OH NO"
"If only loosing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper or even my mind... I'd be so skinny."
"I don't want to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours."
"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it."
"Why are there no fat people in Japan ? Last time they had a fat man, 80000 people died."
"You can leave out the butter, but you'll be sorry."    — Julia Child.
"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people."    — Ed Bluestone.
"Q: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A: Zero."
"My advice if you insist on slimming: Eat as much as you like — just don't swallow it."    — Harry Secombe (1921- ), welsh singer, actor, and comedian.

I lost my job at the donut shop
"— I thought you were dieting ?
— I am
— You just had 3 donuts
— But I wanted 4. See, dieting."
"They say you should treat your body like a temple. I treat mine like a fast-moving dumpster."    — The Oatmeal.
"Every time an actor does an interview about how they gained weight for a role they're like 'honestly I just ate absolute nasty disgusting garbage for a month straight' and then they go on to describe my normal diet that I've been eating for 31 years."    — Rachel Wenitsky.
"I just grabbed a couple pretzels and sat down at the computer... I bit in to one and realized that not only was it stale, but I wasn't really all that hungry to begin with. But I was too lazy to get up and toss them in the trash, so I ate them anyway... I wonder just how many of the Seven Deadly Sins that qualifies me for..."    — _dk-.
"I hate it when healthy me does the groceries because now fat me needs a snack."
"I can relate to Alice in Wonderland: she just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems."    — Molly Sneed.

Ate 4 boxes of Thin Mints. Not feeling thin at all...
"I tried being anorexic for four hours and then I was like, I need some bagels."    — Kat Dennings.
"The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends."
"Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops eating before he bursts."
"The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself."    — Louis C.K.
"Life is like a box of chocolates: it doesn't last as long for fat people."
"Now that I nave lived through an actual plague, I totally understand wny Italian Renaissance paintings are full of naked fat people laying on couches."
"I would like to check myself into The Very Hungry Caterpillar clinic where you eat your feelings for 6 days, have a nice salad cleanse, take a two-week nap, and then emerge both beautiful and newly skilled."    — Shannon Curtin.
"I am in shape. Round is a shape."
"I just ate 4 boxes of thin mints. I do not feel thin at all."
"Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake."

Is that too big too eat ?
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
"Cookies have very few vitamins. That's why youhave to eat so many of them."
"I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far it's not 27."    — Sooz.
"Let's see, which would be easier: Losing 40 pounds by strict dieting and exercise or gaining 60 pounds to qualify for a gastric bypass ?"    — Nancy Casurella.
"I walk into school today and the girl that sits beside me tells me that she lost 10 pounds from laughing at me."    — BS.
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets."
"Dieters live life in the fasting lane."
"I look to nature to find which diets actually work. I suggest the squirrel diet, because you almost never see a fat squirrel. It's easy: Just lose 99 percent of the food you hid around the house."    — Carolyn Mansager.
"As a kid, I got three meals a day. Oatmeal, miss-a-meal and no meal."    — Mr. T.
"I think Dr. Atkins and all those other charlatans are missing the boat. The best method for losing weight can be summed up in two words: Shit more!"    — Brad Simanek.

Salad working its magic
"You know it's been a rough day for your girlfriend when she takes the ice cream out of the freezer, then removes the lid and throws it directly in the garbage."
"Never eat more than you can lift."    — Miss Piggy.
"The only two things I don't eat for breakfast are lunch and dinner."
"I need to know why everyone said I could save money bringing lunch to work. It's 9:43, I ate the lunch. Now I have to buy another lunch for lunch."    — Beth McColl.
"I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it."
"After age 30 do we keep all clothes in case they fit again forever ? Asking for a friend."
"I've never seen a bulimic fat girl, so apparently dieting works."
"Kind of disheartened that getting myself just a little treat a thousand times this month hasn't fixed my problems ? I see no choice but to keep going until it works tbh. Wish me luck."    — Rachel Mans McKenny.
"I love millennials so much. We turned skipping breakfast into 'intermittent fasting'. That's so creative."    — Marc Flynn.
"I'm nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so l usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down."    — Marlebean.
"I used to do intermittent fasting as a kid. Of course, it was called poverty back then."
"I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work."
"Sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale."    — Marie Le Conte.
"Sometimes I hear the voices of cookies and ice cream at night, calling to me from the kitchen.
The veggies, however, are oddly quiet."
"Why do people go to Burger King and order a double Whopper with a large French fry and insist on getting a diet Coke ?"

Four Fat Faeries...


"If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people."    — Jim Eason.
"If I had breasts, I'd no doubt just sit around all day and play with them. Lucky for me, my new pizza and doughnut diet has me halfway there!"    — Tim H. Richweis.
"One of life's mysteries is how a 1kg box of candy can make a woman gain 2kg."
"According to the BMI chart at the doctor's office, I'm too short."
"I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until she apologizes."
"Food has replaced sex in my life; now, I can't even get into my own pants !"
"I wish I was as skinny as I was when I first thought I was fat."
"Your mother is so fat, she outweighs the needs of the many."
"— I'm so fat
— No you're beautiful
— I said I was fat, not ugly."
"I may be older now. But I'm also fatter and less cool."
"You workout because you want to be healthy. I workout because I want to eat like a pig and still look decent. We are not the same."
"The fact that eating healthily and exercising actually does make me feel better is offensive to me."    — Amily Murnane.
"I was born a male, I identify as a male, but according to Stouffer's lasagna I am a family of four."
"They say the further along you get in life, the more you focus on matters of the self. I must agree: In high school, my big dream was to get in the pants of each and every cheerleader — now my big dream is to get back in the pants I wore in high school."    — Carl Knorr.
"Brain cells die. Skin cells die and even hair cells die. But the fat cells in my stomach must have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior since they seem to have eternal life."    — Lloyd Legalist.
"The dinosaurs's eloquent lesson is that if some bigness is good, an overabundance of bigness is not necessarily better."    — Eric Johnston.
"The chef on TV just said: 'Where's there's fat, there's flavor'. I know he was talking about food, but I still took it as a compliment."
"Yo mama so fat that when she goes camping the bears hide THEIR food."

They're happy because they eat Lard.
"I use the word 'fat'. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight... There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat !"    — George Carlin.
"I'm too fat to do illegal stuff, I can't run away."    — Lord-Data.
"It looks like you enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge."
"I know 5 fat people and you are 4 of them."
"A fat paunch never bred a subtle mind."    — Anonymous.

Evolution of fat worship.
"If your girlfriend tells you she feels fat and hugs you for moral support, do not start jiggling her butt in an attempt to find the natural frequency of fat; and if she asks, DO NOT tell her what you are doing."    — RonilWazlib.
"Adding car lanes to deal with traffic congestion is like loosening your belt to cure obesity."    — Lewis Mumford, 1955.
"Remember when American moms used to tell their kids to finish dinner because children were starving in Africa ? Well, thanks a lot, Mom — Africans are still starving and American kids are obese."    — Larry Baum.
"'But obesity runs in my family...' No, the problem is that nobody runs in your family !"
"Every recipe should start with 'wash the dishes that are already in the sink cuz you'll need some of those'."    — Jon Drake.
"Recipes should include photos of the mess you have to clean up after."    — Matthew Tanner.
Please stop making new flavors of Coca-cola. Either put the cocaine back or leave it alone."    — adriane.
"If Coca Cola really cared about the obesity problem, they'd put cocaine back in their recipe."
"Why have abs when you can have kebabs ?"
"Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes."
"I love you like a fat kid loves cake !"    — Scott Adams.
"The biggest lie my parents ever told me was, 'Eat all your food so you can be big and strong'. Well I've eaten all my food and now I'm just big."
"A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much."    — Frank Varano.
"Okay, this is the only right answer to the question 'Do You Think I'm Fat?': 'No, because if you were fat I'd leave you'."    — Paranoua.

Lard, for people in love.
"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening."    — Alexander Woollcott.
"So my sister asks me if this shirt makes her look fat, and I was like: 'no the fat underneath does'."    — genjer.
"What would the world be like without men ? A lot of fat, happy women."
"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight: last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't hear the stereo."
"Outside every fat man there is an even fatter man trying to close in."    — Buy at Amazon.comKingsley Amis (1922- ), British novelist.
"I had to write an essay about handicapped parking spots. I chose to write about how fat people are not handicapped. And how they should get special parking spots at the end of the lot."    — dez.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."    — Buy at Amazon.comOrson Welles.
"The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life. Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat."    — Buy at Amazon.comAlbert Einstein.

Not a morning person
"Great eaters and great sleepers are incapable of doing anything great."    — Henry IV of France (1553—1610)
"If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I'd be a 400 pound guy."    — Scott Adams.
"Everything in space is weightless, but would a really fat astronaut weigh just a little bit ?"
"Health experts say you aren't supposed to lay down immediately after eating a large meal, but i was already laying down while I ate it so I'm good."    — Trev.
"I was assigned female at birth and identify as a woman, but according to the back of the Kraft mac and cheese box I'm a family of four."
"Just the other day in the Underground I enjoyed the pleasure of offering my seat to three ladies."    — Buy at Amazon.comG. K. Chesterton (1874—1936), British writer. Suggesting that fatness has its consolations.
"She fitted into my biggest armchair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing armchairs tight about the hips that season."    — Buy at Amazon.comP. G. Wodehouse (1881—1975), British humorous novelist.

Dogbert weight loss plan
"The Right Hon. was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say 'When!'"    — Buy at Amazon.comP. G. Wodehouse (1881—1975), British humorous novelist.
"We don't skinny dip. We chunky dunk."
"Pros of being an adult: I can eat 28 cookies and no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 28 cookies. No one stopped me, and now I feel awful."
"Ate a donut without sprinkles today so if you see me looking skinny tomorrow don't be alarmed."
"I went for a run but came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes..."
"A Pennsylvania man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart, and I'd like to formally announce my lawsuit against Thin Mints."    — Crystal Lowery.
"The journey of a thousand pounds begins with a single burger."    — Chris O'Brien.
"Who's your fat friend ?"    — 'Beau' Brummel (1778—1840), British dandy. Referring to George, Prince of Wales.

Chocolate keyboard.

Some recipes


But of course any real recipe has to be written in the language of choice: French ! Right ? I found a huge collection of recipes written by Alexandre PUKALL.

Since they were in text format or MS Access format I converted them to html and compiled them into one big Windows Help file (.chm, which you can also read under linux with xchm). It's freeware and I have the author's permission, so download it here.

Warning: it's Windows only, French only and 6.6 Mb (10000 recipes).


Mais bien sur, toute recette de cuisine qui se respecte ne peut être écrite que dans une langue: en français ! Non ? J'ai trouvé une énorme collection de recettes écrites par Alexandre PUKALL.

Comme elles étaient seulement en mode texte ou MS Access, je les ai converties en html puis compilées en un gros fichier d'aide Windows (.chm). C'est freeware et j'ai l'autorisation de l'auteur, alors téléchargez gaiement.

Attention: seulement pour Windows, seulement en français et 6.6 Mégas (10000 recettes).