Lily Tomlin.
"Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself." — Potter Stewart.
The following are humorous (and sometimes serious too) quotes gathered from the Web, Usenet's personal .sig and other sources (in particular the excellent and original Top5 mailing list). Since it's all a big rip-off, I am assuming no copyright whatsoever. I don't even guarantee that they are accurate. Now that you've been warned, enjoy.
"Love is an evil trick that nature plays on people to get them to breed."
"One makes mistakes; that is life. But it is never a mistake to have loved." — Romain Roland (1866-1944), french writer and Nobel prize winner.
"Q: Do you love me ?
A: What do you think ? That I'm doing pushups ?"
"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question ?" —
"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." — Woody Allen.
"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." — Franklin P. Jones.
"Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage." — Dr. Karl Bowman.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses." — Lord Dewar.
"Love is being stupid together." —
"Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock." —
"Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled." — Harlan Ellison.
"Considering all the evil that exists in the world, the fact that all of religion's condemnation is focused on expressing disapproval of two people loving each other proves just how evil religion is." — Jan deBoer.
"It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all."
"Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another." —
"Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies." —
"MAKE LOVE NOT WAR (see driver for details)" — Bumper sticker.
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." — Anonymous.
"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."
"Love: Two minds without a single thought." — Philip Barry.
"How can I love you if you won't lie down ?"
"Why isn't there some cheap and easy way to prove how much she means to me ?"
"Who would give a law to lovers ? Love is unto itself a higher law." —
"Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin — it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring." —
"Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds." — Johnny Rotten.
"There's no such thing as love. Only proofs of love."
"As my grandfather used to say: 'If we all liked the same thing, the world would be after your grandma'."
"A woman in lust wants chocolate. A woman in love wants diamonds." — From the movie
"Where does the family start ? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl — no superior alternative has yet been found." —
"I own my own body, but I share."
"Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled."
"You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back inside." — Heathcote Williams.
"My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends."
"If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without no middleman." — Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody".
"Some say: 'Love means never having to say you're sorry'. To me, love means never having to hear: 'Where's my friggin' rent, you lazy bastard ?!' in the first place." — John Crocker.
"Never let a kiss fool you, and never let a fool kiss you."
"He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now."
"One good thing about internet dating: you're guaranteed to click with whomever you meet." — Mongo.
"I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soulmate — but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza." — Alf Whit.
"My father started to give me the 'Why don't you find a soulmate ?' speech again the other night. I told him he's been watching too many eHarmony.com commercials. There's no such thing as a soulmate, just an I-tolerate-your crap-because-I-can't-do-any-better-mate." — Jenn McNanna.
"Before I fuck my girlfriend on the hood of my car, I always run the engine for a few minutes to warm it up — because that's the kind of thing you do when you care." — Brad Osberg.
"Trying to describe an orgasm is like trying to describe being in love — you can't do it yet you know exactly what it feels like." — Anonymous.
"Writing is like making love. Don't worry about the orgasm, just concentrate on the process." —
"When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants."
"— If I made love to you, would you yell ?"
"— What do you want me to yell ?" — Benny Hill.
"If the universe has any purpose more important then topping a woman you love and making a baby with her hearty help, I have never heard of it." —
"Lovers, like bees, lead a honey-sweet life." — Graffiti on a wall of Pompeii.
"Never sign a valentine with your own name." —
"See, i'm fully willing to honour 'Valentines day' as long as the female in question honours 'naked nintendo day'." — Rjx.
"Love is also like a coconut which is good while it is fresh, but you have to spit it out when the juice is gone, what's left tastes bitter." —
"Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." — Bertrand Russell (1872—1970), British philosopher,
"Your picture's in my wallet and I'm sitting on it — if that isn't love I don't know what is." — Frank Burns.
"Love conquers all except poverty and toothache." —
"Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the bush, shoot more often and always eat what they shoot."
"Christianity has done a great deal for love by making a sin of it." —
"I do understand what love is, and that is one of the reasons I can never again be a Christian. Love is not self denial. Love is not blood and suffering. Love is not murdering your son to appease your own vanity. Love is not hatred or wrath, consigning billions of people to eternal torture because they have offended your ego or disobeyed your rules. Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that is contingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being." — Dan Barker, "Losing Faith in Faith".
"I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair." — Gore Vidal.
"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, great. If not, it's probably having dinner with someone more attractive than you." — Bill Grieser.
"Tis better to have loved and lost than to live with that bitch/bastard for the rest of your life." — D.C. Moore.
"How do I love thee ? Let me count the ways... uh... never mind. How much do I owe you ?" — Mystic7.
"True love is when your heart sweats in places that regular detergent just won't wash out." — David W. James.
"Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals." — Pierre de Beaumarchais, Le Marriage de Figaro.
"Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it."
"You know there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you." — Jay.
"Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it." —
"I LOVE THIS ONE MORE." — Seen on the T-shirt of a woman walking with twins, with an arrow pointing to the left side.
"'The whole world loves a lover' is an interesting theory, but a very bad legal defense." — Keith Sullivan.
"Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble." — John Barrymore.
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"You know, if you smoke after having sex, you're doing it WAY too fast..."
"Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?"
"Thou shalt not omit adultery."
"Adolescence /n./ The stage between puberty and adultery."
"Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics."
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best." —
"Sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five it's fantastic !" —
"Kinky is using a feather — Perverted is using the whole chicken"
"One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other." —
"Coito ergo sum."
"Healthy, lusty sex is wonderful." —
"Sex is emotion in motion." —
"I consider sex a misdemeanor, the more I miss, de meaner I get." —
"I wonder if young people on honeymoons today have as much sex as we did when I was young. For the first week on our cruise, most people thought my wife and I were Siamese twins." — Jerry L. Embry.
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less." — Brendan Francis.
"You probably think Stephen Hawking is in that wheelchair because of a motor neuron disease. But if you got as much barely-legal student poontang as The Hawkster, you'd be in a wheelchair too." — Scott Adams.
"Fornication /n./ Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with."
"There's a big difference between 'having lots of sex' and 'getting fucked a lot'."
"There's no remedy for sex, except maybe more sex."
![[SheWet.jpg]
Boy, is she wet...](Pics/SheWet.jpg)
"France lost a great novel last night." —
"Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up all night looking for them that does you in." —
"Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up ?"
"Being a non english speaking european, I googled 'getting laid' to find what it means. Google asked me 'Did you mean: getting paid more?'. So even google thinks money is more important..." — Space in your face.
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." — Butch Hancock.
"My wife only likes to have sex in places where there is a risk of getting caught. Well, I have caught her — numerous times, in fact." — Brad Osberg.
"I remember my first sexual encounter because I kept the recipe." —
"I'm in a same sex marriage, ever since we got married, it's the same sex each time."
"To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature."
"Finals are like sex, I get done too quick, and I sit there quiet for an hour thinking about what i did wrong." — Elim.
"I think there are two areas where new ideas are terribly dangerous: economics and sex. By and large, it's all been tried, and if it's really new, it's probably illegal or dangerous or unhealthy." —
"The omnipresent process of sex, as it is woven into the whole texture of a man's or woman's body, is the pattern of all the process of all our life." —
"If God had meant us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs." —
"I own my own body, but I share"
"I feel like my life is a movie. But it's being shown on TV. So all the sex scenes are cut." — @Quasi.
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." —
"The tragedy is when you've got sex in the head instead of down where it belongs." — D.H. Lawrence.
"After the fifth time my girlfriend said: 'Give it to me', I looked her straight in the eye and told her: 'You're asking for it'." — Walter Means.
"I was with a girl once and she pointed and laughed. She said: 'Who do you think you're going to satisfy with THAT&nbp;?'. I said 'Me'." — Blum.
"I have screwed many girls here." — Graffiti on a wall of Pompeii.
"It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married."
"How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers ? Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room."
"No two sexes are alike." — B.C.
"Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either." — Joseph Fischer.
"The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous and the expense damnable." — Earl of Chesterfield.
"I think the people above me are having sex. Either that or they're sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot."
"Sex is natural, but not if it's done right."
"If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to ?" —
"The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image of fulfillment." —
"My wife stopped pretending to have orgasms years ago. That's all right with me, though, because it allowed me to stop pretending that I cared." — Mike Ranston.
"I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock."
"Tell him I've been too fucking busy — or vice versa." —
"I once knew a woman who offered her honor
So I honored her offer
And all night long I was on her and off her."
"Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute ?"
"I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty." — John Waters.
"All this fuss about sleeping together. For physical pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day." —
"Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary." — Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume.
"Sex multiplies the possibilities of desire."
"Her kisses left something to be desired — the rest of her."
"My girlfriend and I had sex during a cross-country train trip. If I'm not mistaken, that makes us members of the Mile Long Club." — Kim Moser.
"There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl."
"It's the good girls that keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time." —
"It's all this cold-hearted fucking that is death and idiocy." —
"There's a difference between fucking and making love. Making love is what I wanna do after you've been nice to me. Nice by fucking me for instance."
"It is not true that sex degrades women... if it is any good." —
"Sex-appeal is the keynote of our whole civilization." —
"My husband's German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me." —
"The art of life lies in taking pleasures as they pass, and the keenest pleasures are not intellectual, nor are they always moral." —
"Proof is arbitrary... unless we're talking about sexual gratification."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy." —
"Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways." — William Shakespeare, Henry IV.
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant." —
"I wouldn't fuck her with your prick."
"Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any."
"Sex is like pizza, even if it's done bad, it's still good."
"I've heard it said that sex is like pizza — even when it's bad, it's still good. I guess what I want to know is where I can call to get it delivered within 30 minutes." — Sean P. McAskill.
"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer."
"There are many ways to say 'I Love You' but Fucking is the fastest."
"If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised." —
"It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses." — Mrs. Patrick Campbell.
"Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me. Then get the fuck out."
"You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."
"Mary had a little lamb. That's what she gets for sleeping in the barn..."
"Q: What's the difference between a hamster and a turtle ?
A: With a turtle you don't need duct tape..."
"When I was a senior in high school we had to make a video and had to have blood packs. The best blood packs are made from condoms. We had the following on the checkout counter: 1 Box of Trojan Magnum condoms, 2 Bottles of Corn oil, 4 Bottles of red food color, 2 Super 8 video cassettes and 1 Roll of duct tape. I have never before gotten weirder looks." — TheDarkOfKnight.
"Bend over, I'll drive." — Bumper sticker.
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off." — Bumper sticker.
"My wife used to like experimenting with all kinds of different sexual positions — until eventually she found one where she can see the TV." — Bob Van Voris.
"The weirdest sexual position I've ever been in definitely has to be: 'Go stand on your head in the closet while I fuck your friend'." — Mike Ranston.
"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." — Matt Groening, from "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in
"I have made love to ten thousand women." —
"Every time you sleep with a boy you sleep with all his old girlfriends." — Government advert warning about AIDS, 1987.
"They say if you have positive thoughts about something, it will happen. Well, I've been thinking positively about my neighbor's 19-year-old daughter, but so far, no luck. I think maybe my wife's negative thoughts are interfering." — Maurizio Mariotti.
"What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how she would look without them." — Brendan Francis.
"From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it." —
"Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got." —
"The only unnatural sex act is one which you cannot perform." —
"Big doesn't necessarily mean better... Sunflowers aren't better than violets."
"Size matters not." — Yoda
"Size matters." — Godzilla
"Whether a long one or a thick one it matters not, as long as it satisfies in abundance !" — Islamic proverb.
"Penis size is not really important. Like they say, it's not the size of the boat, it's the length of the mast divided by the surface area of the mainsail and subtracted from the circumference of the bilge pump. Or something like that." — Donna Untrael.
"I tried setting my hotmail password to 'penis'. It said my password wasn't long enough..."
"I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom." — Rodney Dangerfield.
"Murder is a crime. Describing Murder is not. Sex is not a crime. Describing sex is." —
"Act your age, not your size."
"It's not how you fish, it's how you wiggle your worm."
"A thousand million flies can't be wrong — eat shit."
"Judging from all the gagging and vomiting, I'm guessing the other passengers had never seen somebody eat a bunch of melted Reese's cups before. At least not out of a diaper." — Bob Van Voris.
"My friend Russell takes a dump in a Port-a-Potty and a wrecking ball knocks it over. He's not even hurt, but a lawyer gets him $100,000. He always was a lucky shit." — Jerry L. Embry.
"Imagine my horror when I discovered that the whole movie was basically an endless series of people dying or already dead, their faces locked in expressions of horror and terror. So I double-checked the box and, sure enough, it wasn't 'FECES of Death', it was 'FACES of Death'. But who in the world would want to watch 'Faces of Death' ? That's just sick !" — Clynch Varnadore.
"I bet the people of Gomorrah felt like they got the short end of the stick. After all, they didn't get a perversion named after them." — Mike Miles.
"Be creative: invent a perversion."
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." —
"An erection is like the Theory of Relativity — the more you think about it, the harder it gets."
"I combined my penis with calculus, thinking that would make it incredibly hard. The bad thing is that my girlfriend no longer finds it necessary since her degree is in English." — Tim H. Richweis.
"Oh, man, Bob's making photocopies of his ass agai— BOB, WAIT!! THAT'S THE SHREDDER!!!"
"When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks." — Woman in bed.
"Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'." — George Carlin.
"Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around." — David Lodge.
"Buggery is boring.
Incest is relatively boring.
Necrophilia is dead boring."
"I hate people who let their kids run around naked on the beach... It's hard to hide an erection in swimming trunks." — Squinky.
"What's black and blue and hates sex ? The 7 year old in my trunk."
"Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy." — Linda Festa.
"I love children and would like to have as many as possible. My cell-mate, on the other hand, robbed a convenience store."
"Perverts aren't the leading cause of pedophilia, it's sexy children."
"I'm going to guess that the phrase 'wants children' means something different, depending on whether you're on a dating site, or on alt.sex.lolita. Yes ?"
"I wonder if sex in heaven is considered necrophilia."
"Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
"I always get narcolepsy and necrophilia mixed up — which is the one where I fall asleep in the middle of banging a corpse ?" — Mark D. Sabien.
"I'm specifying in my will that my body be donated to the local necrophiliac's club. At this point, I figure it's my best shot at ever getting laid again." — Christopher Urich.
"Incest /n./ Sibling revelry."
"Incest is fun for the whole family." — Bumper sticker.
"What is wrong with a little incest ? It is both handy and cheap."
"A little girl sees her mum standing in the shower, she points at her boobies and asks 'what's that mum' to which her mum replied 'these are breasts', then the girl asks 'when will i get those', to which her mum replied 'when you're older'. Later she sees her dad in the shower, she points to his penis and asks 'what's that daddy?' to which he replies 'it's a penis'. She asks 'when will i get one of those', the reply is 'when your mother leaves for work'.
"Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone."
"My brain, my second best organ..."
"The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the 'Four F's': fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating." — Unknown neuropsychology professor.
"To go together is blessed, to come together is divine !"
"Every generation thinks that they invented sex." — Andy Grove.
"College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come."
"The man who said 'A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush' has been putting his bird in the wrong bushes."
"It would be less demanding, enslaving, perplexing and strenuous for a healthy male to screw a thousand women in his lifetime than to try to please one, and the potential for failure would be less." —
"I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now."
"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment.
Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals — lions and lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime — fucked along innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." — Alan Sherman, 'The Rape of the A*P*E*'
"A nurse says: 'This won't hurt a bit'. A schoolteacher says: 'We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right'. An airline stewardess says: 'Just hold this over your mouth and nose and breath normally'."
"I think I could fall madly in bed with you..."
"I have an incredible sex drive... my girlfriend lives 200 miles away !"
"The word today is Legs... Spread the word."
"A mistress comes between a mister and his mattress."
"Just my luck — judging by the itching and the rash, I think I'm allergic to prostitutes." — Wiley.
"Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money." —
"L'amour fait proprement est toujours sale."
![[FamilyPlanning.jpg]
Family planning advice: use rear entry](Pics/FamilyPlanning.jpg)
"I bet the people of Gomorrah felt like they got the short end of the stick. After all, they didn't get a perversion or a criminal activity named after them." — Mike Miles.
"If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position."
"Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex ?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak."
"My wife was really turned on when we finally did the anal bead thing. At least she was until I told her I'd used her grandmother's antique necklace." — Gus Harris.
"I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction. My copy of the script clearly said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'." — Lester Stevens.
"One time my friend was having ass sex with his gf in the living room and when they were done... she dropped one on the carpet. Then his parents came home. It ain't big, just a little thing, but they ran out leaving it there. When the parents see it they take the dog to the vet and put it to sleep..." — eviltown103.
"When you think about it, there is really a fine line between being a proctologist and just being a perverted ass-freak. And according to the judge who sentenced me, that line is called a 'medical degree'." — Brad Wilkerson.
"There's a professional baseball team in Japan named the Swallows. I guess 'Takes It Up the Ass' was too long to fit on their uniforms." — Anthony Myers.
"Remember: Anal sex is just like vaginal sex, except afterwards your cock may have shit on it."
"There's nothing that will bring a woman back down to earth with a rock solid THUD than realizing that you only have half of that 1/4 pound weiner from Costco in your hand."
"It was only after I untied my girlfriend from being face down on the bed that I learned her screaming, 'Asshole!' was a statement about my character and not an invitation or request." — Dave Henry.
![[AnalTV.jpg]
Anal TV van...](Pics/AnalTV.jpg)
"My girlfriend always wants to make love at the same EXACT time, in the same EXACT position, while listening to the same EXACT music, with the same EXACT incense burning. I guess that's what they mean when they talk about 'anal' sex." — Tim H. Richweis.
Women do: Piercings in the strangest places, Tatoos everywhere, Face liftings, Cesarian Birth, Liposuction, Chirurgial reduction of the abdomen, Plucking of facial hair and eyebrows, Depilation with hot wax. So how can they dare to tell you 'it hurts' when you ask for some anal sex ?!?" — Maky.
"A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice."
"Lawyer /n./ Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to 'following too closely'."
"After my wife got a lower back tatoo that said 'Paradise', I complained that it lacked an arrow to point me in the right direction. Her answer: 'Too bad for you if you don't know where to go by now'."
"Ogni donna e seduta sulla propia fortuna."
"Oral Sex: the taste of things to come."
"Okay, I admit I'm not very good at oral sex. But my wife doesn't have to keep rubbing my nose in it." — Gordon Sherman.
"You know the worst thing about oral sex ? The view." —
"If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent." — Scott Adams.
"Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie." —
"If you're not into oral sex, keep your mouth shut !" — Helmet sticker.
"You know you have a high sperm count when she has to chew before she swallows."
"69 + 69 = dinner for 4."
"On the plus side, my girlfriend looked mighty sexy on Halloween night in her vampire costume. On the down side, she was too drunk to remember to remove the fangs before the blowjob." — James Knowles.
![[toon106.jpg]
The discovery of felatio (blowjob)](Pics/toon106.jpg)
"If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth."
"Did you hear the one about the actress who blew her big chance but still didn't get the part ?"
"These days, a woman can get anywhere by using her head especially the mouth part." — Kaleb Hewitt.
"I told my girlfriend that a praying mantis female eats its mate after copulation. She didn't take the hint." — James Floyd.
"Great news: My girlfriend sucks ! Bad news: My girlfriend sucks ! Linguistic trick or another one of life's bittersweet mysteries ?" — Ed Smith.
"When my wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all day, she yelled: 'Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do!' 'Wow', I thought, 'I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this!'" — Brad Simanek.
"Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing !"
"Courage /n./ Two cannibals having oral sex."
"It's not easy spelling bukkake. Especially with your mouth full."
"If you go down on your college professor you *might* get a better grade, but if you kick him in the balls and threaten his life, you'll definitely get a better grade AND he'll still respect you in the morning." — Stephanie Thompson.
"Word to the wise: Fellas, if your girlfriend casually mentions that she wants a facial, don't get your hopes up — it's probably not what you think it is." — Dawson Rambo.
"An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants." — Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live.
"Let's flip a coin. Heads, you give me head; tails, I get some tail."
"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls, but when I got the bill for the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that it was enough to make a blown man cry."
"My ex-wife had a fixation about having sex in her ear. Every time I tried to stick my cock in her mouth, she turned her head." — Dave Henry.
"At a wedding last week, my wife said: 'Isn't the bride beautiful ?' When I responded by saying, 'Yeah, but her blowjobs aren't half as good as yours', she got all pissed off. Women — they can't take a compliment!" — Dave Henry.
"68: Do me now and I'll owe you one."
"Girls that think oral sex isn't really sex are so fucked in the head."
"Some guys try to be smooth on Valentine's Day, giving their lovely lady a gift of lingerie or jewelry over dinner in a blatant attempt to get lucky. I prefer to let the dinner speak for itself — I just hope my wife enjoys the entree of blowfish and clams in white sauce I ordered for her." — Brad Simanek.
"I want a girl that can swallow my pride." — Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess".
"I saw a woman on TV touting Hummers starting at $50,000. Well, for that price, Honey, I'd expect to see my unsheathed testicles hanging out through my urethra when you're done." — Mark D. Sabien.
"God is love... and you shall honor him on your knees..." — From the Bible.
"Cunnilingus is next to godliness." — Kali Nichta.
"She was sucking it so hard the sheets were going up my ass..."
"I wish I could sleep with Mr. Spock. Not that he's so great looking or anything, but it would be easy to grab those ears and steer him on a course down south." — Rita McCleary.
"I was eating a chocolate bar in my kitchen the other day, when my mom walks in. I was like 'it's like an orgasm in my mouth' and my mom says 'oh, believe me, you DON'T want to know what that tastes like'. I guess she realized what she said, because she walked out really quickly." — Delanushorse.
"I choked Linda Lovelace."
"I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw." — Tallulah Bankhead.
"Great lover /n./ A man who can breathe through his ears."
"I think the hardest part of eating pussy is digesting the collar." — James Curry.
"It used to bother me when people called me a pussy. But the joke's on them — after all, you are what you eat!" — John Schmidt.
"When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. 'I really haven't thought about it', gulped the stunned surgeon. 'You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!'"
"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." — Lynne Lavner.
"If homosexuality were normal, God would have created Adam and Bruce." — Anita Bryant.
"I can't watch Brokeback Mountain for the same reason i can't watch horror movies. I would scream 'HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!' in the middle of the theater." — who.
"Y'know what i dont get? Lesbians who date girls who look like they may as well be guys... I mean... WTF.. it's like deciding you like skydiving, then buying a submarine." — Rebka.
"The worst thing about a relationship between two women, you dont automatically know who's supposed to cook." — Driph.
"NBC has announced it will air a three-episode marathon of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy opposite the Super Bowl on February 1st. So, if you get tired of watching a bunch of buff, sweaty men in uniforms patting each other on the ass and bending over to pass something between their legs, you now have the choice of watching something really gay." — usrbingeek.
"If you were on a bus full of gay guys, would you get off "
"That does it, I'm creating characters of you in The Sims and I'm gonna make you have a gay marriage." — neo_alex.
"Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children." — CharoNoMe.
"Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall." — CharoNoMe.
"I want to get a shirt that says: 'Marriage is for fags'." — EpiPhony3693.
"I've certainly met quite a few more violent christians 'lets go kill us some fags' than violent gays 'lets go break into someones house and decorate it'." — cevik.
"San Francisco /n./ Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse."
"San Francisco: A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces there."
"There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco — the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does."
"...I'm not a lesbian or anything (I would be if I were female, though)..." — Drone74B.
"AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals." — Jerry Falwell, televangelist and professional bigot.
"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen'." — Jerry Falwell, said after the sept 11th attacks.
"Homosexuals are brute beasts... part of a vile and satanic system that will be utterly annihilated, and there will be a celebration in heaven." — Jerry Falwell, televangelist and professional bigot.
"Bi now, gay later!"
"Bisexual /adj/ politically correct way to say you fuck anything."
"A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow."
"Bisexual /adj/ equal opportunity lover."
"Bisexual: putting the xy back in 'sexy'."
"The vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality could go either way."
"Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!" — Bisexuality 101.
"I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year." — Rodney Dangerfield.
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." — Woody Allen.
"Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful — provided you get between the right man and the right woman." — Woody Allen.
"Note to self: www.manpages.com is NOT an online resource to get Unix manual pages'" — Techdeck.
"I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary." — George Carlin.
"I got some girl mad. She told me who her boyfriend was. She asked you know him ? I said yeah i dated him."
"Did you hear that Marvin Gaye was shot by his father ? Some parents cant deal with their kids being gaye." — wayfinder.
"I think all guys have doubts about their heterosexuality at some time in their life. Especially the times they're touching another guy's penis." — Jim Rosenberg.
"Quando voi eravate ancora sui alberi, noi eravamo gia froci." — Antonio, da Roma.
![[DilbertInternetPorn.gif]
Why the internet is slow today](Pics/DilbertInternetPorn.gif)
"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting." — Gloria Leonard.
"Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection." — Anonymous.
"I think i'm allergic to porn, everytime I look at porn my cock swells." — Piratez.
"IRC does something to people. If Steven Hawkings went onto IRC he would be talking about porn within 10 minutes." — Ironfrost.
"I once saw a porn with the title 'supermassive black holes'. Wait, i think it might have been 'submissive black hoes'."
"Does eating pornography count as oral sex?" — The Covert Comic.
"I had two otions: either close the porn or pull up my pants..."
"<Cobra> so i was watching a pr0n
<Thunder> wait, why u guys always say pr0n instead of porn ??
Thunder has been kicked by Guardian (No porn on this channel !)
<Cobra> ...
<Cobra> so i was watching a pr0n"
"World Poke Her Tour." — Best porn movie title ever.
"I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines." — Marilyn Chambers.
"I heard about a 70s porn site... I REALLY hope they mean the 1970s."
"No one has ever died from an overdose of pornography." — J. Money and P. Tucker.
"My neighbor died in his locked garage last night. When I asked the cop what did him in, he said 'ass fixation'. Holy cow, I better start deleting my porn right now !" — Kristian Idol.
"I have to say that sex ruined pornography for me. I discovered that women don't scream, 'Fuck me you big-cocked cowboy!' when you touch their elbow." — Logan.
"My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live." — Erica Jong.
"A widespread taste for pornography means that nature is alerting us to some threat of extinction." — J. G. Ballard.
"It'll be a sad day for sexual liberation when the pornography addict has to settle for the real thing." — Brendan Francis.
"X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot."
"Internet porn is not out of control. It's out of your control. And that's the way I like it." — QuantumG.
"You know you watch too much porn when you start to recognise the MALE pornstars." — tom93.
"I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot." — J. Hutter.
"When I was your age, there wasn't any Internet. I had to walk barefoot in the snow to the Quicky Mart and sneak my porn home in brown paper bags the way God intended."
"Virgin teenage boys know how it's done now, because they're able to download porn from the internet for free. The internet, you see, exists so that we don't have to endure numbingly stupid sex scenes in movies anymore." — Mike18XX.
"Morons. These people who live in my apartment complex are connected to my wireless. They must think they're super-cool hackers by breaking into my completely unsecure network. Unfortunatly, the connection works both ways. Long story short, they now have loads of horse porn on their computer." — Mootar from bash.org.
"When I was a teenager, Mom said I'd go blind if I didn't quit doing *that*. Maybe she was right — since the invention of internet porn, computer monitors keep getting bigger and bigger. !" — Bill Ervin.
"Isn't that like a greek tragedy ? A man who spends all his time downloading porn but never gets to look at it ?" — Pander.
"I see ads saying that I can 'GET PAID to Surf the Web !'. Let's see... I'm at work checking out my favorite porn sites right now. Hey, I'm already getting paid to surf the web !" — Bill Ervin Tigard
"Out of convicted rapists, 57% admitted to reading pornography. 95% admitted to reading the Bible."
"Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires. If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume ?" — Richard Fleischer.
"G: No girl.
PG: The hero gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure which end it will be.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl." — Handy guide to movie ratings.
"Sex education classes in our public schools are promoting incest." — Jimmy Swaggart, TV preacher, self-described pornography addict who paid prostitutes to commit 'pornographic acts'; hypocrite.
"I was pretty dumb about computers. Then I learned you could get porn on them. 3 years later I'm a system administrator." — [NCA]Spank.
"Don't knock Masturbation, it's sex with someone you love !" — Woody Allen in
"What's masturbation ?
It's a touchy subject..."
"That's what you tell your parents if they catch you masturbating: 'I wasn't masturbating. I was cleaning it and it went off'."
"The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you." —
"The legal status of masturbation through out history have varied from virtually unlimited acceptance to complete illegality. In fact in a 1640s law code for the Puritan colony of New Haven, Connecticut in the 17th century 'blasphemers, homosexuals and masturbators' were eligible for the death penalty." — Wikipedia entry on masturbation.
"Woman: — You are the greatest lover I have ever known.
Woody Allen: — Well, I practice a lot when I'm on my own."
"In 1994, when the Surgeon General of the United States, Dr. Joycelyn Elders, mentioned as an aside that it should be mentioned in school curricula that masturbation was safe and healthy, she was forced to resign."
"Physics is to math what sex is to masturbation." —
"Anything more than three shakes is for fun."
"If you don't enjoy masturbation, you only have yourself to blame."
"Sex is like anything else; if you want it done right you have to do it yourself."
"Masturbation: Put the 'stain' back in 'Abstain'." — Mitch Berg.
"One orgasm in the bush is worth two in the hand." — Robert Reisner.
"Having my right hand as a girlfriend is the best relationship I've ever had. It's always up for threesomes, it'll never cheat on me. And best of all, I don't have to talk to it after sex, because I don't know sign language." — Deranged.
"Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure." —
"Nothing is better than sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, masturbation is better than sex."
"Her name is Palmela, she has five fingers and if I sit on her for 20 minutes I can call her a stranger."
"My friends keep telling me I'm doing it with Mary Palmer. That's not true — I'm too busy masturbating to meet anyone new." — Rowdy Roddy.
"I'm stranded at the gas station of love, and I have to use the self service pump..." — screevo.
"I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom." — Strange de Jim.
"It's a fact that you have to deal with sooner or later: the latent homosexuality involved with masturbating." — JtotheB.
"Wet dreams are just God wacking you off. He does it for you if you don't do it yourself. That sperm is gonna come out one way or another."
"Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing is jerking off, why do you care how big it is ?" — From alt.sex.
"Since I've been depressed I've completely lost the urge to masturbate. I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately." — Kim Moser.
"I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in her shadow !"
"And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with." — Rodney Dangerfield.
"The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it." —
"The speed of sound is defined by the distance from door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close the media player and pull up your pants when your mom shouts 'OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING'." — yoozer.
"For some reason I always confuse the words 'marinate' and 'masturbate'. Maybe that's why nobody likes my cooking." — Scott E. Frank.
"Masturbation is our first and natural form of sexual activity and if that's inhibited or damaged, then we suffer for the rest of our lives." — Betty Dodson.
"Haven't had sex in sooooooo long. It's gotten to the point where i masturbate thinking of other times i masturbated." — RikI.
"The first time I had sex, I was terrified. I was so alone..."
"My sister caught me jacking off the other week and called me a pervert. Then just the other day I walked into her room and caught her masturbating. So she called me a pervert again ! There is no justice in the world..." — Chin.
"When you're masturbating, there's no such thing as premature ejaculation. It's called efficiency."
"I am NOT gonna donate sperm for money. What would I do if, in 18 years, the kid looked me up ? I'd have to tell him that he was beer money." — theSpear.
"I was an altar boy, a spokesperson for the Virgin Mary, I was a choir boy but then at the age of 14 I discovered masturbation and all that went out the window." — Guillermo del Toro.
"My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." — Emo Philips.
"A student undergoing a word-association test was asked why a snowstorm put him in mind of sex. He replied frankly: 'Because everything does'." — Honor Tracy.
"Every time you kill a kitten, God masturbates."
"Clinton masturbates in the sinks." — Ann Coulter (1999).
"You know jerking off in the shower has its disadvantage. Now the rain makes me horny." — Agilo.
"I jack off in the shower so much that I get a hard-on whenever it rains." — SpudMuffn.
"How lucky we are that we can reach our genitals instead of that spot on our back that itches." — Flash Rosenberg.
"If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate." — Diogenes the Cynic (412-323BCE).
"I think masturbation is wrong and dirty. So, get someone else to do it for you."
"If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out. If thy dick offends thee, whack it off."
"I urge all our listeners to masturbate. Right now. Because it takes the wind right out of the sex drive. We don't want rapists going into society half-cocked and ready to go. If they masturbate, they'll say, 'Uhh... I think I'll rape tomorrow instead'." — Loveline.
"If sex is so personal, why do we have to share it with someone ?"
"I used to consider myself a member of the Mile High Club until I learned that masturbating in Denver doesn't count." — Tom Sullivan.
"— I masturbate cause my hand doesn't give me any backtalk. I'm like 'Get down there bitch'. And its all '!! k'. And afterwards it cleans itself off and doesn't say a thing.
—I sometimes make a little puppet with my hand, and make it talk before i masturbate with it, saying things like 'no, please... i'm a virgin!' and stuff like that. You know, resisting a bit. I like foreplay when i masturbate." — Soap answering Talwin on IRC.
![[ChokingChicken.jpg]
We heard someone was choking a chicken in there...](Pics/ChokingChicken.jpg)
"If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again." — Dennis Miller.
"Ok so im wacking off to a video of two lesbians fucking each other then i hear my mom walking down the hall to this room so i quickly close the video then she walks in and im sitting with my pants down, left hand around the cock, and she looks at me...then looks at the screen... my desktop was open and had three naked gnomes standing by a fireplace... the look on her face as she left the room will stick with me till the day i die." — Chalklatemilk.
"They need to reinvent the internet so i can enjoy it with both hands." — nocashvaluedrumz.
"It is called in our schools 'beastliness', and this is about the best name for it... should it become a habit it quickly destroys both health and spirits; he becomes feeble in body and mind, and often ends in a lunatic asylum." —
"I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late start without me." —
"Every so often, I try to masturbate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not really sure what it means."
"My bed is evil. It's a spy. At night.. it squeeks. It's as if it's telling my mum: 'he's masturbating, he's masturbating!'" — AnimeMan.
"What do you call a tall guy who can masturbate 10 times in a single day ? No, it's not a joke, I really need to know, because I want to put it on my resume." — Damon R. Milhem.
"The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me."
"Compulsive masturbator on board... check your windshield wipers." — Bumper sticker.
"Throughout my life, I've tried my hand at many things, and guess what? It turned out to be the perfect tool for masturbating!" — Sebastian Pivnicka.
"Y'know, its sad when you have to fake an orgasm while masturbating." — Kathryn.
"Remember: People who live in glass houses can see you masturbating in their bushes." — Dan Johnson.
"Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand."
"Small wonder that proto-humans developed articulated hands with opposable thumbs — it's the only way to masturbate if you can't lick yourself like other animals." — James Knowles.
"I hate being hungry and horny at the same time, because then I have to decide whether to eat or masturbate first, and it seems like I always choose wrong because the guy from Domino's arrives before I can finish up." — Rabbi Crut.
"I'm not so sure that having a sexy young girlfriend is such a great deal. I'm spending a small fortune on fancy dinners and romantic bed-and-breakfast weekends, and what I'm saving on Kleenex and wrist braces doesn't even begin to cover it." — Chris MacEachen.
"If you have sex with your Siamese twin, it is masturbation or incest?" — Kris.
"Climax is 1 percent copulation and 99 percent masturbation. At least for me. For the time being." — Jim Rosenberg.
"I heard that practicing tantric sex can help you last for hours, so I tried it, and I'm happy to report that it works. The only problem is that my arm gets REALLY tired." — Derek Winsworth.
"— Stop that son, you'll go blind !
— I'm over here dad..."
"The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said: 'It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want !'"
"Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself."
"Last night, I finally realized a longtime fantasy... I came all over my girlfriend's face. Man, was she pissed when she woke up..."
"I always ask my new girlfriends what's the first thing they think of when they hear the words 'shower head'. If they answer 'Home Depot', I dump them on the spot." — Dave O'Shea.
"As I fill out the job application and get to the part about 'Sex: F or M', I never know which to choose — I really like to 'F', but spend most of the time alone 'M'-ing." — Tony J. Podrasky.
"It's important to pay close attention in school — for years I thought that bears masturbated all winter." — Damon R. Milhem.
"The trouble with my sex life is that it too often takes place with just one consenting adult."
"...It's like dating a nymphomaniac who can suck the cum out of your dick without even undoing your fly, and then being forced to go back to yee olde masturbation ritual of warm mayonnaise in a sock." — Nikolaus Maack.
"The new 'Cindy Crawford Workout Video' is bloody marvelous. I've only had it a fortnight and I've already got a right arm like Arnold Schwarzenegger."
"I wonder if the person who invented the vibrator was moved to act by ghostly voices chanting, 'If you build it, they will come'." — Brad Simanek.
"My girlfriend uses my razor in places I'd rather not know about and doesn't explicitly tell me. I'm okay with that, though, because I do the same thing with her vibrator." — Mark D. Sabien.
"My girlfriend refers to me in bed as the 'Energizer Bunny'. It's not because I can go for hours or anything — it's because I'm really good at rolling over and handing her fresh batteries for her vibrator." — Kim Moser.
"Have you ever tried to tickle yourself ? Everybody has some wacko aunt or uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's your fist. Thank God other parts of our bodies are dumber."
"How much wood would a woodsman sport if a woodsman spotted a naughty little wood nymph frolicking in a mountain stream ?" — Doug Finney.
"If masturbation makes you deaf, fellatio makes you mute, at least until you finish it."
"Never masturbate faster than your guardian angel can fly." — Mike MacDonald.
"I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again." — Bart Simpson.
"The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on."
"Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite."
"If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter." —
"In the nineteenth century masturbation was a disease; in the twentieth, it is a cure."
"Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked."
"Sex is like a bridge game; if you have a good hand no partner is needed."
"Sex with no partner is like playing cards alone. Your own hand beats you." — Michael Whitmire.
"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation." —
"When you have a cut, you have to leave it alone and let it scab over so it can heal, right ? So when a 14-year-old guy has a cut on his penis, that cut can be there until he's 27." — Adapted from Loveline.
"Les voies du Seigneur sont impénétrables, mais je doute que sa sensibilité soit inébranlable..." — Trichelieu.
"To all virgins........ thanks for nothin'." — Bumper sticker.
"I'm so virgin, there isn't even a word to describe how much sex I have not had." — ecks.
"If you want to preserve your virginity, it's about not wanting to belong to the human species." — Catherine Breillat.
"Abstinence /n/ NICE word for loser."
"I'm all for promoting abstinence. The more people who are abstinant the less pathetic I look." — rellekmr.
"Abstinence-only sex education makes as much sense as removing seatbelts from cars because the seatbelts will encourage speeding."
"Well, I've got one son, but I'll be damned if I remember how that happened."
"You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy. I would go a month, two months, without having sex. It worked for me because it made me a vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything like that." — Jake LaMotta.
"Oral contraceptive /n./ The word 'No'."
"The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after, but instead."
"Nothing is so much to be shunned as sex relations." — St. Augustine (354-430), Soliloquies.
"I would like to outlaw contraception... contraception is disgusting — people using each other for pleasure." — Joseph Scheidler (Pro-life action league).
"When I was in the fifth grade I was taught sex-ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian. Either way, there's been very limited experience handling meat." — Allen Lindsey.
"Conservatives say teaching sex education in the public schools will promote promiscuity. With our education system ? If we promote promiscuity the same way we promote math or science, they've got nothing to worry about." — Beverly Mickins.
"Why should we take advice on sex from the pope ? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!" — George Bernard Shaw.
"Q: What's the difference between a line of costumed Star Wars fans entering the premiere of EpIII and a line of costumed cardinals entering the conclave to pick the new pope ?
A: The Star Wars line has a higher concentration of virgins."
"I remember in high school, somebody made an off hand remark wondering why they sacrificed virgins. And I was all like: 'they sure as hell ain't going to give up the ones that put out'. And then I got detention." — ZADrinking.
"Why ruin a young girl's life when you can make an older women SO very happy !" —
"Marriage is the sole cause of