"The church is near, but the road is icy. The bar is far, but we will walk carefully." — Russian Proverb.
The following are humorous (and sometimes serious too) quotes gathered from the Web, Usenet's personal .sig and other sources. Since it's all a big rip-off, I am assuming no copyright whatsoever. I don't even guarantee that they are accurate. Now that you've been warned, enjoy.
"Evian is 'naive' backwards."
"Water ? Never touch the stuff ! Fish fuck in it." — W. C. Fields.
"It's all right to drink like a fish — if you drink what a fish drinks.." — Mary Pettibone Poole.
"If you're sick, you should drink plenty of fluids. And if you ever find a way to drink something that isn't a fluid, be sure and let me know." — Anthony Myers.
"So i open a can of pepsi max and i see on the side: 'Best Before: See base of can' so i turn the can around and i feel a cold chill running down my legs..." — King_Kane.
"Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did except you."
"I do drink water. When it's frozen and surrounded by liquor."
"Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we shall die." — Imhotep (2667-2648BCE), egyptian architect, physician and chancellor.
"Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink." — Bumper sticker.
"Drink and drive. We need the business." — Bumper sticker seen on a tow truck.
"See Dick Drink...
See Dick Drive...
See Dick Die.
DON'T BE A DICK." — Seen on a T-shirt.
"If you aren't sure if you are too drunk to drive home, order a shot. Now you are certain."
"Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question."
"God created (alcohol|whiskey|Guiness) so the irish wouldn't conquer the world."
"I'm starting a drunken brawl with the first person today who stereotypes the irish."
"The Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration."
"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is strength but in whiskey is the water of life."
"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is strength and in water there is bacteria."
"Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink ?"
"If you drink to forget, please pay un advance."
"Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol." — N.F. Simpson.
"Have you ever played the stock market drinking game ? You invest all your money, lose it and become an alcoholic."
"When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic. When I drink Fanta, nobody says I'm fantastic."
"Time is never wasted when you are wasted all the time."
"I've been drinking about you."
"Here's to cheating, stealing, fighting, and drinking.
If you cheat, may you cheat death.
If you steal, may you steal a woman's heart.
If you fight, may you fight for a brother.
And if you drink, may you drink with me." — Sláinte Gaelach — An Irish Toast.
"It's true, alcohol kills people. But how many are born because of it ?"
"Alcohol kills slowly. Good, I'm in no hurry." — Coluche.
"Just because you can't dance, doesn't meant you shouldn't dance." — Alcohol.
"A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts."
"You know what 'SOBER' stands for ? It stands for 'Son Of a Bitch, Everything's Real'!"
"I can't stop drinking about you."
"I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself."
"Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son." — Dean Vernon Wormer.
"Always stick around for one more drink. That's when things happen."
"Adulthood has shown me that you really don't need fun to have alcohol."
"The only honest people in the world are small children and drunk people."
"Girls of our generation can't cook like their mother anymore. But they can drink like their father."
"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one." — George Bernard Shaw.
"I keep telling people that beer is more important than armies when it comes to understanding people." — Pat McGovern, dipsologist.
"I was at a wedding yesterday and i was drinking at like 10am. The bartender told me 'I know a place you can meet people like yourself'. I said where ? He said 'at rehab'." — dvdman.
Writing is a lonely job, unless you're a drinker, in which case you always have a friend within reach." — Emilio Estevez.
"Drunk chicks think I'm hot." — Seen on a T-shirt worn by an ugly guy.
"If (s)he is still ugly after 7 drinks, give up."
"The first time I got drunk, I got married. The second time I bought a chimpanzee, after that I stayed sober." — Arian Seid.
"I used to drink, I did. I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing in their lights thinking I'd made it to the next club." — Bill Hicks.
"I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on." — Oscar Levant.
"I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety." — Richard Pryor.
"No free woman should be allowed any more than one maid to follow her, unless she was drunk." — Zaleucus, 7th century BC greek law code.
"Babies are like the smallest, drunkest people you know." — Nick Swardson.
"I only take a drink on two occasions: when I'm thirsty and when I'm not." — Brendan Behan (1923-1964), Irish dramatist, poet, and novelist.
"Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time." — Doug Stanhope.
"I'm Catholic and I can't commit suicide, but I plan to drink myself to death." — Jack Kerouac (1922-1969).
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me." — Hunter S. Thompson (1937-2005).
"Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you're allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It's like killing yourself, and then you're reborn. I guess I've lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now." — Charles Bukowski (1920-1994).
"I'm an alcoholic. I'm a drug addict. I'm homosexual. I'm a genius." — Truman Capote (1924-1984).
"I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties."
"First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you." — F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896-1940)."Just because you can't dance doesn't mean you shouldn't dance." — Alcohol.
"Always be drunk ... Get drunk militantly. Just get drunk." — Charles Baudelaire (1821-1867).
"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do." — Dylan Thomas.
"I've met a lot of mean, violent drunks. I've never met a mean, violent pothead."
"I think hangovers are the body's way of telling us we didn't drink enough to still be drunk when we woke up the next day." — Tidewater Joe.
"Not hungover = still drunk !"
"I had a dream last night that I drank the largest Margarita in Texas. When I woke up, there was salt on the toilet lid and rim. Sure, it sounds gross, but at least now I have an explanation for the blue tongue." — P. Salyer.
"Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off."
"Not to get technical... but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution."
"Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we aren't poets."
"Don't bother trying to join the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. It turns out they're apparently against all three." — Wiley.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors — and miss."
"I used to have a drinking problem. Now I love the stuff."
"Alcohol may not solve your problems, but neither will water or milk."
"Legal drinking age in poland is 'I have 3 euros'." — Cheater.
Right: Never drive after a good meal without a small glass of Cointreau, the world liquor. Commercial from 1935
"My father warned me about men and booze... but he never said anything about women and cocaine." — Tallulah Bankhead (1902-1968).
"When used separately, women and alcohol can be a lot of fun, but when you mix the two you become a dumbass." — That 70's Show.
"My old man always said: 'the day I can't do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun'..."
"I don't have a drinking problem ! If anything, I'm TOO good at it."
"Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a cart at the liquor store."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory." — Bumper sticker.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." — Frank Sinatra.
"Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls." — Ross Levy.
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." — Ernest Hemmingway.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." — Henny Youngman.
"Intoxicated /adj./ When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it."
"I am as drunk as a lord, but then, I am one, so what does it matter ?" — Bertrand Russell (1872—1970) British philosopher.
"If, as they say, God spanked this town
For being much too frisky,
Why did He burn His churches down
And save Hotaling's Whiskey ?" — Poem about the 1906 San Francisco earthquake and subsequent fire, in which the city's largest whiskey distillery was left unscathed.
"If I had not some strength of will I would make a first class drunkard." — Ernest Shackleton.
"When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk.
When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned."
"There are more old drunkards than old doctors." — Benjamin Franklin (1706-90) US scientist and statesman.
"I stopped drinking, but only when I sleep." — George Best.
"You know what 'SOBER' stands for ? It stands for 'Son Of a Bitch, Everything's Real!'" — Gary Busey.
"I drink so the others become interesting." — George Jean Nathan.
"I finally quit drinking for good.
Now I drink for evil."
"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." — Humphrey Bogart.
"I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink." — Richard Burton.
"I was drowning my sorrows but they learned to swim." — U2.
"In college I took a class from a professor who changed my whole life. I can't really remember what his name was, or what the class was, or even which college it was, but I found that if you sit behind a really tall guy and kind of slouch down in your chair you can drink Scotch right from the bottle and not get caught." — Bill Ervin.
"Any man who eats dessert is not drinking enough." — Ernest Hemingway.
"Write drunk, edit sober." — Ernest Hemingway.
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." — Ernest Hemingway, For Whom the Bell Tolls.
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." — Dean Martin.
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." — Oscar Wilde.
"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks." — Joe E. Lewis.
"'twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it." — W. C. Fields.
"On some days, my head is filled with such wild and original thoughts that I can barely utter a word. On other days, the liquor store is closed." — Frank Varano.
"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." — Winston Churchill.
"And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning." — Winston Churchill, replying to Bessie Braddock MP who told him he was drunk.
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." — Clement Freud.
"I must point out that my rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after, and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them." — Winston Churchill, said during a lunch with the Arab leader Ibn Saud, when he heard that the king's religion forbade smoking and alcohol.
"It's Faster horses, Younger women, Older whiskey and More money." — Tom T. Hall, 'The Secret of Life'.
"Why does man kill ? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage." — Woody Allen.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise !" — A Congressman's response about his attitude toward whiskey.
"And God said, 'Let there be vodka !'
And He saw that it was good.
Then God said, 'Let there be light !'
And then He said, 'Whoa — too much light'."
"Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka."
"Tequila: it's not even a drink, it's just a way to get the police round without using a telephone !"
"The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs."
"There ain't no devil, it's just god when he's drunk." — Bumper sticker.
"As a kid, whenever I got sick my mom would say: 'Don't worry, son. There's nothing so bad that it can't be fixed with a bottle of cheap Scotch and a couple of hookers'. Or was that the old crusty guy who hung around the schoolyard ? No matter — either way, it's terrific advice." — Bob Van Voris.
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get." — Homer Simpson.
"The reign of tears is over. The slums will soon be a memory. We will turn our prisons into factories and our jails into storehouses and corncribs. Men will walk upright now, women will smile and children will laugh. Hell will be forever for rent." — Reverent Billy Sunday at the beginning of Prohibition.
"Prohibition ? HA ! They tried that in the movies and it didn't work." — Homer Simpson.
"Once during Prohibition I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water." — W. C. Fields.
"The peoples of the Mediterranean began to emerge from barbarism when they learned to cultivate the olive and the vine." — Thucydides (460BC—395BC), greek historian.
"Bring more wine." — Roman emperor Claudius upon learning of his wife Messalina summary execution for conspiracy (48CE).
"Do you want a glass with that ?" — Kyle Bonney, Sign of an incompetent sommelier.
"I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food."
"Beer is food. Wine accompanies food. Cocktails demands food."
"The secret to enjoying a good wine: open the bottle to allow it to breathe. If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth to mouth."
"A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine, except that on a day without sunshine you can still get drunk." — Lee Entrekin.
"Wine is sunlight held up by water." — Galileo Galilei.
"I called up the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms regional office and asked: 'What wine goes best with an M-16 ?' The guy who answered did his best to be helpful: 'That depends. What are you smoking ?'"
"Red wine is just like ketchup: it goes with everything !" — Jason Walton.
"I'll drink milk when cows eat grapes."
"I'm not having a glass of wine. I'm having 6. It's called tasting and it's classy."
"A man dies too young if he leaves any wine in his cellar." — Wine writer André Simon (1877-1970) who had only two magnums of claret in his cellar when he died.
"Instead of milk in my cereals I use wine and then also instead of my cereal I use wine." — teapOts.
"There in wine is found the great generalization: all life is fermentation." — Richard P. Feynman (1918-88).
"A poet once said 'The whole universe is in a glass of wine'. We will probably never know in what sense he meant that, for poets do not write to be understood. But it is true that if we look at a glass closely enough we see the entire universe. There are the things of physics: the twisting liquid which evaporates depending on the wind and weather, the reflections in the glass, and our imaginations adds the atoms. The glass is a distillation of the Earth's rocks, and in its composition we see the secret of the universe's age, and the evolution of the stars. What strange array of chemicals are there in the wine? How did they come to be? There are the ferments, the enzymes, the substrates, and the products. There in wine is found the great generalization: all life is fermentation. Nobody can discover the chemistry of wine without discovering, as did Louis Pasteur, the cause of much disease. How vivid is the claret, pressing its existence into the consciousness that watches it! If our small minds, for some convenience, divide this glass of wine, this universe, into parts — physics, biology, geology, astronomy, psychology, and so on — remember that Nature does not know it! So let us put it all back together, not forgetting ultimately what it is for. Let it give us one more final pleasure: drink it and forget it all !" — Richard P. Feynman (1918-88).
Left: Despaired workers facing hundreds of frozen wine bottles during my last Antarctic trip.
"I realized I had a drinking problem the day I found myself wishing there were colors of wine for every food, not just meat and fish." — Mystic7.
"There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl."
"Religions change; beer and wine remain." — Harvey Allen.
"When i was at e*trade I went to a dept dinner thing and everyone was drinking 20 year old wines and shit, and I ordered a Bud Light. Everyone looked at me like I called their mother a cunt." — Kaleido.
"Bacchus /n./ A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk." — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary.
"I'd be the worst Jesus ever, I'd be constantly drunk if I could turn water into wine."
"If drinking is evil, then why did Jesus turn water to wine ?"
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: he gets better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar."
"Le vin d'ici vaut mieux que l'eau de là."
Take pure spring water.
The finest grains.
The richest ingredients.
And then run them through a horse."
"With beer comes great irresponsibility."
"The Puritans brought more beer than water on the Mayflower as they departed for the New World."
"Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could have become beer, but didn't." — Walter Thornburgh.
"As a recovering alcoholic, I've learned to like non-alcoholic beer, and it's also made me a better parent: Turns out the kids like it, too !" — Tristan & Marco Fabriani.
"Drink Beer ! It removes unsightly flab and wrinkles ! (on the person you're looking at, if you drink enough of it)"
"Beer is good, but beers are better."
"In dog beers, I've only had one."
"Beer doesn't have many vitamins, that's why you need to drink lots of it."
"You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are." — Colonel Adolphus Busch.
"Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer." — Arnold Schwarzenegger, 1975.
"Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one !" — Homer Simpson.
"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer." — Homer Simpson.
"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." — Homer Simpson.
"Someone stole all my beer and drank it and left the empties all over my apartment ! Either that or I now know why I have a headache and no real memory of anything after 21:00." — Kris.
"Uughh, this beer is terrible. It's a bad sign when the beer company isn't running any sweepstakes, yet all the lids say 'SORRY' underneath them." — deltabravo.
"My beer needs an F5 button."
"He changed more times than a baby in a beer-drinking contest." — Scott Adams.
"What they wrote in the news about beer containing female hormones must be true, because after 10 beers a man becomes as stupid as a woman."
"You don't buy beer, you just rent it..."
"Having sex after 20 beers is like playing pool with a rope."
"I don't believe in drinking and driving, that's why when I'm doing it I want it to be over quickly." — Jason, after drinking a beer in 5 seconds flat while driving.
"See god ? That is the easiest thing in the world. He always appears to me in the bottom of the tenth glass of beer... and sometimes as a beautiful, young, female nude." — Theologian Franz Bibfeldt on the reality of visions.
"But from whichever it is made, whether from oats, barley or wheat, it harms the head and the stomach, it causes bad breath and ruins the teeth, it fills the stomach with bad fumes, and as a result anyone who drinks it along with wine becomes drunk quickly; but it does have the property of facilitating urination and makes one's flesh white and smooth." — Physician Aldobrandino about beer (1256).
"This is an aggressive beer. You probably won't like it. It is quite doubtful that you have the taste or sophistication to be able to appreciate an ale of this quality and depth. We would suggest that you stick to safer and more familiar territory — maybe something with a multi-million dollar ad campaign aimed at convincing you it's made in a little brewery, or one that implies that their tasteless fizzy yellow beer will give you more sex appeal. Perhaps you think multi-million dollar ad campaigns make a beer taste better. Perhaps you are mouthing your words as you read this." — Arrogant Bastard Beer PR campaign.
"10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop." — Top Ten Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Jesus.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." — Benjamin Franklin.
"This ain't a beer belly, it's a fuel tank for a sex machine." — Seen on a T-shirt.
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline — it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." — Frank Zappa.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." — Dave Barry.
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." — Dave Barry.
"Why is American beer served cold ? So you can tell it from urine." — David Moulton.
"People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot." — Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI.
"When I first drank Bud Light, I didn't really like it because I didn't really like beer. Now I don't really like it because I like beer." — TrustyDrusty.
"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." — Kaiser Wilhelm.
"To some it's a six pack, to me it's a support group."
"24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence ?" — Stephen Wright.
"If beer were a woman, I'd be married for sure."
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat." — Alex Levine.
"The best thing about coffee is that if you drink enough of it, you have to do something, even if you feel like doing nothing." — Christian Griffith.
"It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles." — Dave Barry.
"In America you can buy bucket-sized cups of coffee in any flavour you like other than coffee-flavour."
"Coffee keeps me busy until it's time to be drunk."
"Tea /n/ very weak coffee."
"A yawn is a silent scream for coffee."
"Goth clubs should serve coffee. ice cold coffee. with nails and broken glass. and call then 'depresso's." — doctorb.
"Cocaine is like really evil coffee." — Coutney Love explaining drugs to her daughter.
"Recently I quit caffeine. My doctor seems to think that 17 Diet Cokes per day is too much. In case you ever consider getting off caffeine yourself, let me explain the process. You begin by sitting motionlessly in a desk chair. Then you just keep doing that forever because life has no meaning." — Scott Adams.
"I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake." — Scott Adams.
"Sadness is just another word for not enough coffee." — Wally (of Scott Adams' Dilbert strip).
"How did the hipster burn his tongue ? He sipped his coffee before it was cool."
"Between coffee in the mornings and beer in the evenings, I haven't seen a proper turd in eight years." — Travis Ruetenik.