"At the end of Braveheart, William Wallace's last word was 'Freedom!'. When I die, my last words will probably be more along the lines of: 'Aw, dammit...'." — Eric Spratling.
Note: An epitaph (literally: "on the grave" in ancient Greek) is text honoring the dead, most commonly inscribed on a tombstone or plaque or read as a funeral oration.
"Nothing is written in stone until you're dead."
"John Le Mesurier wishes it to be known that he conked out on November 15th. He sadly misses family and friends." — John Le Mesurier (1912-83), British actor. His death announcement.
"Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated." — Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens; 1835-1910), US writer. On learning that his obituary had been published. Cable to the Associated Press.
"Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight." — A contemporary politician about Theodore Roosevelt's (1858—1919) death.
"They really are bad shots." — Charles De Gaulle (1890—1970), French general and statesman. Remark after narrowly escaping death in an assassination attempt.
"There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result." — Winston Churchill (1874-1965) after a failed assassination attempt.
"I want my tombstone to say: 'It didn't make me stonger'." — Mikee Steinberg.
"Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body."
"Instead of donating my body to science, I'll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body."
"'Till death do us part' is for quitters..."
"When I die, I'd like to be scattered over my hometown. But not, like, cremated or anything." — Mitch Berg.
"When I die, I want to be thrown out of an airplane wearing a Superman costume."
"When I die, I want my last words to be: 'I left a million dollars under the ...'"
"I wish my first spoken word was 'Quote' so I could make my last word 'Unquote'." — Stephen Wright.
"I came into this world kicking and screaming while covered in someone else's blood. I have no problem with going out the same way."
"Ask her to wait a moment — I am almost done." — Mathematician Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777—1855) when informed that his wife was dying.
"After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one." — Cato the Elder (234-149 BC)
"He died in bed." — Tombstone of renowned gunfighter Doc Holliday (1851—1887).
"I told you I was sick." — Tombstone of Spike Milligan (1918—2002), British actor.
"I'm in on a plot." — Tombstone of Alfred Hitchcock (1899-1980), British director.
"Let me out of here !!!" — From a tombstone.
"Longest Live Burial World Record Attempt." — From a tombstone.
"I thought my doctor said I was heading for a rave." — From a tombstone.
"For a good time, dig." — Epitaph of Platy Paul.
"How did it get so dark ?!?" — From a tombstone.
"Where did everybody go ?" — From a tombstone.
"Some come to this graveyard
To sit and think,
But I've come here to
Rot and stink." — From a tombstone.
"Died at the age of 102 at the hands of a justifiably outraged husband." — From a tombstone.
"Scotty... beam me up !" — From a tombstone.
"I'll thank you not to put your butt on my grave." — From a tombstone.
"Non!" — Epitaph wanted by Louis-Ferdinand Céline, french writer, refused by the cemetery (1946).
"Here lies a man who knew how to enlist the service of better men than himself." — Tombstone of Andrew Carnegie.
"Here lies Kenneth Lay, which is what he did pretty much every second he was alive." — Danny Gallagher.
"He neither drank, smoked, nor rode a bicycle. Living frugally, saving his money, he died early, surrounded by greedy relatives. It was a great lesson to me." — John Barrymore (1882—1942) US actor.
"Posterity will ne'er survey
a Nobler grave than this:
Here lie the bones of Castlereagh:
Stop, traveller, and piss !" — Lord Byron's poem on Lord Castlereagh.
"Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at 1700 N 17th St this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. It was. Age 31." — Newsflash.
"That's All Folks !" — Epitaph of Mel Blanc, The Man of a Thousand Voices.
"Here lies One Whose Name was writ in Water." — Epitaph of John Keats (1795—1821).
"I've played everything but the harp." — Lionel Barrymore (1848—1954) US actor, when asked what words he would like engraved on his tombstone.
"Go, stranger, and tell the Lacedaemonians that here we lie, obedient to their commands." — Leonidas (d. 480 BC) King of Sparta. Epitaph over the tomb in which he and his followers were buried after their defeat at Thermopylae.
"Stranger ! Approach this spot with gravity !
John Brown is filling his last cavity." — Epitaph of a dentist.
"She sleeps alone at last." — Robert Benchley (1889—1945) US humorist. Suggested epitaph for an actress.
"Kata ton daimona eau tou (True to his own spirit)." — Jim Morrison (Père Lachaise Cemetery, Paris).
"Confusion will be my epitaph / As I crawl a cracked and broken path..." — King Crimson.
"Do you see this watch ? On his deathbed, my grandfather sold me this watch." — Woody Allen.
"I don't want to be immortal through my works. I want to be immortal by not dying." — Woody Allen.
"Once in one's life, for one mortal moment, one must make a grab for immortality; if not, one has not lived." — Silvester Stallone.
"I have moved. New address: cemetery. I'm looking forward to visitors." — Newspaper add by Roland Jacob (1950-2006), Switzerland.
"Végre nem butulok tovább (I've finally stopped getting dumber)." — Suggested epitaph of Paul Erdos.
"Keep Looking Up was my life's admonition
I can do little else in my present position." — Jack Horkheimer (1938-2010), astronomer.
"I intend to live forever — so far, so good." — Stephen Wright.
Here's a good site for more gravestone quotes.
"The reason so many people showed up at his funeral was because they wanted to make sure he was dead." — Samuel Goldwyn (1882—1974), Polish-American film producer. Referring to fellow film producer Louis B. Mayer.
"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." — Kehlog Albran, The Profit.
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours." — Yogi Berra.
"The first thing you should do when you get up is read the obituaries. You never know when you'll see a name that will just make your day." — Ed Salisbury.
"On New Year's Day, I made a resolution to live every day like it was my last. It worked well, until I realized that I was flat broke and the owner of 253 pre-paid funeral plans." — Kevin Kee.
"I think you should live your life so that the maximum number of people will attend your funeral." — Scott Adams.
"Why is it that we rejoice at a wedding and cry at a funeral ? It is because we are not the person involved." — Mark Twain.
"What need is there to weep over parts of life? The whole of it calls for tears." — Seneca (4BC-65), Roman philosopher.
"I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying 'You're next'. They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals." — scirDSL.
"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." — Garrison Keillor.
"Life's too short for a funeral." — Bill Smith, cook aboard the 1902 Scottish National Antarctic Expedition.
"I swear on my dead relatives — and even on the ones who are not feeling too good."
"Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears." — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it." — Bumper sticker.
"Where there's a will, there's a won't."
"You do inherit half of my genetic capital. Period." — Seen in a will.
"People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for it too."
"Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons." — Bertrand Russell.
"The object of war is not to die for your country, but make the other son-of-a-bitch die for his." — General Patton.
"If you want to survive the war, become the war." — John Rambo, US philosopher.
"War is cruelty. There's no use trying to reform it. The crueler it is, the sooner it will be over." — William Tecumseh Sherman.
"There are so many, and our country is so small, where will we find room to bury them all ?" — A finnish soldier about the invading russians, 1939.
"'Liberty or Death' is a false dichotomy, and a phrase that can only be repeated by someone that has never had to make that choice. You don't win wars by dying, you win them by living." — Anonymous.
"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it." — Oscar Wilde.
"A dead man doesn't fight wars." — Venetian proverb.
"Find what you love and let it kill you." — Charles Bukowski.
"You can't say civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you a new way." — Will Rogers (1879—1935), US actor and humorist.
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
"Most people would rather die than think. Many do." — Bertrand Russell.
"I'm for a stronger death penalty." — George W. Bush.
"In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal."
"You can't hug a child with nuclear arms !" — Bumper sticker...
"...but napalm will surely warm their hearts..." — ...written below.
"Remember kids, once you have pulled the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend."
"When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a skull."
"Peace /n/: A rare state which has only existed when a despot has been fearsome or strong enough to impose it. The image of your head on the end of a stick is a strong incentive toward 'visualizing world peace'." — Boyd Rice.
"My mom, out of the blue, asked me if I ever thought of joining the army and was like 'I don't approve of that, but you might like it' and I was like 'approve of what?' so she was like 'you know, killing people'." — Bring.
"The human population is 90% gullible, violence-prone dipshits." — Scott Adams.
"Guns don't kill people. But people who kill people sure seem to like guns an awful lot." — Jim Rosenberg.
"A bullet may well have your name written on it, but a grenade simply says: 'To whomever it may concern'."
"Our guns don't kill people. Bullets do. Our guns just make the bullets go really fast." — George Nemeyer.
"Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the one holding it." — Mr. Greenfatigues.
"I have a 45 and a shovel. I doubt anyone will miss you." — Clueless.
"No innocent man buys a gun, and no happy man writes his memoirs." — Garrison Keillor.
"What's the difference between me and cancer ?
My dad didn't beat cancer."
"Cigarettes don't kill people — cancer kills people." — R.M. Weiner.
"One day that Indian weed will kill more white men, than white men have killed Indians." — Daniel Waterhouse about tobacco in The System of the World.
"It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life." — Jackie Mason.
"Someone asked me what three things I would save if my house was on fire. I said my cat, my salamander and one of the twins." — Ricky Gervais.
"Best new auto safety feature: a giant spike in the middle of the steering wheel — just watch how carefully people drive !"
"Everybody knows that the great russian poet Maiakovski commited suicide. What is not so well known is that his last words were: 'Comrads, don't shoot'..." — Fred Botten.
"One of my favorite games when I was a kid was 'murder/suicide'. Dad would show us a photo and ask us: 'Is it a murder or a suicide ?'" — Colleen Doran.
"A murderer is just an extroverted suicide." — Monty Python.
"Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism."
"My failed suicide attempt just managed to piss off my dad, who said: 'Would it kill you to do something right for a change ?'" — mayboy.
"At least Ian Curtis died doing what he loved: killing himself."
"Save the planet, kill yourself." — Bumper sticker.
"I will commit suicide or die trying."
"Her cover version of Smells Like Teen Spirit is the reason Kurt killed himself." — Courtney Love about Tori Amos.
"The hardest part of suicide for me was that my loved one was murdered, and my loved one was the murderer. The sadness and anger tear at you."
"Suicide doesn't end the pain. It just transfers it to other people."
"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is, or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy." — Albert Camus (1913—60) French existentialist writer, The Myth of Sisyphus.
"As soon as one does not kill oneself, one must keep silent about life." — Albert Camus (1913—60) French existentialist writer, Notebooks.
"Support your local medical examiner: die strangely."
"How do you get a goth out of a tree ? Cut the rope." — freshmint.
"One day my gf and I were watching TV, when the news reports came on talking about how there were suicide bombers in london, and how they destroyed the transit system. The news reporters said that these bombing were similar to the previous suicide bombings from a week before. Then my gf turns to me and asks, "Do you think that they are the same suicide bombers ?" — Codegen.
"Wouldn't you say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem ? I'm a Buddhist, I'd say suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem."
"I will commit suicide or die trying." — andy.
"The Iraqis have hundreds of seasoned suicide bombers." — Fox News report.
"When you go to drown yourself always take off your clothes, they may fit your wife's next husband." — Gregory Nunn.
"Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." — George Bernard Shaw.
"It is good to die before one has done anything deserving death." — Anaxandides (250bc), Spartan ruler.
"Nobody will say on their deathbed: 'I wish I had spent more time in the office'."
"Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we shall die." — Imhotep (2667-2648BCE), egyptian architect, physician, chancellor and all around genius.
"I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house and be above ground than reign among the dead." — Achilles' ghost, "The Odyssey".
"You know your life is over when you own a lawnmower." — Todd Skinner.
"A safe can't walk behind a hearse."
"When you were born, you cried, and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a manner that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice." — Indian Proverb.
"Man is born crying. When he has cried enough, he dies." — Kyoami in Ran (Akira Kurosawa).
"All stories, if continued far enough, end in death." — Hemmingway.
"Who would not shudder if he were given the choice of eternal death or life again as a child ? Who would not choose to die ?" — St. Augustine.
"Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." — Mark Twain.
"Learn this well: While I am alive, you are my enemy, Death." — Graffiti on a wall of Pompeii.
"Jesus is dead, Marx is dead, Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself." — Tee-shirt.
"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there." — Steve Jobs (1955-2011).
"We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse" — Bumper sticker.
"Life's a beach, and then you drown." — Bumper sticker.
"Life's a bitch, but look at the alternative..."
"You don't need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute to skydive twice."
"CPR always lasts a lifetime."
"Do not regret growing older, it is a privilege denied to many."
"I'm going to live forever, or die trying !" — Spider Robinson.
"I'm going to live forever, or die trying !" — Spider Robinson.
"In the event that I am reincarnated, I would like to return as a deadly virus, in order to contribute something to solve overpopulation." — Prince Philip.
"The is nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." — Jack E. Leonard.
"Not everyone considers the maximum extension of their life as the greatest achievement they can make."
"Dying is the last thing I want to do."
"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact." — Elon Musk.
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped." — Groucho Marx in A Day at the Races.
"They say you die twice: once when you take your final breath, and again when someone says your name for the last time." — Banksy.
"I'm so not ready to die. It petrifies me. I go alone. I go to a place I don't know. It might be painful. It might be the end. My thought is that it is the end. I become nameless, and I spent a lifetime being known." — William Shatner, 73, pondering mortality at a TV Critics Association Meeting in Los Angeles.
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." — Ashley Montagu.
"Without the threat of death, there's no reason to live... at all." — Marilyn Manson.
"Those who live by the sword die by the arrow."
"I'll kill anyone who gets in the way of me killing anyone." — Yellowbeard.
"If you're frightened of dying and then you're holding on you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth." — Jacob's Ladder.
"Life sucks, but Death swallows !"
"Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies." — Adrienne Gusoff.
"I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it." — kate_winslat.
"If there is a god, he will ask to beg my forgiveness." — Carved into a concentration camp cell by a jewish prisoner.
"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it." — Bumper sticker.
"Walt disney is not dead: He's in suspended animation."
"She's dead, Jim. Now get off her."
"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them."
"Kill for the love of killing ! Kill for the love of Kali !" — Hindu saying.
"You can't kill me, I've got a magic... AAAARGH !" — Many a great king's last words, according to Terry Pratchett.
"I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'" — Zach Galifianakis (1969-), american actor.
"If you give me six lines written by the most honest man, I will find something in them to hang him." — Cardinal Richelieu (1585-1642).
"Dead people are all on the same level." — Charles Starkweather (1938-1959), serial killer.
"To win any battle, you must fight as if you are already dead." — Miyamoto Musashi.
"A matador is a guy who didn't have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer." — Scott Adams.
"If it doesn't kill you, you'll learn from it. If it does kill you, I'll learn from it"
"If man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live."
"So apparently the 'turn it off and back on again' method doesn't work for life support machines."
"Rugby Players Eat Their Dead." — Bumper sticker.
"It's from a girl, it's bullshit... besides, if someone were to shoot me onstage, what a nice footnote to rock'n'roll history." — Courtney Love commenting on a death threat.
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
"I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work for no reason."
"I once had a brush with mortality. The brush died."
"I once had a brush with mortality. Tasted like chicken."
"You're working hard, I'm not, and in 100 years, we'll both be dead." — Wally (from Scott Adams' Dilbert strip).
"In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'." — Scott Adams.
"I have lived with the prospect of an early death for the last 49 years. I'm not afraid of death, but I'm in no hurry to die. I have so much I want to do first. I regard the brain as a computer which will stop working when its components fail. There is no heaven or afterlife for broken down computers; that is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark." — Stephen Hawking.
"When I hear somebody sigh: 'Life is hard', I am always tempted to ask: 'Compared to what ?'..." — Sydney J. Harris.
"You can divide people into two groups: the part severed above the waist, and the part severed below." — Kim Moser.
"A necromancer is just a really late healer."
"Half of all adults in the United States say they have considered registering as an organ donor, although only some have purchased a motorcycle to show that they're really serious about it."
"Everyone enjoys cracking open a cold one every once in a while..."
"I like people who can't die in their bed." — Erri De Luca, italian climber and writer.
"If we're bringing up kids that are so stupid that they kill themselves because of a song, what good are the kids in the first place ?" — Marilyn Manson.
"If I had my life to live over I'd like to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual trouble, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones. You see, I'm one of those people who live sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel ligther that I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds, I would pick more daisies." — Nadine Stair.
"According to your medical checkup, you are dead." — A doctor to René Desmaison after he was rescued off the north face of Grandes Jorasses, having spent 342 hours without food or water.
"The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on." — Joseph Heller, Catch-22.
"Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead." — Euripides.
"One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged." — Heinrich Heine (1797-1856).
"If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment." — Douglas Jerrold (1803-1857).
"If you're driving a hearse with a corpse in the back, is it ok to use the carpool lane on the highway ?"
"Dyin' ain't much of a livin'." — [The outlaw] Josey Wales.
"According to Iranian Law, legal age for an execution is 15 for a boy and 9 for a girl..."
"Never worry about your heart until it stops beating."
"It's too bad she won't live. But then again, who does ?" — Edward James Olmos speaking the last line in Blade Runner..
"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't." — Bumper sticker.
"Where life had no value, death, sometimes, had its price. That is why the bounty killers appeared." — Intro to Sergio Leone's For a few more dollars.
"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming 'Wow! What a Ride!'" — Hunter S. Thompson.
"Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor." — Scott Adams.
"Someone once asked Asimov what he'd do it he knew this would be the last day of his life: Type faster."
"One thinks one's something unique and wonderful at the center of the universe, when in fact one's just a slight interruption in the ongoing march of entropy." — Aldous Huxley, Island.
"It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life." — Irish Proverb.
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." — Bumper sticker.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional."
"Anyone that makes it to old age is at least part coward." — Grampa Simpson.
"How do you know when you're getting old—?
When you feel a sharp pain in your chest, you look down, and you're standin' on your titty."
"God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever."
"Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician."
"Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone."
"Yesterday we had to pull the plug on my grandma, I needed the outlet for my laptop." — vintendo.
"Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common ?
A: They're both filled with stiffs — except one's coming and one's going."
"Live long and prosper — just don't let the IRS know."
"I refuse to believe that corporations are people until Texas executes one." — DemocraticUnderground's Earth First.
"The only people in hospital whose conditions ought to be described as stable are those in the mortuary."
"It's better to be tried by twelve than carried by six." — Old Adage.
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." — Joe Louis.
"Life isn't fair. It's fairer than death, is all." — End of The Princess Bride.
"Useless facts #9242: No American has died of old age since 1951. That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates."
"Your worst day when you're alive is better than your best day when you're dead."
"He was the sort of person whose personality would be greatly improved by a terminal illness."
"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students." — Bumper sticker.
"Hypocrite /n./: a man who murdered both his parents, and then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan." — Ambrose Bierce.
"Here's the plan: When I find myself at death's door, I'm going to ring the doorbell and run like mad." — Joseph Moore.
"My grandfather just died. In a way I'm quite proud of him. He died having sex to my grandma, he is 93 years old and was getting his thing on. Anyways my grandma said 'We were doing it on sunday morning, it was sunday cause he could use the church bells to pace himself'. I think he would be alive today if an icecream van hadn't gone past." — Mitlancer.
"Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon." — Susan Ertz.
"I'm immortal... so far." — Earle Robinson.
"I like to look on the bright side: Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive." — Scott Frank.
"There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbours might say." — Cyril Connolly (1903-74) British journalist.
"I am so old that when I was young the Dead Sea was only sick."
"Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake !"
"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him." — Mark Twain.
"Sometimes I'll stand on top of my apartment balcony railing, close my eyes, tilt my head skyward, stretch my arms out and think to myself: This always ends badly. Why do I keep doing this ?" — Brad Osberg.
"I'll bet in Heaven they have one single word that means 'back when I was alive'. You know, to save time in meetings and stuff." — Derek Littlefield.
"I'd rather DIE than go to heaven." — William Murderface.
"There will be sleeping enough in the grave." — Proverb.
"They told him to throw down his sword and return to the Earth... Hah! Time enough for the Earth in the grave." — From the movie Conan the Barbarian.
"The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long. And you have burned so very very brightly, Roy." — Tyrell in Blade Runner.
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." — Johnny Carson.
"Eat healthy, stay fit, carry a handgun, die anyway."
"Seeing a murder on television... will help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some." — Alfred Hitchcock.
"Merdering sprees are for Frenchmen with diarrhea." — Dedeurmetdebaard.
"Q: If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do ?
A: Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." — Woody Allen, Without Feathers.
"The graveyards are full of indispensable men." — Charles DeGaulle.
"Homicide, /n./ The slaying of one human by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he died by one kind or another — the classification is for the advantage of the lawyers." — Ambrose Bierce.
"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous..." — Robert Benchley.
"Some people call them 'cars' or 'trucks'; I call them 'dimensional transmogrifiers' because they change three-dimensional cats into two-dimensional ones." — F. Frederick Skitty.
"Support the American Kidney Foundation. Don't wear your motorcycle helmet."
"When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil."
"Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors." — Walter Winchell.
"I always wanted to be somebody. I see now that I should have been more specific." — Lily Tomlin.
"Don't think of them as obituaries; think of them as love classifieds for necrophiliac morticians !" — LordKasreyn.
"Nothing is so good for the moral of the troops as to occasionally see a dead general." — Field Marshall Slim.
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers." — Emo Phillips.
"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain." — Stephen Wright.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol." — Stephen Wright.
"Life is a sexually transmitted, fatal disease..."
"Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive."
"Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular."
"Old age is the only disease you don't look forward to being cured of." — From Citizen Kane, 1941.
"Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened." — Terry Pratchett.
"Live every day as if it were your last. Because one day, you'll be right."
"Although the time of death is approaching me, I am not afraid of dying and going to Hell or (what would be considerably worse) going to the popularized version of Heaven. I expect death to be nothingness and, for removing me from all possible fears of death, I am thankful to atheism." — Isaac Asimov, "On Religiosity".
"Those who think they have not time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness." — Edward Stanley, the Earl of Derby, 1873.
"When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts, you can be sure you're dead." — Herbert Achternbusch.
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." — Jack Handley.
"Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car from Avis again." — Herbie Sperling, when asked about the two pistols and an axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his rented car.
"Time marks us while we are marking time." — Theodore Roethke.
"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead." — Albert Einstein.
"If a man says he isn't scared of dying is either a liar or a ghurka." — Field Marshal Sam Manekshaw.
"You might argue that my example is bad because Einstein is dead. But according to physicist Erwin Schrodinger, Einstein is neither dead nor alive until we dig him up and open the casket. If he's alive, he might want his brain back, which I understand is in a Ziplock bag in some guy's freezer. And this is a perfect example of why examples always distract from the main point." — Scott Adams.
"He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival." — Scott Adams.
"You already barely exist. Disappearing entirely won't be that much of a change." — Scott Adams.
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure." — Clarence Darrow (1857—1938), US lawyer.
"I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers." — Rudyard Kipling (1865—1936), Indian-born British writer. Writing to a magazine that had mistakenly published an announcement of his death.
"...that great lover of peace, a man of giant stature who moulded, as few other men have done, the destinies of his age." — Jawaharlal Nehru (1889—1964), First Indian prime minister. Referring to Stalin. Obituary tribute, Indian Parliament, 9 Mar 1953.
"The Earth is degenerating these days. Bribery and corruption abound. Children no longer mind their parents, every man wants to write a book, and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching." — Assyrian Stone Tablet, c.2800BCE
"The descent to Hades is the same from every place." — Anaxagoras.
"And when you kill a man, you're a murderer
Kill many, and you're a conqueror
Kill them all... Ooh... Oh you're a god !" — Megadeth.
"It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees." — Dolores Ibarruri (1895-?)
"The value of life is not the length of it but the use we make of it." — Michel de Montaigne (1533—1592)
"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart." — Confucius (c.550-c.478 BC)
"Great deeds are usually wrought at great risks." — Herodotus.
"In the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." — Abraham Lincoln.
"Don't try to add more years to your life. Better add more life to your years." — Blaise Pascal (1623-1662).
"I wouldn't mind dying — it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me." — R. Geis.
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman ?" — Woody Allen.
"The old man has his death before his eyes; the young man behind his back." — Proverb.
"You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever."
"We have no reliable guarantee that the afterlife will be any less exasperating than this one, have we ?" — Noël Coward (1899—1973), British dramatist.
"We sometimes congratulate ourselves at the moment of waking from a troubled dream; it may be so the moment after death." — Nathaniel Hawthorne (1804-64), US novelist and writer.
"After your death you will be what you were before your birth." — Arthur Schopenhauer (1788—1860), German philosopher.
"I was dead for millions of years before I was born and it never inconvenienced me a bit." — Mark Twain.
"Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line !" — From the movie Princess Bride.
"May you spend two hours in heaven before the devil finds out you're dead." — Saying.
"Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string."
"Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to kill him." — Gus McLeavy, Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac.
"I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear." — Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
"This instinct does not always pay off in the modern world; for example, possums scavenging roadkill may use it in response to the threat posed by oncoming traffic, and subsequently end up as roadkill themselves." — About 'playing possum'.
"Q: What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnheart have in common?
A: Their last big hit was 'The Wall'."
"100 000 lemmings can't be wrong."
"Sky-diving: good till the last drop."
"I'd tell you about Jonestown but the punchline is too long."
"There is a big difference between just being miserable and dying." — W. E. Whitaker.
"I played poker with tarot cards once. I got a full house and three people died." — shigelojoe.
"I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend I've found my dog, then I tell them to kill him anyway because I already threw away all his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humour." — ZoK.
"If you go to Heaven without being naturally qualified for it you will not enjoy yourself there." — George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950), Irish dramatist and critic.
"Heaven, as conventionally conceived, is a place so inane, so dull, so useless, so miserable, that nobody has ever ventured to describe a whole day in heaven, thought plenty of people have described a day at the seaside." — George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950), Irish dramatist and critic.
"Only when a tree has fallen can you take the measure of it. It is the same with a man." — Anne Morrow Lindbergh.
"Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone." — Pablo Picasso.
"How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are going to be dead." — Pryor's Observation.
"It's not that life is so short... It's that you're dead so long." — Mark Whetu.
"Life is not short: it's the longest thing you do !"
"I am a humanist, which means, in part, that I have tried to behave decently without any expectation of regards or punishments after I'm dead." — Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007).
"Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down — hence the expression 'to get fired'."
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice ?" — Stephen Wright.
"If there is a meaning to life, why do we all have to die ?"
"Why shouldn't we speak ill of the dead ? They are the only people who can't sue us."
"If I had known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself."
"My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go back and dig her up."
"If a lawyer and your mother-in-law were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go watch television or just have a drink ?"
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." — A letter to a dead person from the Greenville County, SC Department of Social Services.
"They're all dead. They just don't know it yet." — From the movie The Crow.
"3 millions for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher ? For 3 millions you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to satan in person." — Frankie Boyle.
"Most people willingly accept that they will die, yet they will kill each other to live a day longer." — U.Sov., Conversation On Humanity (1997).
"Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back." — Marcus Aurelius (121-180), roman emperor
"Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones." — Marcus Aurelius (121-180), roman emperor
"Sometimes I get really depressed and I think life isn't worth living. Then I look around and see all the wonder and miracles around me and I realize life is worth living... Just not my life." — Lili Von Schtupp.
"For those of you who think we are descendants from those cavemen who stood and fought with dinosaurs, you must be nuts, we are descendants from the ones who ran like hell to live." — BlackPowder Bill, While thinking one night (1975).
"All extremists should be taken out and shot."
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
"Health /n./ The slowest possible rate at which one can die."
"The quickest way to a man's heart is not through the stomach but through his chest... with an axe."
"Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy."
"What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die ?"
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy. In a jar. On my desk." — Stephen King.
"Call me a coward, but I've actually dealt with the whole idea of staring death in the eye, and it is over-rated." — greyhueofdoubt.
"What do the movies Titanic and the 6th sense have in common ? Icy dead people..." — mysevenyearitch.
"If I can make just one person laugh, then it must've been a pretty good eulogy." — Wade Kwon.
"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it." — George Carlin.
"Property is theft. Nobody 'owns' anything. When you die, it all stays here." — George Carlin.
"I'd like to die like my father died... My father died fucking. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time." — Richard Pryor.
"I put the Laughter in Slaughter."
"You can't shoot me; I have a very low threshold for death." — Jimmy Bond, Casino Royale.
"A lightning strike in the Democratic Republic of Congo killed all 11 members of one soccer team while leaving the opposing team in the match untouched, leading to accusations of witchcraft by the survivors."
"Didja ever notice that a dead high school jock is a 'tragedy', but a dead high school geek is just dead ?" — David Rosenfeld.
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." — Mel Brooks.
"Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play ?"
"What is it about a man's cell phone going off in a theater that makes him look more and more like Abe Lincoln ? — Jerry L. Embry.
"85% of the men who die while having sex, die with someone other than their spouse."
"I want to be remembered after I die. That's why I try to borrow 5 bucks from everybody I meet. I mean, face it, I'm never gonna be president or anything." — Mystic7.
"Fulfillment in life is loving a good woman and killing a bad man." — Robert A. Heinlein.
"He'd make a lovely corpse." — Charles Dickens (1812—70), British novelist.
"I don't hate you. I just hope your next period happen in a shark tank."
"No one is a virgin, life screwed us all."
"He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to him when he died." — Clue narrator.
"Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead."
"Want to know what happens after death ? Go look at some dead things." — Dave Enyeart.
"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero." — Fight Club narrator.
"You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else, and we are all part of the same compost pile." — Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club.
"The loser of a knife fight dies on scene. The winner dies in a hospital."
"After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me: 'Maybe life isn't for everyone'." — Larry Brown.
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
"When everything else failed, we can still become immortal by making an enormous blunder..." — John Kenneth Galbraith.
"I'll be mellow when I'm dead." — Weird Al Yankovic.
"He who fears not death is immortal.
He who feels no pain is relentless."
"A real patriot will die on their 65th birthday."
"Doc Kevorkian for White House Physician !" — Bumper Sticker.
"Every man dies. Not every man really lives." — Mel Gibson in Braveheart.
"Everything I need to know about life I got from killing smart people and eating their brains." — Helmet Sticker.
"The last thing we'll hear is some scientist saying 'It works!'" — Jon Stewart about how the world will end.
"— You know," said Arthur, "it's times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young."
"— Why, what did she tell you ?"
"— I don't know, I didn't listen." — The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
"Live by your favorite quote."
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