"It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations." — Winston Churchill.
The following are humorous (and sometimes serious too) quotes gathered from the Web, Usenet's personal .sig and other sources. Since it's all a big rip-off, I am assuming no copyright whatsoever. I don't even guarantee that they are accurate. Now that you've been warned, enjoy.
"Something tells me that they probably screwed up and named Murphy's Law after the wrong guy." — Doug Finney.
"Everybody must believe in something.... I believe I'll have another drink." — Murphy (of Murphy's law fame).
"enythink thiT ken Go rong willl." — Morfy's law.
"A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries."
"Danm my spel cheker,"
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where did I go wrong ?'
Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night'." — Charlie Brown.
"You can't fall off the floor." — Paul's Law.
"If we see light at the end of the tunnel it is probably the light of an oncoming train. — Robert Lowell (1917-77), US poet.
"Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens."
"Virtue is its own punishment."
"If the shoe fits, it's ugly."
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth." — Erma Bombeck.
"Fools you are who say you like to learn from your mistakes. I prefer to learn from the mistakes of others, and avoid the cost of my own." — Otto von Bismarck.
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who haven't got it." — Bernard Shaw.
"A closed mouth gathers no feet."
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." — Mark Twain.
"Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with..."
"The world is run by C students."
"Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"On the other hand, you have different fingers." — Steven Wright.
"You know that the outhouse is in the right place if it seems too close in summer and too far in winter."
"When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say."
"Maybe I'm too cynical. Or maybe I'm just cynical enough. It's hard to tell the difference." — Scott Adams.
"It's like dèjà vu all over again." — Yogi Berra.
"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." — Robert A. Heinlein.
"The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes." — Stephen Wright.
"When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane." — Stephen Wright.
"If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn ?" — Stephen Wright.
"Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway."
"Everyone is a genius. It is just that some people are too stupid to realize it."
"The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up." — Paul Valery.
"Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date."
"You find it offensive. I find it funny... That's why I'm happier than you."
"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something." — Plato.
"Princess Diana is the perfect metaphor for a land mine: easily laid, difficult and expensive to get rid of." — Christopher Hitchens.
"Freedom is just chaos, with better lighting."
"All I ask from life is that I be slightly less miserable than the people who hate me. I call that winning." — Scott Adams.
"You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them."
"Fill what's empty; empty what's full; scratch where it itches."
"The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests."
"Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
"Omniscience: Talking only about things you know about."
"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either." — Scott Adams.
"Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it." — Scott Adams.
"I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem." — Scott Adams.
"On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key." — Scott Adams.
"I ask for so little. And boy do I get it." — Scott Adams.
"It never pays to mix reality with inspirational speeches." — Scott Adams.
"The key to happiness is self-delusion." — Scott Adams, Another Day in Cubical Paradise.
"Dumber than a Yugo full of anvils." — Scott Adams.
"I go through life like Helen Keller in a room full of Rubik's Cubes." — Scott Adams.
"The paradigm shifted without a clutch." — Scott Adams.
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
"If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one."
"Treading on thin ice is safer than trying to walk on water."
"You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them."
"If it's true that: 'Early to bed and early to rise makes you healthy, wealthy, and wise', why are chickens so poor and stupid ?" — Tim Chambers.
"Why doesn't anyone bottle water in Summer, Fall, or Winter ?" — Tim Chambers.
"Why did Shakespeare use so many famous quotations in his work ?"
"If you learn from your mistakes, then why ain't I a genius ?!"
"Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these." — Ovid (43 BC-18 AD).
"There are only two ways of telling the complete truth: Anonymously and posthumously." — Thomas Sowell.
"I was more nervous than a fan store owner with a comb-over." — Scott Adams.
"If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long ?"
"Qui pisse loin ménage ses chaussures"
"All paid employments absorb and degrade the mind." — Aristotle.
"Oh, you hate your job ? Why didn't you say so ? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar." — Drew Carey.
"Fix the Box Instead of Thinking Outside Of It."
"Joking takes people's minds off the fact that being on call is the modern equivalent of being chained to an oar." — Hal Porter.
"You're young and you got your health, what do you want with a job ?" — From the movie Raising Arizona.
"Their theory: 'No work, no pay'.
My rule: 'No pay, no work'."
"Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday..."
"Don't waste time... procrastinate now !"
"I wrote a todo list. Now I can procrastinate more efficiently."
"If you don't like your job, you don't quit, you just go in every day and do it really half ass, that's the American way." — Homer Simpson.
"If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly."
"Dance like it hurts, Love like you need money, Work only when people are watching." — Scott Adams.
"Job satisfaction is what people feel right before they die from stress-related problems." — Wally (Scott Adams).
"We will continue having meetings until until we find out why no work is being done."
"If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'." — Dave Barry.
"A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours." — Milton Berle.
"Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion." — Cyril Nortcote Parkinson.
"You're working hard, I'm not, and in 100 years, we'll both be dead." — Wally (from Scott Adams' Dilbert strip).
"Businesses used to be like Christianity; if you were faithful and obedient, you could obtain bliss in the afterlife of retirement. Now its more of a reincarnation model. If a worker learns enough in his current job, he can progress to a higher level of employment elsewhere." — Scott Adams.
"In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'." — Scott Adams.
"Teamwork is what you call it when you trick other people into ignoring their priorities in favor of yours." — Scott Adams.
"Never take a beer to a job interview."
"Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
"If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I'm not at work anymore."
"If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the land with sticks and transporting goods on our backs." — William Feather.
Right: Do you seriously think your job sucks ?!?
"About a third." — Correct answer to: 'How many people work in your company ?'.
"If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles." — Doug Larson.
"During job interviews, when they ask: 'What is your worst quality ?', I always say: 'Flatulence'. That way I get my own office." — Dan Thompson
"I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got !"
"Marketing is what you do when your product is no good." — Edwin Land.
"If I could lie, I would be in marketing." — Dilbert.
"My Philosophy is that anything worth doing is too hard." — Wally (of Scott Adams' Dilbert strip).
"1) Enjoy your job.
2) Work within the law.
3) Make lots of money." — Choose any two.
"Work is punishment for failing to procrastinate effectively." — Tink.
"There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there." — Indira Gandhi.
"The CEO's job in a huge company is essentially the same as the Magic 8 Ball: saying yes, no, or maybe, without the benefit of understanding the questions." — Scott Adams (of dilbert fame).
"There are two essential rules of management. One: the customer is always right. Two: they must be punished for their arrogance !" — Scott Adams, Another Day in Cubical Paradise.
"Management /n/ unskilled labor without the labor." — Scott Adams.
"The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made." — Jean Giraudoux.
"Practice makes perfect, but no one's perfect — so why practice ?" — Billie Joe Armstrong.
"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work." — Robert Orben.
"It's not whether you win or lose; it's how you place the blame."
"In business, you can be on the right track, but if you don't move fast enough you'll still be run over."
"Most born executives are people with a parent who started the business."
"The biggest guns in most corporations are those who have never been fired."
"A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course."
"Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero."
"The first myth of management is that it exists."
"Talent does what it can; genius does what it must; I do what I am paid to do."
"You know you are over the hill when work is less fun and fun is more work."
"Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas."
"Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else."
"There's no 'I' in team. But there's no 'U' either."
"A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction."
"Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called 'Bureaucracy'. Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses."
"My contribution to productivity at my job is to refrain from giving my co-workers the severe beatings they so richly deserve." — Gene B.
"So I had this dream yesterday that I was at work... no, wait... I was dreaming yesterday while I was at work. Yeah, that's it. Anyway, long story short: Anybody know of a job opening for a security guard ?" — Steiner Sellers.
"Word to the wise: When composing an e-mail message to your boss from home late at night, be sure to take inventory of the empty beer cans around you before you press 'send'." — Jumpin' Jack Reynolds.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off and also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Amen." — Office prayer.
"I think you should profit from the mistakes of others. You don't live long enough to make them all yourself."
"No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck."
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear." — Bumper sticker.
"The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe."
"We have all been to those meetings where someone wants 'more than 100%'. Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future. How does one achieve 100% in LIFE ? Begin by noting the following: if A=1, B=2... Z=26. Then:
H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%
K N O W L E D G E =
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%
But interesting (and as you'd expect),
A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%..... This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.
But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is
B U L L S H I T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100% !"
"If it wasn't for the last minute, would anything ever get done ?"
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." — Douglas Adams (1952—2001).
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
"Our unemployment rate would be 1.5 percentage points lower if we had as many people sitting in jail as the United States has." — Werner Mueller, economics minister of Germany, 2002.
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW." — Bumper sticker.
"Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself." — A.H. Weiler.
"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." — Jerome K. Jerome.
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence you tried."
"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."
"If at first you DO succeed, pretend you knew what you were doing !"
"If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything."
"If at first you don't succeed, your successor will."
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."
"If something's hard to do then it's not worth doing." — Homer Simpson.
"If something goes wrong... blame the guy who can't speak English." — Homer Simpson.
"Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." — Homer Simpson.
"The only good thing about failure is that you never have to worry about topping yourself."
"I came; I saw; I fucked up."
"There's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned." — Homer Simpson.
"The three little sentences that will get you through life:
1- Cover for me.
2- Oh, good idea, Boss !
3- It was like that when I got here." — Homer Simpson.
"I used to laugh at my dog: like marking his territory was really gonna keep those other dogs away. But since I started doing it myself, I have to admit that my co-workers seldom come into my cubicle any more." — J. Murphy.
"I don't suffer from stress...... I'm a carrier." — Bumper sticker.
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines" — Stephen Wright.
"Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese" — Stephen Wright.
"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy." — Stephen Wright.
"If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they." — Stephen Wright.
"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something." — Stephen Wright.
"Many people quit looking for work when they find a job." — Stephen Wright.
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot." — Bill Arnett.
Corollary: "Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool."
"If it moves so slowly, why is it called RUSH hour ?"
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance ?" — Charlie McCarthy.
"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D.. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B." — "Fats" Domino.
"Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it." — Lord Mancroft (1917-87), British businessman and writer.
"If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book."
Corollary: "If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live."
"I have just run into your car in the parking lot. Several people are watching me and they think I am writing down my name and number..."
"One of the symptoms of approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. If I were a medical man, I should prescribe a holiday to any patient who considered his work important." — Bertrand Russell (1872—1970) British philosopher, Autobiography.
"The man who is waiting for something to turn up might start on his shirt sleeves." — Garth Henrichs.
"People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened." — John W. Newbern.
"Two Rules For Success:
1) Never tell people everything you know."
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." — Bill Cosby.
"I've found a sure way to relieve office stress:
take a deep breath
count to 10
set the boss' wastebasket on fire."
"Retirement: When you quit working just before your heart does."
"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." — William Shakespeare, Henry VI, Part 2, act ii.
"If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights."
"A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt."
"It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do."
"After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before."
"The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get."
"You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard."
"Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."
"Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss's job."
"When the bosses are talking about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves."
"There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office."
"Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under miscellaneous."
"Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour."
"To err is human, to forgive is not our policy."
"Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing."
"Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail."
"If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it."
"You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk."
"People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't."
"If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done."
"At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying."
"When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried."
"Following the rules will not get the job done."
"Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules."
"When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this ?'"
"No matter how much you do, you never do enough."
"The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong."
Exercise at work:
beat around the bush;
run around in circles;
jump to conclusions;
run away from your problems;
fly off the handle;
climb the corporate ladder;
push a pencil;
strike any key;
"Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about." — Green's law of debate
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."
"In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired."
"When the going gets tough, everyone leaves."
USEFUL WORK PHRASES:
- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- What am I? Flypaper for freaks !?
- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
- Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
- No, my powers can only be used for good.
- How about never? Is never good for you ?
- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
- You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.
- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
- Who me? I just wander from room to room.
- My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
- It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
- At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." — William James (1842—1910)
"Some people are wise, and some are otherwise."
"We used to have village idiots; but now with the Internet, the fuckers have gone global."
"On the internet you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
"The enemy isn't men or women, it's bloody stupid people and no one has the right to be stupid." — Terry Pratchett.
"My brain is like an Internet browser: 12 tabs are open, 5 of them are not responding, there is porn playing somewhere and where the fuck is that annoying music coming from ?"
"Why are wise men, and wise guys the exact opposite ?"
"I think restaurant workers should be allowed to choose whether or not they wash their hands before returning to work, and not have the government tell them what to do. After all who knows more about their bodies, them or the government ?
If you're an anti-vaxxer, this is what you sound like. Stop sounding like a nutcase."
"Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for much, but bring a smile on your face when pushed down the stairs."
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." — George Carlin (1937-2008), US stand-up comedian.
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups." — George Carlin (1937-2008), US stand-up comedian.
"Modern Americans behave as if intelligence were some sort of hideous deformity." — Frank Zappa.
"I love the poorly educated." — Donald Trump, Feb 24 2016.
"A person is smart. People are dumb, stupid, panicky animals, and you know it." — Agent K.
"Courage is knowing it might hurt and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. And that's why life is hard." — Jeremy Goldberg.
"You remind me of a friend I had that wrote me a three page email about how carpal tunnel was killing him." — MobileTatsu.
"If I think too much, it kind of freaks me out." — Pamela Anderson (1967-), professional bimbo.
"I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people's mind. Then I joined facebook and got over that."
"Do you remember, before the internet, it was thought that the cause of collective stupidity was the lack of access to information ?
Well... it wasn't that."
"Very often, people confuse simple with simplistic. The nuance is lost on most." — Clement Mok.
"Don't get my personality and my attitude twisted, because my personality is me, and my attitude depends on you."
"Am I perfect ? No.
But am I striving to be a better person every day ? Also no."
"Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper."
"I was hating hipsters before it was cool."
"People who are smart get into MENSA. People who are really smart look around and leave." — James Randi.
"I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub." — Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during a visit to a London veterans hospital.
"Wherever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock."
"The real problem is not whether machines think, but whether men do." — B.F. Skinner.
"I am amazed, o wall, that you have not collapsed and fallen, since you must bear the tedious stupidities of so many scrawlers." — Graffiti on a wall of Pompeii.
"If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room."
"Many people would sooner die than think. In fact they do." — Bertrand Russell (1872—1970), British philosopher.
"People don't seem to realize that it takes time and effort and preparation to think. Statesmen are far too busy making speeches to think." — Bertrand Russell (1872—1970), British philosopher.
"'Psychic Wins Lottery' wouldn't mean shit. I personally am waiting for the headline that says: 'Psychic asked to stop buying lottery tickets'." — Dunbal.
"All you really need to do to get your mind control working globally is to infiltrate a tinfoil factory..."
"Everyone keeps coming up to me and saying: 'Oh, uhm, I didn't know you were so intelligent'. And well I say: 'I didn't know you were so stupid'." — Marilyn Manson.
"It's important to agree with people if you want them to think you are a genius. For most people, the definition of smart is 'Thinks exactly like me but even more so'." — Scott Adams.
"You can't overestimate the value of low standards" — Scott Adams.
"Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there." — Scott Adams.
"I used to read but making stuff up is faster." — Scott Adams.
"I have a theory that says no one can tell the difference between a GREAT idea and a stupid one... People can often tell the difference between a run-of-the-mill 'GOOD' idea and a bad idea. But GREAT ideas often look identical to stupid ones right up until the moment they work." — Scott Adams.
"There's really no point in listening to other people. They're either going to be agreeing with you or saying stupid stuff." — Scott Adams.
"I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts, but I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked." — Scott Adams.
"One of the many benefits of being a weirdo is that sometimes, entirely by accident, you can end up looking like a visionary." — Scott Adams.
"Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think." — Scott Adams.
"Those who fail to learn the lessons of history... are destined for greatness, because their bullshit is not burdened by reality." — overshoot.
"A mind is a terrible thing to waste... That's why I save it for special occasions."
"Meditation: it's not what you think." — Bumper sticker.
"Sure, I've seen people like you before — but I had to pay an admission."
"Around here, we put the FUN in dysFUNctional."
"You're so open-minded, your brains fell out."
"My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely."
"I have an open mind — it's just closed for repairs."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it." — Stanley Garn.
"It is a far, far better thing to have a firm anchor in nonsense than to put out on the troubled seas of thought." — John K. Galbraith.
"I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest." — Alexandre Dumas the Younger (1824-1895).
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs." — Bumper sticker.
"The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality." — Douglas Porter.
"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." — Emo Phillips.
"The only reason your brain is bigger than your nostril is to stop it falling out."
"It's not Beavis and Butthead's fault that their viewers are as stupid as they are."
"I can't watch TV longer than 5 minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust." — Bill Hicks.
"We know what to get you for Christmas: a double lobotomy and ten rolls of rubber wallpaper." — Nick Rothwell.
"People coming in complaining that their aircraft makes a poor submarine are initially amusing, but become tedious."
"Trust your first impressions. It seems that thinking only confuses you."
"If you can't impress them with intelligence, baffle 'em with bullshit."
"Now's where the sniveling solipsists/philosophic idealist infants start whining about 'How can you KNOW objective reality? Isn't everything appearance?' At which point, I grab a beefy, hardbound copy of Kant's Critique of Pure Reason, and whomp 'em upside the head but good !" — Joseph Moore.
"Reality ? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from ?" — Bumper sticker.
"Reality is whatever refuses to go away after I stop believing in it." — Philip K. Dick.
"Reality: what a concept." — Bumper sticker.
"I reduced my world view to 'people who are important' and 'people who are too stupid to be important'. Everything else is just scenery." — Stuart Booth.
"There is only one thing that can keep growing without nourishment: The human ego." — Marshall Lumsden.
"Q: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy ?
A: I don't know and I don't care." — Norman H. Cohen.
"I'm not saying my dad didn’t love me, but he did like to watch my birth video backwards."
"Arguing with a man who will not produce evidence in support of his position is like arguing with a vegetable." — Aristotle.
"Never argue with idiots. They just drag you down to their level and then beat you with their experience."
"I'm no cactus, but I know a prick when I see one."
"Mind Like A Steel Trap — Rusty And Illegal In 37 States" — Stephen Wright.
"When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded." — Stephen Wright.
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film." — Stephen Wright.
"I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out." — Stephen Wright.
"I like strong opinions, especially when they're mine." — Marsha Clodfelter.
"Unable to buy a clue, unwilling to rent to own." — David DeLaney.
"In a fight between you and the world, back the world." — Franz Kafka (1883—1924)
"I think if I could turn my mind into some kind of amusement park ride, it would be really successful. It scares ME half the time and I know what's in it." — R.M. Weiner.
"I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing !"
"He who laughs last thinks slowest !"
"Been there, done that and have the tee-shirt to prove it."
"If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic."
"Okay, who put a 'stop payment' on my reality check ?"
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"If you have half a mind to watch TV, that is enough."
"I used to have a handle on life, then it broke."
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
"Sanity is like money; you should just have enough to get by. Any more and you turn into a freak." — Ron Echeverri.
"Talent and sensibility clearly don't travel on the same chromosomes." — Ray Everett-Church.
"Sometimes a big jagged fact gets caught up in the Colon of Consciousness, requiring you to use the Enema Kit of Enlightenment." — Travis Ruetenik.
"Every time you think about how dumb the average man is, just remember: by definition, half of them are even dumber than that."
"It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."
"Minds are like parachutes — they only work well when opened."
"Minds are like parachutes — Just because you've lost yours doesn't mean you can borrow mine."
"I don't think I have a long enough attention span to be clinically depressed." — Fran Fruit.
"For sincere personal advice and the correct time: phone any number at random at 3am."
"If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people."
"Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain."
"When your IQ rises to 28, sell." — Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler.
"You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically-abused, cold, dead hand." — Bumper sticker.
"You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." — Al Capone.
"Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius." — Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (1859—1930)
"Genius is one per cent inspiration and ninety-nine per cent perspiration." — Thomas Edison (1847—1931)
"The opinions above are not mine. I stole them all from the person sitting next to me. If you don't like them, I can get you his address and you can kill him."
"The problem with America is stupidity. Why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself ?"
"I mean, being mentally incompetent shouldn't be an argument for the defense, it should be one for the prosecution." — Chad Larson.
"Every once in awhile, walk into a bookstore and buy a magazine devoted to a subject you know nothing about. Read it."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted." — Groucho Marx.
"Operator ! Give me the number for 911 !" — Homer Simpson.
"The mime's opinion was a mute point."
"What is a 'free' gift ? Aren't all gifts free ?"
"I know you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I really meant to say."
"Incontinence hot line, could you please hold..."
"Please do not throw cigarettes in the pissoir. It makes them soggy and difficult to light." — Classic english graffiti.
"The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some." — Bumper sticker.
"Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work." — Gallagher.
"Daylight Savings Time is like cutting the end off of a blanket, sewing it to the other end of the blanket, and claiming to have improved it."
"Of all the awards I've received, this is by far the most recent." — Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"So there's an Amazon river now ? What's next ? Lake Facebook ? Mount Paypal ?" — Bill Hitchert.
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else"
"Aibohphobia /n./ Fear of Palindromes."
"If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from ?"
Q: Is the world sauna champion Finnish ?
A: No, let him cook for another 20 minutes and check again.
"There's three way to do it, the right way, the wrong way... And my way, which is the wrong way, but faster."
"When I consider how sweaters tend to make me sweat, I'm a lot less inclined to wear my windbreaker." — Brad Hamer.
"Yes, English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though." — David Burge.
"How was I supposed to know gasoline didn't put out fires... ?"
"Give a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." — John A. Hrastar.
"Foot /n./ A device for finding furniture in the dark."
"Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
All Flies like poo."
"You never know the true meaning of pacman till you are underaged driving around after curfew with an expired license plate and a broken tailight." — Vision.
"I suppose Steve Irwin should have worn sunblock to protect from harmful rays."
"Always remember that irritation is what allows oysters to create pearls. Thank goodness for oysters because ulcers make crappy necklaces." — Scott Adams.
The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
OK, that's lame, here's another one:
111 111 111 x 111 111 111 = 12 345 678 987 654 321
"My Child Is an Average Student at a So-So School You Never Heard Of." — Bumper sticker.
"My Other Car Also Has This Bumper Sticker."
"Stupidity got us into this mess — why can't it get us out ?" — Will Rogers.
"I know where I am, I've been lost here before !" — Graham Thompson.
"Jack Shit ? Yes, I know him. He lives next door." — Kelly-Erin Powers.
"If you cannot read or understand the information on this safety card, please ask the flight attendant for assistance." — Seen on a card in an airline seat pocket.
Exit /n./ Portion of a means of egress which is separated from all other spaces of the building or structure by construction or equipment as required in this subpart to provide a protected way to travel to the exit discharge.
Exit discharge /n./ That portion of a means of egress between the termination of an exit and a public way. — Occupational Health and Safety Standards.
"You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out." — Why Yawning Is Contagious.
"I've practiced meditation most of my life. It's better than lying around doing nothing." — Tom Sims.
"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."
Synonym /nm./: a word you use when you can't pronounce or spell the other one.
"Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts !"
"Some kid once told me Superman's only weakness was Kryptonite then i lit his comic book on fire and said i guess Bic lighters too." — jHeriKurl.
"Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn." — Attila the Hun.
"History teaches us that we learn nothing from history."
"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." — Winston Churchill.
"I'm certain that the fans of Shakespeare will tell me I would enjoy his work if only I took the time to understand it. But that's like saying I would love polka music if I took the time to translate it in my head into the sound of a band I like." — Scott Adams (of dilbert fame).
"American history starts only around 200 B.C. (Before Calvin)."
"At the grocery store, they have a new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, 'Strip down, face toward me'.
Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble ?"
"$400,000 is a rounding error when purchasing an impressionist painting that adds no value to the world; it merely transfers bragging rights."
"Cigarettes are a much cheaper and more widely available alternative to nicotine patches."
"Welcome to Arizona... NOW GO HOME !" — Bumper sticker.
"If you can't eat it nor fuck it, piss on it." — Dog philosophy.
"When you're hungry, eat.
When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam.
When you go to the vet, pee on your owner." — Cat philosophy (Gary Smith).
"Never buy a pitbull from a one armed man."
"Optimist /nm./: a Yugo owner with a trailer hitch."
"Thesaurus /nm./: a dinosaur with an excellent vocabulary."
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: 'Where's the self-help section ?'
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
"Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light ?"
You know it's gonna be a bad day when...
- the sun comes up in the west.
- you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
- the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
- you put both contact lenses in the same eye.
- your pet rock snaps at you.
- the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
- your income tax refund check bounces.
- you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
- Suicide Prevention puts you on hold...
"When Mr Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday, his children packed his bags and drove him to Golden Pastures retirement complex just off Interstate 95." — Stephen Farnsworth, submission to 2005 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you." — Bumper sticker.
"The world is NOT any worse; it is just that the news coverage is better."
"I'm glad cavepeople didn't invent television, because they would have just sat around and watched talk shows all day instead of creating tools." — Dave James.
"When I was little, I stepped on a nail to see if I could bend it with my bare foot. One tetanus shot later, I came to the conclusion that I was not Superman, but a slightly younger, dumber, fatter Batman." — Zach Patterson.
"Whenever my kids are having trouble at school, I like to tell them about myself when I was a kid. I wasn't very big, I wasn't the smartest, I wasn't the best in sports and, yes, I did get beat-up a lot. Unfortunately, that's where the story ends, so it doesn't usually cheer them up much." — Alf Whit.
"There are basically three kinds of men. There are the ones who learn by reading. Then there are the few who learn by observation. The rest just have to pee on the electric fence for themselves."
"I've been on helicopters, and I like them because they can land just about anywhere. Which is where I want to land the moment they take off." — Mike Royko.
"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win or lose." — Darrin Weinberg.
"People are like sausages: it's what's under the skin that's important. So poke them with a fork periodically."
"Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting."
"Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand."
"Thank you, but I have other plans." — Response to 'Have a nice day' suggested by Paul Fussel.
"A fortunetelling midget escapes from prison. The headline reads 'Small Medium at Large !'"
"If indeed there's no such thing as a stupid question, then how do you explain this one ?" — Ed Smith.
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money ?"
"So, I heard the Fed increased the money supply, but I checked my bank balance and it's the same as before." — Scott Adams.
"Most quotes aren't worth the paper they are printed on." — Scott Adams.
"There's nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms." — Scott Adams.
"I didn't really say all the things I said." — Yogi Berra.
Heaven is where :And one just for you:
the police are British,
the cooks are French,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian,
and all is organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where :
the police are German,
the cooks are British,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss,
and all is organized by the Italians !
"You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash."